Monday, December 24, 2012

Et tu?


Cross-posted on CricketCountry.com. I do not usually cross-post CricketCountry URLs, but I simply could not miss this one.

***

There were two Sachin Tendulkars.

One of them was for the world. He scored thousands of runs and truckloads of hundreds. I know exactly how many, and even if I forget my birthday, these are numbers that will never elude my memory, these somehow take a backseat today. What stands out today is the other Tendulkar. My Tendulkar.

This doesn’t even begin with ODIs. This was an ODI curtailed to an exhibition match of twenty overs. India needed to score 43 from the last two overs. Krishnamachari Srikkanth, the Indian and a happy-go-lucky slogger himself, did not look too keen on chasing the target. Abdul Qadir, champion leg-spinner with a mysterious, somewhat tangled run-up and a legend from my school days, ran in. The boy, my Tendulkar, took him for 27 runs.

I had later heard that Qadir had baited my Tendulkar before the over, challenging him to have a go at him. The kid had accepted the challenge. He was still a schoolboy: I was still in shorts, and he was of the age that, in the 1980s, had merely migrated to trousers.

People are not supposed to face the fiercest attacks in their teens. They are supposed to stay at we affectionately refer to as hotel-de-papa; fight with their parents in the incessant struggle for extra pocket-money; bunk tuitions to watch movies; chase up girls and borrow money for Valentine’s Days; and perhaps consume copious amounts of paan-masala to cover up the odour of tobacco.

They were not supposed to take on the best bowlers in the world at that age. That too in their own den, thousands of miles away from the security of their home; representing their country; carrying the hopes of a billion on their shoulders; at the biggest stage of all.

Remember the 1990s? India were often set 250ish targets; we all tucked in (or had tea, depending on whether it was a day match or a day-night one) and waited with bated breath – for the batsman whose face emitted innocence and determination at the same time. We waited. We watched as the ball was overpitched; my Tendulkar’s elbow bent at an unmistakable angle as the familiar backlift happened; the bat came down in a menacing arc and bat met the ball, resulting in the sweetest sound possible; not a fielder moved; the ball sped past the bowler and crashed into the sightscreen.

We didn’t shout at that stroke. We smiled. We nodded. We looked reassuringly at each other. He is there, we thought. He batted on. He counterattacked in an era when we merely succumbed to the mightier opponents from all over the world. They had the advantage of ruthless batting and superlative fielding. We had a single weapon to stand up against them.

And when my Tendulkar got out, mostly because he needed to score fast as the opposition had succeeded in bottling up his partners, we changed the channel; or probably gathered at a friend’s to play carrom; or even studied. Because nothing else seemed to matter. Nothing. The match had slipped.

Remember Sharjah 1998? Remember how my Tendulkar took on the mighty Australians by the horns and sent them packing amidst an intimidating desert blizzard? Remember how we had read that half a dozen or so Australian cricketers had lined up outside the dressing room to take his autograph? Have you ever seen batting like that? Has anyone?

Remember World Cup 1999? When my Tendulkar had missed the Zimbabwe match (that we promptly lost) to cremate his father, and then came back to score that hundred that melted the hardest of hearts, moistened the driest of eyes? Would you lie today and say that you could hold back your emotions that day? I doubt.

Remember Nairobi 2000? Remember when my Tendulkar suddenly took Glenn McGrath’s aggression a tad too seriously and hit him over his head for a six? Remember how Harsha Bhogle, for once, could not hold his emotions back and gave a clarion call to all the viewers to ask their friends to turn their television sets on? It wasn’t a big innings – but have you ever seen such ferocity hidden behind that smiling disguise?

Remember my Tendulkar’s fairytale 175? Remember the day when my Tendulkar scored that 200, when Mahendra Singh Dhoni – then Indian captain (and a much popular one than his stature in recent times) – was booed for hitting a six in the final over, because it simply meant that Tendulkar was deprived of strike?

I know you do. All of you do. You see, he was the only one who had united all of you, across religions, languages, states or even countries. You have probably not helped your classmates before exams or backstabbed your colleagues up the corporate ladder; have belittled people on the grounds of money or caste; or worse, have shed the blood of your neighbours during riots; but when he batted, you became mates, hugging each other as every milestone was achieved. You certainly did not check the religion or financial status of the people you celebrated with on the streets when he won the World Cup for us.

Was it because the national flag never looked as apt as it had on his navy blue helmet? Perhaps. Or perhaps there was more to it.

He isn’t there anymore, though.

The earlier generations had cleaner cricket, involving less money and glitz, and thereby more unadulterated passion for the game; the future generations will probably lift fitness levels to new heights, break and set new records, and take technology and commercialism to new altitudes.

But our generation will always have the final word. We had a Tendulkar. TENDULKAR.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

The curious case of Mumtaz

This is not about the Mumtaz. Mumtaz Mahal was the wife of a gallant emperor; Shah Jahan was so deeply in love with his wife that after her death he made a mausoleum in her memory; he took the second half of her first name, distorted it a bit, kept the last name intact and named it likewise.

A corresponding tomb of mine would probably have been named Shake Mukherjee.

Anyway, this is about the other Mumtaz. Mumu. The diva who ruled Bollywood in the late 1960s and the early 1970s; The fashion icon who usurped the throne of the Sadhnas and Sharmilas; the actress who was elevated from Rajendra Kumar's sister (Gehri Daag) to his heroine (Tangewala); the fighter for whom Shashi Kapoor had once turned down Sachaa Jhutha, but later went on to convince her to play opposite him in Chor Machaye Shor. The superstar who...

... well, it's a long story. Let us begin at the very beginning.

***

Mumtaz had started off as a child artist; in her early movies she was found adorning the action hero's arms in movies with self-explanatory names like Pathan, Veer Bhimsen, Samson, Hercules, Sikandar E Azam, Rustom-e-Hind, Tarzan Comes to Delhi, and Tarzan and King Kong. All these movies ensured that Mumtaz's career had taken off to a power-packed start.

Mumtaz had even acted as bonafide vamps in movies like Mere Sanam and Kaajal, and even as a comedian in Pyar Kiye Jaa. She also played the second heroine in multiple movies; she was even relegated to the villain's sidekick in Brahmachari where someone of the stature of Rajshree was given the lead role, thereby taking the would-be-glamorous belle's career to an all-time low.

Then, there arrived on the scene a comet called Rajesh Khanna, and their paths crossed; Bandhan happened, and more significantly, so did Do Raaste a few months hence; a superhit was followed by a blockbuster, and Mumtaz was instantly propelled to stardom. The entire nation was converted to Mumtazdom as she glittered her bindis and jingled her chudis to Rajesh Khanna across strange-looking pipes:
A few more months after Do Raaste, Mumtaz gave the nation another blockbuster in the form of Sachaa Jhutha. Suddenly Mumtaz had became hot property, and was competing with the leading actresses of her times. It was her hairdo that had started to inspire women rather than the erstwhile Sadhna's, and it was her style of acting that shone the limelight the Ashas and Sairas and Sharmilas into backstage.

In between all this, there was Khilona, a movie where she surpassed all expectations and matched a peerless Sanjeev Kumar throughout the movie. Khilona won her a Filmfare Award. With that, she had stamped her authority as surely as Idea has replaced Abhishek Bachchan with hello Honey-Bunny thing.

She was sizzling; she was hot; she was desirable; she could dance; she oozed more sex appeal than almost any of her predecessors or subsequent stars and starlets. If you do not believe me, check out this video (do  try your best to ignore Rajesh Khanna's coat, though):
But that was not all. The sensuous hypnotism of her eyes made anyone go weak in their legs. Mumtaz could conquer any man with her eyes. She probably had the best eyes in the history of Bollywood. Men from Kashmir to Kerala wanted her to melt in their arms. Check out this song in case you have doubts:
But above everything, she was an amazingly talented actress. She was at ease through an amazingly varied assortment of emotions - as displayed in multiple movies, but never more than in Khilona, where she surpassed all expectations. Do watch the movie in case you have not. Please do. Seldom have two Bollywood protagonists matched each other to this extent in a movie. Ever. She was only twenty-three then - an age where most of us are somewhat nervous about what to wear on our first day to work.

Mumtaz was probably the most versatile actress of her times. I wonder whether any Bollywood actress (barring Helen) has been as sizzling, as sensuous, as desirable on screen:
First curious decision:
Amidst all this, in 1971, Mumtaz took a first curious move in her life: she acted in a movie called Upaasna. No, that's not curious. Anyone can act in movies called Upaasna, which seems rather pedestrian after Tarzan Comes to DelhiUpaasna had both, I repeat, both Feroz and Sanjay Khan as her co-actors. Both.  I mean, acting with one at a time is bad enough -  but both? Why, Mumtaz, why?

24-year olds do commit blunders, you see.

I have absolutely no idea who decided the casting of the movie - to cast Mumtaz and Helen, the two most seductive women of the era - against the Khans. This is how the poster looked (do note the contrasting expressions of the men and the women):
From there Mumtaz's career reached a plateau. Though she kept on providing movies like Chor Machaye Shor and Roti, the hits became fewer and fewer in number as the 1970s preferred action heroes and trophy heroines, which really did not suit Mumtaz. She got married to Mayur Madhavani (?), quit her career, and had two daughters, Natasha and Tanya.

Second curious decision:
Once her daughters grew up a bit and were in boarding school, Mumtaz did a weird comeback in Aandhiyan, one of the earlier movies of - hold your breath - David Dhawan. It was an utterly serious movie where she played the mother of - hold your breath once again - Prosenjit Chatterjee. Of course the movie didn't do too well in the box office (though Mumtaz looked as young as Prosenjit in the movie). It was simply not possible to make Mumtaz look old. They did try to make her wear glasses, but the scheme failed miserably.

The movie, however, did not do too well in the box office either. Thereafter she vanished completely from the limelight, came back to take the Lifetime Achievement Filmfare Award in 1997 - from Shah Rukh Khan - who has always mentioned Mumtaz as one of his earlier crushes.

Mumtaz has survived breast cancer recently; she had been a part of the 2010 documentary 1 a Minute on breast cancer survivors. She continues to live, and as always, do so rather gracefully.

Third curious decision:
In December 2005, Natasha Madhavani, Mumtaz's elder daughter, got married to - hold your breath for one final time - Fardeen Khan. I guess Upaasna (and other solo movies with one of the brothers) had something to do with this. But in that one fleeting moment, the image of the woman in my mind changed forever. The smouldering diva was metamorphosed to Fardeen Khan's mother-in-law in one single decision. All those movies, all those songs - well, seem to vanish into oblivion now; the only surviving image that endures is Fardeen Khan seated at a table in the Madhavani household, and Mumtaz asking him whether he'll want more baingan ka bharta or kheer...

Monday, December 10, 2012

Shalya: a serious biography

I had promised the mysterious rgb, one of the few followers of my blog, that I will do a write-up on Shalya sometime soon. This, as you must have realised by the title of the post, is that post.

Now that I have used two commas in each of my first two sentences, I might as well get along with it. Let me first put a disclaimer that Shalya was not a great surgeon by any means, and shalyachikitsha, a word generally used for surgery, has no relationship whatsoever with Shalya.

No more commas for some time, then.

Also, this is going to be one hell of a serious biography. Not the usual yadda yadda you expect from my blog. I mean business here, folks. Serious business. Which means that I shall abstain from using Microsoft Paint.

Shalya was not your everyday guy. He was the king of Madra, or modern day Punjab, the valiant land that has produced valiant Sons of valiant Sardars over centuries and generations. Madra, where the actions of men are perceived as ones determined by brawn rather than brain and where the women are as lethally pretty as their counterparts anywhere in the world, had been where the Aryans had settled down first, before moving on to the Gangetic plains of the east.

In other words, Shalya was not a person you'd ordinarily mess around with. Like Gabbar. Shakaal. Loin. Mogambo. Only with a good soul. You get the basic idea.

Shalya had somehow acquired another mysterious characteristic: during any war, the more aggressive his opponent was, the more powerful and indomitable Shalya became. In other words, Fardeen Khan had a far more chance of defeating Shalya in a battle than Mahima Chaudhary had.

Anyway, Shalya ruled Madra quite peacefully with all his traits, probably dancing lusty bhangras to while  away his time; he had no business in getting connected to the nearby Hastinapur - the centre of all drama - and knowing him, he had no intention to either.

However, his days of bliss were not to last: Bhishma, the Grand Old Man of Hastinapur and possibly The Most Eligible Bachelor of India (true, there were some who questioned his orientations, but we will not pay attention to these back-biters), arrived at the doorsteps of the illustrious Shalya with a proposal.

***

We will use a flashback here (drumroll):
Pandu, Bhishma's nephew and the king of Hastinapur, had once been out hunting in the forest. He came across a couple of deer involved in, well, a rather intimate act. Pandu, possibly thought it was incredibly brave to shoot a mating couple with one arrow, went ahead. This was probably the reason for a popular swear-word being coined to rhyme with Pandu's name.

However, the duo turned out to be a sage and his wife with an insatiable cervine fetish: they had somehow come to the conclusion that making it out deer-style would satisfy their desire in a way more fulfilling than missionary or other pedestrian poses.

The sage (my guess is that they both died in the nude, but this is not a post dedicated to naked women) had cursed Pandu in his last moments that the latter would die whenever he made an attempt to have intercourse (animal forms were not exempted either).

This meant that his conjugal life with Kunti came to an abrupt end.
(end of flashback)

***

Bhishma, however, had reached Madra, asking for Madri's hand in marriage for Pandu. Madri was a woman of unmatched beauty and sex appeal; when her bright gold complexion dazzled brighter than the Sun; her face could bring about downfalls of kingdoms; the serpents of her hair could mermerise all and sundry; the mystique of her eyes turned the proudest of men to her slaves; in short, she was someone every man would have liked to you-know-what.

So Bhishma asked her hand for a man sworn to lifelong celibacy. Go figure.

Shalya was pleased and confused at the same time. Being related to Hastinapur meant power, but there was a rather uncommon ritual he had to ask Bhishma for: in Madra the dowry worked the other way round - the groom had to pay the bride a hefty amount. To his surprise, Bhishma consented and took Madri away.

The rest, as they say, is history. Between them, Kunti and Madri underwent exactly five (it may be four - given that Nakul and Sahadeb were twins - read more on that here) registered incidents of coitus; Pandu could not resist Madri any more after a certain point of time; had a steamy session and died subsequently; Madri accompanied him to the pyre; the Pandavs and Kunti went out on a hideout; Bheem and Arjun went to Draupadi's swayamvar disguised as Brahmins; and met Shalya yet again.

Bheem and Arjun must have felt somewhat awkward. Meeting your step-mama at a swayamvar must have been a feeling as unnerving as bumping into Rabindranath Tagore in a Sulabh Complex.

We know the rest. Shalya, unlike a couple of big names like Jarasandha and Shishupal, was at least able to lift the bow, but could not pierce the target. Arjun won over Draupadi; the kings, not able to digest a defeat in the hands of two innocuous-looking Brahmins, stood up against the duo; Karna and Shalya - later to feature together in one of the most poignant days of the epic - were the chief protagonists. However, Bheem wrestled and thrashed Shalya, and that was that. Karna lost his duel against Arjun, as expected (more on that here).

Had Shalya been able to hit the target that day, the whole epic might have been written differently. Sigh.

***

Shalya mysteriously disappears from the scenario after the swayamvar. It should be noted that the swayamvar marks the appearance of Krishna in the lives of the Pandavs as well. The two queens, Kunti and Madri, had families significantly different from each other in their respective roles in framing the course of Hastinapur; while Kunti's brother's son Krishna was instrumental in the royal politics of the kingdom, Shalya remained completely aloof, waging wars elsewhere in the country.

When news went out the Great War was about to commence at Kurukshetra, our hero was summoned by the Pandavs to join forces with them. Shalya set forth with his massive army to join his nephews and stepnephews. On his way he came across an establishment of sort where the army was greeted in the most exotic of fashion.

This was no ordinary arrangement: food, alcohol and other non-trivial pleasure were in abundance. The predecessors of the Sardars made merry in abundance; they ate, well, in all likelihood, heaps of makai di roti dipped in a gargantuan quagmire of sarson da saag, accompanied with drunken revelry of the highest order. There was possibly tandoori chicken to boot as well.

Shalya was pleased.

No, this deserves to be written with a capital P. Shalya was Pleased. Such was his satisfaction level that he called for the organiser of the entire arrangement, and - hold your breath - promised whatever the man behind the curtains would ask for.

He was sure it was Yudhishthir. Who else, after all, would arrange for such a welcome for his fatigued garrison? He had called for Shalya in the first place.

It was just that it turned out to be the wily Duryodhan. He had heard about Shalya's fun-loving nature, and had helped him indulge in the grandest of pleasures on his route. A helpless Shalya had no option but to grant Duryodhan his wish - and join the Kauravs at Kurukshetra.

He had a request, though. He wanted to visit Yudhishthir once to inform him about the latest change of plans.  Yudhishthir did not hide his resentment, but he managed to keep his calm. Always a great judge of character, seasoned by thirteen long years of exile, he knew the characters of Duryodhan, Karna and Shalya like the palm of his hand. He requested Shalya for a two-fold favour:
1. If Duryodhan and Karna ever asked Shalya, who had mastered Ashwahriday (the art of riding and driving horses), to become Karna's charioteer, Shalya would oblige; and
2. Once condition 1 was fulfilled, Shalya was sledge Karna to the fullest, thereby making the latter lose concentration, especially during his duels with Arjun.

Before the Great War commenced, Yudhishthir went ahead and took the blessings of his the elders - Bhishma, Dron, Kripa and Shalya; during the process he reminded Shalya of his promise.

***

Shalya entered the Great War with his two sons, Rukmangad and Rukmarath, and his brothers - all of whom were renowned warriors. He fought a furious duel with Abhimanyu on the first day: they started with bows and arrows, and then stepped down to fight with maces. After a fierce battle both of them had to be carried away in their respective chariots.

However, Shalya came back some time later with a single-mindedness as strong as diarrhoea and attacked Uttar, Abhimanyu's brother-in-law. After a bloody tussle, Uttar, fighting from atop an elephant, managed to destroyed Shalya's chariot, but the Shalya fought valiantly, and finally had his revenge when he killed Uttar with a spear.

Shalya was thus responsible for the first major killing of The Great War.

Shalya fought several mini-wars here and there, but remained largely away from the forefront till the thirteenth day. As Abhimanyu entered the Chakravyuha, Shalya was one of the few who had been seriously injured in the hands of the teenage hero. He recovered the next day, though, and took an active part in defending Jayadrath - albeit in vain - the next day.

***

After Dron's fall, Karna was appointed the senapati of the Kauravs. After a largely eventless sixteenth day, Karna maintained that he was superior to Arjun (mwahahahahaha), but could not produce the desired results because he did not have a charioteer as competent as Krishna.

The conversation went somewhat like this:
Duryodhan: Dude, I need you to become Karna's chauffeur for the day.
Shalya: Are you bonkers? Do you even know who I am? I, Shalya, emperor of the cool Madra - you want me to drive for the son of a chauffeur? Are you aware of my strengths, my power?
Karna: Look here, mate. I wanna defeat this Arjun guy. He is acting too big for his boots - and I all I need is a suave chauffeur to help me. My guy is a retard, and cannot tell one end of the chariot from the other. I also need someone who can do a stock-taking of my inventory from time to time, and -
Shalya: Hang on. Who do you think you are? Julius Effing Caesar?
Karna: Mate, will you explain this guy what he's supposed to do?
Duryodhan: Dude, do you know who drives this Arjun guy's chariot thingy? It's Krishna. You know why I'm asking you? Because you're greater than this Krishna guy. You rock, man.
Shalya: Both of you are morons, since none of you could see that I was play-acting. I'll drive anyway. This obnoxious son-of-a-charioteer will die today anyway.

Thus began the eventful seventeenth day of The Great War. Shalya decided to keep a fresh Karna away from Arjun; he sledged him skilfully throughout the day. He compared him to a fox trying to take on a lion or a crow attempting to fly with geese.

Karna, the hot-tempered person that he was, retaliated rather harshly: he accused that Madra was infested with men who ate beef and fish and women who got drunk on an excess of alcohol and often turned desperate in search of partners. They never hesitated to sleep with strangers in exchange of alcohol, and shouted out loud during the most intimate of moments.

(Dear reader, between you and me, doesn't Madra sound a rather cool place to live in given the era? Sigh.)

Shalya retaliated with more stories and fables and managed to get further under Karna's skin; this led to Karna getting enraged and losing his ATP and concentration in the process. When Karna rushed to capture Yudhishthir alive, Shalya mocked him for chasing lesser warriors and not pursuing Arjun instead, calling him a liar.

The mental disintegration thus completed, the day eventually ended in the famed duel between Arjun and Karna; all of us are aware of the outcome.

***

Shalya's role in the Great War, however, did not end there. The next morning Duryodhan appointed him as the new senapati for what would turn out to be the last day of the Great War. On his appointment, Shalya immediately drew up a plan: no Kaurav would fight the Pandavs alone: they should always attack and defend as a group.

Krishna, of course, was aware of exactly how great a warrior Shalya was. He knew that Shalya was no less a warrior when compared to Bhishma, Dron or Karna; he was also aware of Shalya's special characteristic in a battlefield; he knew that a Bheem or an Arjun may not be able to defeat him.

Keeping everything in mind, he knew that Yudhishthir was the correct person to slay Shalya. It would also go a long way to inflate the warrior's ego and reputation just before he was on the verge of ascending the throne of Hastinapur.

So Yudhishthir is had to be. Flanked by Satyaki (a warrior; not Arjun's charioteer: a grave error made by both Satyajit Ray and Sujoy Ghosh) on his right, Dhrishtadyumna on his left, Bheem in front and the invincible Arjun behind him, Yudhishthir sat smugly despite resembling a horizontal crucifix.

Shalya and Yudhishthir attacked each other in this unmatched five-against-one battle. He fought Bheem first, and after a ferocious battle, both of them managed to injure each other sufficiently to make them retire temporarily from the battle. However, since both of them were incredibly macho, they returned to the battlefield with a vengeance.

Enough was enough, thought Yudhishthir. He had already performed way above potential on the final day of the war. He vowed in public to kill Shalya or be killed. This was a vow almost as incredible as Fardeen Khan's assurance to provide multiple facial expressions, but then, Yudhishthir meant business.

He managed to kill Shalya's charioteer and horses; once again Shalya was rescued - this time by Ashwatthama. He returned to the battlefield, flanked by Duryodhan and Ashwatthama, among others. Meanwhile, Yudhishthir fought like he was on dope, alcohol and Viagara at the same time, and killed thousands of Kaurav soldiers.

While the big names had dominated the first seventeen days of the war, the final day belonged almost entirely to Yudhishthir: he surprised everyone by massacring thousands of Kaurav soldiers. As Shalya charged against him, Bheem killed his horses again. Shalya, being a genuine horse-lover, was not inclined on losing any more horses: he stepped on the ground with a sword and a shield in his hand.

Bheem, in a rare display of archery skills, smashed both the shield and the sword; with Shalya disarmed, the stage was now set for Yudhishthir. He picked up a jewel-encrusted (why, I wonder) heavy-duty spear and hurled it at the great man.

The spear pierced Shalya's chest; he staggered for a few steps, trying to advance towards Yudhishthir, with the possible intent of killing him with his bare hands: but this was a task as uphill as AK Hangal trying to look like a teenager - and the mighty Punjabi munda fell on his face, his hands still outstretched like Shah Rukh Khan, the hilt of the spear protruding out of his back, his chest immersed in dust soaked in his own blood.

It was several centuries too early for him to utter "waheguru ji ka khalsa, waheguru ji ki fateh"; instead, he possibly thought of the vast stretches of Brassica juncea fields in which he had spent his childhood days; and then, it all ended.

No, even if the name suggests, Yash Chopra's last movie was not named after one of the greatest sons of his soil. It should have been, though.

Monday, December 3, 2012

A Tale of Two Eclipses

A solar eclipse is one of the coolest spectacles the nature can offer us. I mean, this is not the useless coolness one typically associates with a chihuahua, but serious coolness that reminds you of Karan Kapoor in a Bombay Dyeing commercial.

There were two solar eclipses mentioned in the epics. The first, an early morning one; the second, a late afternoon one. Both eclipses were crucial, instrumental in turning the course of the epics; it is up to the astronomers to find out the exact period of the epics from tracking the solar eclipses in known history.

The Ramayan eclipse:
Epics typically involve gory battles. They are meant to have battles - it adds to their macho effect. They would have become Mills and Boon otherwise.

Ramayan, the older, holier and more classical of the two epics, involves lots and lots of gore; not the Ramanand Sagar-style gore involving two arrows meeting and one disappearing, but the kind that would make Hannibal Lecter cringe in horror.

On one of those blood-infested days there was a major fight between Indrajit and the Ayodhya brethren. Both brothers were great warriors, and fought hard in a well-matched battle, and the crimson that drenched the beach of Lanka was reminiscent of a hard-fought La Tomatina. Indrajit, however, had the advantage of fighting from behind the clouds, and soon brought down the two brothers. They never stood a chance.

The hapless monkeys and bears that assisted Ram and Laksham soon fell to Indrajit as well. Their lack of a long-distance weapon meant that they were no match for Indrajit. One by one they fell, the greatest descendants of simian and ursine origins - to the piercing arrows of the great demon warrior.

Soon, all that was left of Ram's gargantuan army were the two immortals - Hanuman and Vibhishan. They, taking the obvious advantage of their immortality, decided to go on a door-to-door survey to check whether anyone was alive.

Jambaban, despite studded with arrows, was in his senses for some inexplicable reason. The great bear - who went on to become the father-in-law of Krishna in due course of time - hung on to the last moments of his life. Immediately he instructed Hanuman to go to Mount Gandhamadan (which is located somewhere close to Rameshwaram) to fetch the four life-saving medicines - Bishalyakarani (to extract weapons and heal weapon-inflicted wounds), Mritasanjibani (to restore life to the dead), Subarnakarani (to restore the original complexion) and Sandhani (to heal fractures and to find - and join - severed limbs).

Take a moment to ponder on this: you're saving lives, you're restoring severed limbs, you're healing wounds - and amidst all that - you're also concerned about your COMPLEXION? Puts things into their true perspective, that.

I can almost imagine a conversation:
Doctor, will I live?
I think there is a 50-50 chance.
Doctor, will the injuries heal?
I think they may not, but let us still keep our fingers crossed.
Will you need to amputate both my legs?
Sir, that will be the only way you can survive gangrene. 
But I will still retain my baby-pink complexion, correct?

Let us move on, though. Let us venture deep into Hanuman's nocturnal adventures: Jambaban had mentioned that Hanuman was supposed to bring back the herbs before Sun's first rays kissed the shores of Lanka. Hanuman, already immortalised for his record-breaking leap to Lanka, took a leap back in the opposite direction: he crossed the Palk Strait again, and landed on top of the Gandhamadan with an incredible accuracy.

This is when confusion reigned supreme. Hanuman, already crippled by the fact that it was very, very dark  out there (someone had once explained to me that a solar eclipse is always preceded by a new moon night), was also not the greatest expert in the field of botany. Hence, he decided to uproot the entire mountain and carry it back with him.

This is somewhat similar to the following scenario:
O mighty System Admin, can you please, please delete the file My_Threesome_With_Cyborg_and_Giant_Panda.avi from my laptop?
Where exactly is it located?
I'm not sure, but you can find it somewhere.
...
I could not find it, so I have formatted your laptop instead.

It was a solution that efficient. Anyway, by the time Hanuman lifted the mountain in his left hand (he always carried a mace in his right; he looked more photogenic that way) and took off for Lanka, Indrajit had informed Raavan of his feat: Raavan had summoned Surya, and had asked him to rise early that day, defying all sorts of calendars.

Surya, as mortally afraid as any illuminant God ought to be of a ten-headed force, decided to heat up things. He left the smug warmth of his bed, drifted towards the east sky and threatened to rise. Hanuman, slightly startled by the early rays, pounced on Surya - and encountered him. With both hands occupied, Hanuman accommodated Surya in his armpit (my guess would be the right armpit; the left was held aloft with the mountain on it).

The rest, as they say, is history. Hanuman reached on time (he obviously did, with Surya tucked smugly in a somewhat smelly alcove) and restored the health and COMPLEXIONS of Ram's army; he also replaced the mountain and Surya in their rightful positions, and everyone was happy.

As is probably obvious from the narration, Hanuman had caused the first recorded incident of solar eclipse; his was the armpit that helped create history. If only the astronomers were interested in some research...

The Mahabharat eclipse:
(yes, I'm aware that Premendra Mitra has mentioned this)
The Mahabharat, as we all are aware of, is a tale way, way bloodier than The Ramayan. It's an amazing saga involving lots of curious-minded people, including a lot of non-trivial stuff, as mentioned in the opening paragraph of this blog post.

The Mahabharat had a battle with effects more sinister than the Ramayan. An entire nation's sex ratio took a major dip over a span of eighteen days, and it took a few thousand years and some serious lack of family planning to bring things back on track.

I have written at lengths on the most eventful day of The Great War earlier, and would not indulge in another drone. I seldom indulge on encores (unless it does not involve Fardeen Khan), and this would not be an exception, either.

However, I must insist on repeating the fact that the entire mission was a useless one: when someone kills your son, you kill that person: you do not kill the checkpost guards involved. What's more, you do set yourself targets, however unrealistic, but you do not promise to kill yourself if you cannot fulfill it within the stipulated time.

Even though Arjun cut through the Kaurav forces as a speed as breakneck as Kanti Shah movies typically do through the brains of unsuspecting heathens, he could not break the final barrier. The relatively inferior Karna (read here for a research) held him at bay, and he was well-supported by a phalanx of rathis and maharathis, including big names like Ashwatthama, Kripacharya, Shalya, Duryodhan, Kritabarma and Karna's son Brishasen.

Jayadrath must have felt smug and warm in this amazing protection. To his credit, he had been fighting quite ferociously from behind the protection as well, piercing Arjun with his arrows. Duryodhan had asked his entire army to focus on Jayadrath's protection, and in the dying moments of the day, Krishna realised that it was, well, time.

Fortunately for the Pandavs, Krishna's research stretched far beyond weapons, women and gambling: he had  a profound knowledge of astronomy as well - a subject Arjun and the Kauravs, however, knowledgeable, had been careless enough to flunk.

Krishna knew there was a solar eclipse on the brink; he also knew how to capitalise on it. As soon as the Sun (who was, if you remember, Karna's father) was covered by the Moon, Krishna spread the news that it was, indeed, sunset.

The Kauravs rejoiced, none more than Jayadrath - who actually was moronic enough to peek out to check whether the Sun had indeed set. Arjun took this opportunity to behead Jayadrath. There was a catch in this, though:

Jayadrath had a father. No, that isn't the catch. Jayadrath's father Briddhakshatra had prayed to Shiv and had got a strange boon in return: the person who would be responsible for letting Jayadrath's loose head fall on the ground would not be spared either - his own head would be split into a hundred pieces immediately.

Briddhakshatra, despite emotionally true and committed to his son, did not make a foolproof plan to save him. I guess he was logically challenged to some extent, which might be evident from the following diagram:
The Briddhakshatra grid
The illuminated Krishna, however, was aware of the various cases mentioned above. He had figured out that since X had to be Arjun, and since 3 was not an option, it had to be either 4 or 6. Exactly why Krishna asked Arjun to carry Jayadrath's decapitated head to Briddhakshatra's lap eludes me (I would have possibly have preferred to place it on Karna's shoulder or something), but that was precisely what Arjun did.

Briddhakshatra, not brought up on Brainolia, had forgotten about his illogical boon completely, stood up in shock and the rest, as they say, is history. And a gory one, too. It is rumoured that they could never put the parts of the head together again, which was a tad unfortunate. The old man, being a Sindhi, was possibly rather handsome.

Anyway, amidst all the confusion, the Sun shone again, The Sun, with the stink of Hanuman's sweaty armpits fading with time in its extreme heat, came out again. With Jayadrath fallen and some time still left for sunset, the Kauravs felt tricked. But if they were astronomically challenged, they had only themselves to blame.

The war continued deep into the night; there was more bloodshed, more tension, more drama, more of everything. But that is another story altogether, something I have written once about, and have vowed not to repeat.

Now, where are the astronomers?

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

The Oxford Comma

There is the period. For shorter pauses, there is the semicolon. And for even shorter ones, there is the comma. And then, there's the queen of them all - the Oxford Comma.

With the passage of time, my interest in the Oxford Comma had faded. However, a few days back Kausikda had managed to re-ignite my interest in the most regal of punctuation marks. I remembered all those fond memories, those lazy afternoons spent together with the Oxford Comma - and I smiled; I even laughed heartily after ages.

So what is an Oxford Comma anyway?

Consider the following sentence:
Fardeen Khan has three cousins - Suzanne, Sanjay and Farah.

The only comma used here is the one after Suzanne. Now, Oxford University Press (and a few other bodies like the Chicago Manual of Style) suggest we should write the sentence in the following fashion -
Fardeen Khan has three cousins - Suzanne, Sanjay, and Farah.


The second comma, the one after Sanjay, is commonly referred to as the Oxford Comma. The question is - why do we need an Oxford Comma?

Consider the following sentence:
He went to Mumbai to meet Bollywood's greatest leading men, Fardeen Khan and Zayed Khan.

Obviously, this is an ambiguous statement, and can mean two things:
The more probable scenario 1:
The less probable, even abominable scenario 2:
To remove the hideous ambiguity we can use two methods:

1. Use the common plural noun at the end or at the middle:

He went to Mumbai to meet Fardeen Khan, Zayed Khan and Bollywood's greatest leading men.
He went to Mumbai to meet Fardeen Khan, Bollywood's greatest leading men and Zayed Khan.
2. Use the (drumroll) Oxford Comma:

He went to Mumbai to meet Bollywood's greatest leading men, Fardeen Khan, and Zayed Khan.



Is the Oxford Comma, then, the solution to all the problems in the world? Does it remove all ambiguity? The answer is, in short, no.

Let us change the sentence above to include a singular instead of the plural:
Without the Oxford Comma -
He went to Mumbai to meet Bollywood's greatest leading man, Fardeen Khan and Zayed Khan.
With the Oxford Comma -
He went to Mumbai to meet Bollywood's greatest leading man, Fardeen Khan, and Zayed Khan.

Both sentences are supposed to mean the scenario below:
However, a casual reader, especially one ignorant of the colossal grandeur Bollywood has offered mankind over decades, can interpret it like this:
This time, the only way to solve this is to put the singular common noun at the end:
He went to Mumbai to meet Fardeen Khan, Zayed Khan and Bollywood's greatest leading man.

The Oxford Comma is also used to resolve ambiguity where there are a lot of conjunctions involved. For example, consider the following sentence:
The annual kickboxing contest at the Khan household was traditionally contested between Feroz Khan and Fardeen Khan and Sanjay Khan and Zayed Khan.

The above statement, despite defining a contest, does not explicitly define between whom the contest was traditionally held. It could have been, for example, held between the following opposing teams:
 Feroz-Fardeen-Sanjay vs Zayed.
 Feroz vs Fardeen-Sanjay vs Zayed.
 Feroz-Fardeen vs Sanjay vs Zayed.
 Feroz vs Fardeen-Sanjay-Zayed.
Feroz vs Fardeen vs Sanjay-Zayed.
Feroz vs Fardeen vs Sanjay vs Zayed.

To avoid the immense confusion and to help the tournament organisers pull up a proper schedule, we must use the Oxford Comma here.
The annual kickboxing contest at the Khan household was traditionally contested between Feroz Khan and Fardeen Khan, and Sanjay Khan and Zayed Khan.
This would help the organisers and the spectators (including the unequally talented jamais of the household - Hrithik Roshan and DJ Aqeel) immensely. This will also help us, the laymen, to get a better grasp of the contest.

That brings us to that question, the answer to which is coveted by all grammar-obsessed individuals: why use an Oxford Comma when we have the semicolon? Can the semicolon not be used for the same purpose?

In short, we can say yes to that. However, though most authors consider semicolons cool enough to be used, some detest the pause they bring to the text - a pause longer than the archetypal comma, even the Oxford one, brings to mankind.

As for the semicolon, we will devote another day, and another post to that. There will be pauses; there will be clauses; there will be colons - ascending, descending or otherwise; there will be smileys; and above all, there will be Fardeen Khan.

Keep an eye on this space.

Monday, November 5, 2012

ণত্ব-বিধান

ষত্ব-বিধানের লেখা এইখানে

***

আজ, ২০১২ খ্রীষ্টাব্দের নভেম্বরের এই সকালে বসে ণ্‌-এর কথা ভেবে মনটা খুব খারাপ হয়ে গেল। আরো হল, কারণ ণ্‌-কে নিয়ে কেউ খুব একটা চিন্তিত নয়; আজ যদি বাংলা ভাষা থেকে ণ্‌ সর্বৈবভাবে লুপ্ত হয়ে যায় (ঠিক যেমন  বেচারার ক্ষেত্রে হয়েছে), সমস্ত ণ্‌-এর জায়গায় হঠাৎ ন্‌ ব্যবহার শুরু হয়, মনে হয় না তাতে কারুর বিশেষ হেলদোল হবে। ণ্‌ অনেকটা দুয়োরানীর মত - তার অস্তিত্ব সম্পর্কে সবাই ওয়াকিবহাল, কিন্তু তার ব্যবহারে কেউ খুব একটা ইচ্ছুক নয়।

একেবারে উচ্চারণ দিয়েই শুরু করি। অন্ততঃ নব্বই শতাংশ বাঙালির উচ্চারণে ণ্‌ হল "মোদ্ধেন্ন"; বাকিরা, যারা একটু বিশুদ্ধবাদী, তাঁরা বলেন "মূর্ধন্য"; সমস্যা হল, দুটোই ভুল।

"মূর্ধন্য" মানে হল "মূর্ধা সম্বন্ধীয়"; বর্ণের ক্ষেত্রে মূর্ধন্য মানে হল "যা উচ্চারণ করতে মূর্ধা ব্যবহার করতে হয়" - যেমন ট্‌ ঠ্‌ ড্‌ ঢ্‌। মূর্ধা কথার আসল মানে মাথা হলেও এক্ষেত্রে "মুখের ছাদ", অর্থাৎ ট্‌ উচ্চারণ করার সময় জিভ যেখানটায় ঠেকে।

মূর্ধায় ঠেকিয়ে যে বর্ণ উচ্চারণ করতে হয় তাকে বলে মূর্ধন্য, যেমন ট্‌ ঠ্‌ ড্‌ ঢ্‌ ণ্‌। এর মানে হল, মূর্ধন্য আসলে বিশেষণ; ণ্‌-এর আসল নাম "মূর্ধন্য ণ" (হ্যাঁ, পুরো কথাটাই, শুধু মূর্ধন্য নয়); মজার ব্যাপার, আমাদের উচ্চারণে ণ্‌ আর ন্‌-এ কোনো পার্থক্য না থাকলেও হিন্দিতে ণ্‌ উচ্চারণ করার সময় মূর্ধায় ঠেকানো হয়, যার ফলে ণ-এর উচ্চারণ হয় অনেকটা ড়ঁ-এর মত।

বাংলায় মূর্ধন্য ণ-এর আকৃতি দেবনাগরীর থেকে অনেক বলিষ্ঠ। আমাদের ণ মোটেই ওদের মত নুইয়ে-পড়া হাড়জিরজিরে নির্জীব ক্লীব নয়, রীতিমত শাঁসে-জলে চেহারা তার, তার উন্নতশির অস্তিত্বে বাংলা ভাষার সম্পদ আজ বহুগুণে বর্ধিত। চেহারা দেখলেই বোধগম্য হবে -
বনাম 
দেবনাগরীর ण একটা অদ্ভুত ন্যাতানো, মাথা-নোয়ানো, কেলিয়ে-পড়া ক্লীববিশেষ; যেখানে আমাদের ণ্‌ অনেক বলিষ্ঠ, উন্নতশির, ঋজু মেরুদণ্ডের অস্তিত্ব। তাও আমরা মূর্ধন্য এবং তার ব্যবহার সম্পর্কে রীতিমত উদাসীন।

উচ্চারণগত পার্থক্য (যা আমরা আদৌ মানি না) ছাড়াও ণ্‌এর মাত্রা আছে, যা ন্‌এর নেই। ণ্‌ হামেশাই ট্‌ ঠ্‌ ড্‌ এর সঙ্গে যুক্ত হয়, ন্‌ও। ণ্‌--যুক্ত যুক্তাক্ষরের চেহারা ন্‌যুক্ত যুক্তাক্ষরের থেকে সম্পূর্ণ আলাদা -
ণ্‌ যোগ করলে হয় ণ্ট ণ্ঠ ণ্ড, সবকটাই মাত্রাবিহীন
ন্‌ যোগ করলে হয় ন্ট ন্ঠ ন্ড, সবই মাত্রাযুক্ত

ণ্‌ দিয়ে সাধারণতঃ শব্দ শুরু হয় না। ণিচ্‌ নামে একটা প্রত্যয় আছে অবিশ্যি, যা ব্যবহার হলে সেই ক্রিয়াপদকে ণিজন্ত ক্রিয়া বলে। কিন্তু এছাড়া ণ দিয়ে শুরু কোনো শব্দ অভিধানে নেই।

তাহলে ণ্‌ কখন কোথায় ব্যবহার হয়? কেন হয়? তা নিয়ে রীতিমত নিয়মটিয়ম আছে, যার নাম ণত্ব-বিধান। ণত্ব-বিধান অবশ্যই আরেকটা ণ্‌ দিয়ে শুরু শব্দ, কিন্তু এর মধ্যে একটা জালি আছে। এটা গায়ের জোরে ণ্‌ দিয়ে শুরু শব্দ।

ণত্ব-বিধান বাংলা ব্যাকরণের অন্যতম ঘ্যাম জিনিস। মন দিয়ে একবার শিখে নিলে বাংলা বানান ভুলের সংখ্যা অর্ধেকের নিচে নেমে আসবে।

১) ঋ র্‌ ষ্‌ থাকলে তার অব্যবহিত পরে অবশ্যই ণ হবে, ন নয়। যেমন ঋণ, স্বর্ণ, উষ্ণ। বিদেশী শব্দে অবশ্য এর প্রয়োজন নেই, যেমন হর্ন, কর্ন, পর্নো।

উদাহরণ -
ট্রাক-ড্রাইভারেরা হর্ন বাজিয়ে তাদের নতুন সভাপতিকে উষ্ণ অভ্যর্থনা জানাল।
পর্ণকুটিরে বসে সজোরে পর্নোগ্রাফিক ভিডিও দেখলে প্রতিবেশীরা আপত্তি জানাবেই।

২) ঋ র্‌ ষ্‌ এর পর (যতগুলো ইচ্ছে) স্বরবর্ণ, ক-বর্গ, প-বর্গ, ব্‌, হ্‌, ং থাকলে ণ হবে। যেমন কারণ, শ্রবণ, শ্রমণ, ম্রিয়মাণ। আবার, বিদেশী শব্দে এর প্রয়োজন নেই, যেমন কার্বন, হ্যারিকেন।

উদাহরণ -
কানের খুব কাছে বৃংহণ শুনলে অনেকেরই হাতে হ্যারিকেন হয়ে যায়।
কার্বন ডাইঅক্সাইড শোঁকার নেশা হলে মরণ আসন্ন।

৩) ট্‌-বর্গের বর্ণের অব্যবহিত আগে (একই বর্গের বর্ণ বলেই মনে হয় একটা আঁতাত আছে) ণ্‌ বসবে। যেমন ঘণ্ট, লুণ্ঠন, ষণ্ড। বিদেশী শব্দে এর প্রয়োজন নেই, যেমন মাউন্ট, রাউন্ড, ব্লাইন্ড।

উদাহরণ -
মাউন্ট এভারেস্ট ঘণ্ট রান্নার পক্ষে খুব সুবিধের জায়গা নয়।
এক পাউন্ড ষণ্ডমাংস খেলে কারুর জাত যায় না।

৪) প্র, পরা, পরি, নির্‌ উপসর্গের পর ণ হয়। যেমন প্রণব, পরায়ণ, পরিণাম, নির্ণয়। আবার নিপাতনে সিদ্ধ উদাহরণও আছে, যেখানে ন-ই থেকে যায়, যেমন প্রনষ্ট, পরিনির্বাণ, নির্নিমেষ।

উদাহরণ -
ঊর্ধতন কর্মচারীর স্ত্রীর দিকে নির্নিমেষ দৃষ্টিতে তাকিয়ে থাকলে পরিণাম সুবিধের হয় না।
পরিনির্বাণ আয়ত্ত করলে সবাই ঢিপ্‌ ঢিপ্‌ করে প্রণাম করে।

৫) প্র পরা পরি নির্ উপসর্গ বাদে সমাসবদ্ধ পদের দ্বিতীয় শব্দের ন্‌ থেকে যায়। যেমন সর্বনাম, পবননন্দন, দুর্নীতি। এখানেও নিপাতনে সিদ্ধ উদাহরণ আছে, যেখানে ণ্‌ হয়ে যায়, যেমন রামায়ণ, শূর্পণখা, অগ্রণী। অবিশ্যি আজকাল শূর্পনখা বানান দিব্যি চলে।

উদাহরণ -
মুখপোড়া পবননন্দন ও নাককাটা শূর্পণখার বিয়ে হলে রাজযোটক হত।
দুর্নীতির জগতে অগ্রণী হয়ে ওঠার মধ্যে একটা ঘ্যাম ব্যাপার আছে।

৬) ত্‌ থ্‌ দ্‌ ধ্‌ এর আগে ন্‌ ব্যবহার হয়। যেমন শান্ত, গ্রন্থ, ক্রন্দন, বন্ধন।

উদাহরণ -
অনর্গল ক্রন্দনরত বালকদের স্থূলকায় গ্রন্থ দ্বারা প্রহার করলে তারা শান্ত হয়।
অক্টোপাস-শুণ্ডের বন্ধন অত্যন্ত মন্দ।

৭) কিছু শব্দে এমনিই ণ হয়। যেমন অণু, আপণ (আপন অন্য শব্দ), কঙ্কণ, কণা, কণিকা, কল্যাণ, কোণ, গণ, গণ্য, গৌণ, ঘূণ, চিক্কণ, তূণ, নিপুণ, পণ, পাণি, পুণ্য, বণিক, বাণ, বাণিজ্য, বাণী, বিপণি, বীণা, বেণী, বেণু, ফণা, ফণী, লবণ, লাবণ্য, শণ, শোণ, শোণিত, স্থাণু।

উদাহরণ -
বেণুতে ঘূণ ধরলে জঘন্য শব্দ বেরোয়।
তূণের ভেতর রাখলে বাণের লাবণ্য বাড়ে।

৮) শব্দের শেষে (হসন্ত-সমেত) বসলে ন্‌ হয়। যেমন শ্রীমান্‌।

উদাহরণ -
শ্রীমান্‌ ফরদীন খান অভিনয় করার আপ্রাণ চেষ্টা করেন।

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

১২৫

লক্ষ্মীপূজো।

পূজোর অবিশ্যি বালাই নেই চারদিকে কোথাও। সন্ধ্যের দিকে ইতস্ততঃ শাঁখের আওয়াজ শুনেছিলাম ঠিকই, কিন্তু এখন চারিদিক নিস্তব্ধ। রাত বারোটার কাছাকাছি। পূর্ণিমা, তাই অন্ধকার নেই বিশেষ, দিব্যি আলো-ঝলমলে।

বেশ অনেকক্ষণ জানালার সামনে দাঁড়িয়েছিলাম। আমার মধ্যে রোম্যান্টিসিজমের ছিটেফোঁটা নেই, কিন্তু এখনও, এই পঁয়ত্রিশেও, ঘরের মধ্যে জ্যোৎস্নার আলো এসে পড়লে নেহাৎ মন্দ লাগে না। জানালাটা বন্ধ করে দিলাম।

মাথার মধ্যে হাজারটা দুশ্চিন্তা। নানারকমের। এতটাই যে সেলুনে গিয়ে নবরত্ন তেল দিয়ে গুছিয়ে মাথা মালিশ করালে দিব্যি হত। কিন্তু এত রাত্রে কোথায় কী? তার ওপর এবার অক্টোবরের শেষে হঠাৎ শীতের ডিসেম্বরসুলভ আদিখ্যেতা শুরু হয়েছে। রাত্রে পাখা কমিয়ে না দিলে সকালে গায়ে-হাতে-পায়ে বেশ ব্যথা করে ইদানীং - সুতরাং এখন নবরত্ন মালিশ করলে কাল সকালে বিশল্যকরণী স্যারিডন অবশ্যম্ভাবী।

লক্ষ্মীপূজো যেদিন হয় তাকে কোজাগরী পূর্ণিমা বলে কেন? জাগরী মানে জানি, কিন্তু আগে একটা বিটকেল "কো" কেন? হোয়াই দিস কোজাগরী, ডি?

পায়চারি করলাম। ভেড়াও গুনলাম। নাঃ, ঘুম আসার বিশেষ সম্ভাবনা নেই শীগ্‌গিরি, তবে আসবে হয়ত, অনেক রাত্রে। অনেক অনেক রাত্রে।

সন্ধ্যের হালকা ভিড়ের কলকাতার রাস্তায় পায়ে হেঁটে যে মানসিক চাপটা ম্যানেজ করা জলবৎ তরলং, হাজার স্কোয়্যার ফিটের ফ্ল্যাটের সীমাবদ্ধতায় সেটা দশগুণ হয়ে দাঁড়ায়। এগারোটা গড়িয়ে বারোটা হল, বারোটা গড়িয়ে একটা হওয়ার পথে।

নাঃ, আজ আর হয়ত ঘুম আসবে না।

ভেবে দেখলাম যে কোজাগরীর সঙ্গে গোদাবরী দিব্যি কবিতার মত মিলে যায়; কিন্তু এই চূড়ান্ত উপলব্ধির পরেও ঘুম এল না কিছুতেই।

ঘাড়ে-মাথায় জল দিয়ে, ফেসবূক ঘেঁটে, ইমেল চেক করেও ন যযৌ ন তস্থৌ। রেজনিক-হ্যালিডের সেই যুগান্তকারী বইটা থাকলে একটা চেষ্টা করা যেত, কিন্তু কী আর করা যাবে। নেই।

তার থেকে যাহোক্‌ কিছু লিখতে বসাই ভাল।

আর তখন, তখনই - লিখতে গিয়েই - মনে পড়ল সুকুমারকে।


বেজার হয়ে যে যার মত করছ সময় নষ্ট -
হাঁট্‌ছ কত খাট্‌ছ কত পাচ্ছ কত কষ্ট!
আসল কথা বুঝছ না যে, করছ না যে চিন্তা,
শুনছ না যে গানের মাঝে তব্‌লা বাজে ধিন্‌তা?
পাল্লা ধ'রে গায়ের জোরে গিট্‌কিরি দাও ঝেড়ে,
"দাঁড়ে দাঁড়ে দ্রুম! দেড়ে দেড়ে দেড়ে!"

নাঃ, এইবার ঘুম আসবে। জন্মের একশ' পঁচিশ বছর পর সুকুমার আজও সমান তাৎপর্যপূর্ণ। লাল বইটা নামাতে হবে এবার - ঐ বিশাল আকৃতির অথচ পাতলা লাল বইটা, যার ওপর সবুজ বেড়ালটা বিশ্রীভাবে ফ্যাচ্‌ফ্যাচ্‌ করে হাসছে।

যাই।

Saturday, October 27, 2012

The other

Mumbai, as all non-Mumbai-ites will agree, is a tough city. Reaching Mumbai for the first time in your mid-thirties and trying to fall in love with the city are impossible to achieve together, somewhat like meeting Ayesha Takia for the first time and managing to make eye-contact with her. It's ridiculously tough.

But there I was. Every day, after a tired day's work, I used to drag my rather obese self back to an apartment in Saki Naka (yes, people do live in Saki Naka); I used to take the elevator; I used to put up a hollow smile if Parkar or Patil or Shinde were entering or leaving their apartments (a natural one, if it was the Patil girl); I used to turn the key in the door I used to turn the lights on; I used to dump my backpack uncermoniously; I used to take a bath; I used to check whether the baai had cooked with curry-pata or without (the only variety in cooking she could ever dream of); then, I used to perch myself behind the laptop.

It was the same thing, over and over. Every day. Until that day. That day.

I did everything as my impeccable schedule till I entered my room on one of those sultry evenings only Mumbai can conjure out of nowhere. As I threw my backpack on the cot and turned towards the bathroom, I looked out of the corner of my eye and noticed something stir in the room.

The light was on. It was another human being. Just like that.

Obese. With glasses. Oddly familiar.

In fact, it was an exact replica of mine. Yet another Abhishek Mukherjee. Wearing exactly the same shirt and trousers that I had on. Even the circles of sweat around the armpits looked the same size. They possibly stunk the same, too.

This was not right. This was clearly not right. This could really not be happening. One of myself was revolting enough for the world - why bother Humanity with two?

"Er, who exactly are you?" I asked in a shocked, almost scandalised voice.

"Abhishek Mukherjee", the impostor lied in the singsong voice and killer accent that the world knows as mine.

"No. You cannot be Abhishek Mukherjee", I insisted.

"Of course I am. Who are you, by the way? And what are you doing in my apartment?" The duplicate demanded, somewhat incredulously.

"Excuse me...?"

"I thought you understood English. Or do you need to be conveyed everything in Marathi these days?" he let out a hideous cackle that I thought I was perfectly incapable of.

I grew impatient, almost to the verge of losing my temper. "Listen, I'm not quite sure what the best way to inform this to you is, but - I am Abhishek Mukherjee. The only one that has ever existed. I mean, I might have, must have had namesakes, but, I mean, I am the only one with exactly the same DNA configuration as mine. Which means that I am unique."

"Look, a loud voice won't help you rob me of my identity. I am, and continue to remain Abhishek Mukherjee. And I have no intention whatsoever to change that identity."

"See, there is a big, glaring error here. Since I cannot remember being cloned, one of us is an impostor, and the remaining one - which is myself - is the real Abhishek Mukherjee."

The other Abhishek Mukherjee sighed. For a moment it seemed he might swear - which would have sealed for good the fact that he is a fake - but he did not. Instead, he said, rather nonchalantly: "there has to be a test."

"A test? What test?"

"To find out which of us is the real one."

I groaned in exasperation: "Why do we need a test?"

"We should not have, had you not been this adamant. You should simply have walked away."

"Are you insane? Listen, buddy, double roles happen in Bollywood movies - and they don't happen even there these days. They are not supposed to happen in real life. This is outrageous."

"Which is why we should take a test of some sort."

"What test are you talking about?"

"That is up to you to decide."

"Well, Fake -"

"Please abstain from calling me Fake. I am the Real One."

"See, everyone who knows me is aware of the fact that the real Abhishek Mukherjee has got a terrific sense of humour. It is so insanely good that most people consider it out of the world, and insist that it should have been sent to Mars instead."

The other Abhishek Mukherjee merely blinked. I thought it was unusual that he did not laugh, even smile, but then, it was really a lame joke. "So?" He asked expressionlessly.

And then it struck me. I almost lost my composure as I shouted in excitement. "Look, I know what test to take."

"Which is...?"

"Listen, as I have just mentioned, I, the real Abhishek Mukherjee, am quite renowned for his sense of humour. People love his style, and drool over his extremely popular blog ... Er, no. I just have a blog, that is all. It is not extremely popular. It has not won an award, has over only a hundred followers, and the total page-view count till date is hovering around merely the 100,000-mark. It also has the most unimaginative name ever. It's nothing robust. But it's an extremely popular blog, and I am destined to become one of the most popular authors ever."

The impostor pretended to yawn. I felt like slapping him, but restrained myself with some effort. "Listen, we need to take the test: we can simply tell each other a joke; whoever comes up with the funnier one is the real Abhishek Mukherjee and the other walks away without a word", I uttered.

To my astonishment, he nodded. Here was a fake entity bringing about his own defeat, and hence, exit.

I marvelled at the singularity of the situation. Not only did I have a doppelganger, he also spoke in a similar voice and accent as mine; now, he is going to undergo a joke contest that will decide who the real Abhishek is.

I, being the real Abhishek Mukherjee, had the first go, and I started off with my favourite 12-inch BIC joke.

I had expected the impostor to smile. He did not get the joke at all. He merely looked back at me with a very vacant, very Fardeen Khanly expressionlessness.

"It's your turn", I said, rather impatiently.

"I do not know jokes. I do not understand humour."

"What do you mean, you do not understand humour?"

"I just do not."

"That proves you cannot be Abhishek Mukherjee."

"Sense of humour is not a necessary criterion."

"That is not what we had decided upon."

"I do not remember what we had decided upon."

"You know something? That is the second proof that you cannot be Abhishek Mukherjee. I am famous for my incredible memory. My memory of cricket statistics and trivia is already a part of folklore, and has gone a long way in increasing my appeal among women."

"Cricket? You mean - the insect of family Gryllidae, that can be further classified into Eneopterinae, Gryllinae, Nemobiinae, Oecanthinae, Phalangopsinae, Podoscirtinae, Pteroplistinae and Trigonidiinae?"

My mind raced. I wondered whether there will be a courtroom of sorts where both of us will be tried. I, with my profound knowledge of the sport and my hugely reputed inadequate knowledge of biology, was sure to win the argument. Finding the correct lawyer would be the only issue, I thought.

I smiled and responded. "Have you not heard of cricket? The noblest of sports? The only sport whose books are safely classified as literature?"

"Lite - what? Is that anything that can be productised?"

This was serious stuff. Not knowing cricket could easily have meant you were Chinese or simply a low-IQ entity or both. But not knowing literature was completely on a different planet.

On a different planet? Hang on...

"Are you an Earthling?"

"Of course I am. I am, as I have mentioned before, Abhishek Mukherjee."

"See, you cannot be Abhishek Mukherjee. I am Abhishek Mukherjee, with an extraordinary sense of humour, a colossal memory and an insatiable thirst for cricket and literature. You, on the other hand, possess none of these qualities. Also, since you resemble me to an extent this uncanny, and I really cannot recall myself being cloned, you must be from another planet."

"You and your non-proactive mind tire me. Do I look anything non-human?"

"No. But how do I know that you cannot design yourself to make yourself look non-human?"

"You can take me to a clinic and get a full body check-up done. Actually, we can get that done, for both of us. Our DNA configuration will also prove who the real Abhishek Mukherjee is."

I groaned. More biology, I thought. I was also sure that since he has been able to replicate everything, his DNA configuration would be the exact same match.

"Listen, this isn't happening, right? You simply cannot exist."

"No, this is happening on the contrary. I am Abhishek Mukherjee. And somehow it turns out that you are him, as well."

"No. You possess merely a physical resemblance to Abhishek Mukherjee. I possess them as well as other traits."

"Well, we can come to a truce. We can merge."

"We can do that?" As always, I got to believe that the most hassle-free option was the best solution possible.

"Yes. However, the combined self will have to contain my traits."

"YOUR traits? Why? I am the real one..."

"Because I represent the more important aspects of life. As you have already heard, I am an expert at using words like productisation, proactive and robust. Provided the correct opportunities, I can use superior terms value-add, turnkey solution and the most superlative of them all - paradigm shift."

"You really think these corporate jargon are aspects in life that are more important than cricket, literature or humour?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about. Corporate jargon will help you take giant strides in life. Whatever gibberish you are talking of will not. Hence, my traits are dominant and yours, recessive. If we merge, the resultant Abhishek Mukherjee will be exactly like me; he will have my mindset, speak my words, and hence become more acceptable to the world."

"I do not agree to this. If that is the case, I do not agree to the merge."

"You do not have an option. As you must have noticed, I am the more powerful of the two. I have been able to replicate you. Not only that, I have been able to produce a superior version of you. I am going to overpower and conquer you, and trust me, this paradigm shift will make you an improved self. You won't regret it."

Fear crept in. My mind became numb to this horrific future of my existence. The impostor - who was probably not an impostor, and I had no idea what kind of creature he was - was actually smiling. The confidence in the smile seemed to drain my soul of all hope. My heart was filled with terror as I imagined myself converted into someone so gormless. It spread its arms wide and approached me. Cold sweat trickled down my spine. My feet grew numb as he advanced towards me, the imminent danger increasing with every step he took.

I thought of my daughter once. Then I thought no more. The only Abhishek Mukherjee that was going to exist was not the one I had so carefully nurtured over three and a half decades. He was not the one destined to follow a path to unusual brilliance.

He was going to change. For the worse. What was worse, it was going to happen in Mumbai.

And then, I heard a loud popping sound behind me, not very dissimilar to uncorking a champagne. Someone was behind me. A confident hand moved me aside and strode forward.

The other Abhishek Mukherjee changed. In a couple of seconds it was completely covered in bloodstained bandages. It was a mummy.

Its sightless face was turned to the other person in the room and it began to walk toward her very slowly, dragging its feet, its stiff arms rising...

She stretched out her right hand - the one that had a thin piece of wood in it - and cried "Riddikulus!" It was the pretty-faced Patil girl from next door.

A bandage gave way at the mummy's feet; it got stuck and its face hit the ground; its head rolled off on the ground.

She laughed. Even I broke into a smile as the tension and horror seemed to desert me. And then, we both laughed out loud. Very loud.

The boggart got blasted into what seemed to be an infinite number of pieces, and all was left was minuscule tendrils of smoke that soon mingled with the Mumbai smog.

The Patil girl mumbled something about Muggles; then, with a loud crack, she was gone.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

সুনীল আর নেই

বেশ কয়েকবছর আগে (কোন্‌ সালে ভুলে গেছি), শারদীয়া আনন্দমেলা পড়ছিলাম। তখনই ক্রমশঃ বুঝতে শুরু করেছিলাম যে সেই আশির দশকের চার্ম আর নেই আনন্দমেলার। শীর্ষেন্দুর উপন্যাসটা কোনোমতে শেষ করলাম, তারপর কাকাবাবু-টা আর ম্যানেজ করতে পারলাম না।

সেই আমার শেষ শারদীয়া আনন্দমেলা পড়া। কাকাবাবু শেষ করতে পারলাম না, আনন্দমেলা পড়ে কী হবে?

অনেকদিন অবধি আমার ধারণা ছিল, সুনীল গঙ্গোপাধ্যায় শুধু কাকাবাবু লেখেন। যদি শুধু তাইই লিখতেন, তাহলেও হয়ত সুনীলের ভক্ত থেকে যেতাম। কিন্তু তারপর "সেই সময়", "প্রথম আলো", "পূর্ব-পশ্চিম" ঝপাঝপ পড়ে ফেললাম। আর চিনলাম দিকশূন্যপুরকে। কবিতাদেরও চেনার চেষ্টা করেছিলাম, কিন্তু আমার মত কাব্যপ্রতিবন্ধীদের জন্য সেটা বেশ কঠিন কাজ। তাই নীরাকে চেনা হয়ে উঠল না আর।

সুনীল গিয়ে আমার আদৌ কোনো ক্ষতি হল কী? গত পাঁচবছরে প্রকাশিত সুনীলের নতুন কোনো লেখা আমি পড়িনি (সেই অসমাপ্ত কাকাবাবু-কেচ্ছার পর); তাহলে আমার কষ্ট হচ্ছে কেন? পুরোনো লেখাগুলো তো এমনিই পড়তে পারি।

পড়বও। মানুষটাকে চিনব, জানব। অনেক আজেবাজে লিখেছেন ঠিকই, কিন্তু ক্লাসিকের সংখ্যাও তো নেহাৎ কম নয়। এত মাস, বছর, দশক ধরে গুণগত মান অক্ষুণ্ণ রাখা প্রায় অসম্ভব ব্যাপার, কিন্তু যদি শুধু লেখার পরিমাণ ধরি, বুঝি যে অক্লান্তভাবে এত লিখে যেতে কী অপরিসীম সাধনা লাগে। এত লেখা যায়? আমার তো হাজার-শব্দের ব্লগপোস্ট লিখতে গেলে উন্মাদ হওয়ার উপক্রম হয়!

***

সুনীল কেমন মানুষ ছিলেন তা নিয়ে হাজারটা গুজব শুনেছি। কেউ বলেছে মাতাল; কেউ বলেছে দুশ্চরিত্র; কেউ বলেছে দুর্বিনীত; কেউ বলেছে রূঢ়; কখনো আবার শুনেছি উনি রবীন্দ্ররচনাবলীতে লাথি মেরেছিলেন (পায়ে রীতিমত লেগেছিল নির্ঘাৎ)।

কী সত্যি, কী মিথ্যে, জানিনা। এইটুকু জানি, যে বাঙালি যের'ম বোহেমিয়ান, উদ্ধত হতে চায়, কিন্তু মেরুদণ্ডের অভাবে পেরে ওঠেনা, সুনীল ছিলেন সেইর'ম কলার-তোলা মানুষ। লজ্জা-ঘেন্না-অস্বস্তির যে রাক্ষসগুলো আমাদের ঘাড়ে চেপে বসে দাবিয়ে রাখার চেষ্টা করে, সেগুলোকে চাবকে সিধে করতেন উনি। আর তাই বাঙালি হাজার খিস্তি করেও সুনীলকে শ্রদ্ধা না করে থাকতে পারেনা; কারণ কোথাও না কোথাও, কখনো না কখনো আমরা সুনীল হতে চেয়েছি, আর ডাহা ফেল করেছি।

আর ছিলেন খাঁটি বাঙালি। ্মিনমিনে জেলুসিলখেকো ক্লীব নয়, একেবারে রগরগে পৌরুষে ফেটে পড়া বাঙালি। তাই হয়ত সুস্থ, স্বাভাবিক বাঙালির দল ফেসবূকে স্রেফ একটা RIP Sunil মেরে বেরিয়ে পড়েছে গাড়ি ভাড়া করে থীমপূজো দেখতে। পূজো না থাকলে হয়ত আরেকটু ফূটেজ দিত তারা, কিন্তু কী করা যাবে, গাড়ি ভাড়া করা হয়ে গেছে না?

ভালই হয়েছে গেছেন। বাঙালির আর বেশি অবক্ষয় দেখতে হল না। এবার হয়ত কষিয়ে থাপ্পড় মেরে বসতেন আমাদের।

Monday, October 22, 2012

My Yash Chopra

It is Durga Puja. It is that time of the year when I'm terribly busy not going to pandals. Most people claim to be like that, but that defies the logic behind the incredible crowd that meanders across the City of Joy every evening and keep on doing so till late at night. It is that time of the year when Kolkatans pretend to be happy and Bengalis living out of Kolkata pretend to be sad.

I, for once, cannot pretend to be happy this time. That is not because the gazillion-rupee abomination called Durga Puja has arrived to mar my otherwise manageable days and nights. You can avoid the pandals; what you cannot avoid is the happiness oozing out of people as they flood Facebook with the glimpses of the Goddess they manage to obtain from the monstrosity that goes by the name of the Ekdalia Evergreen crowd.

I was irritated. Which was good, because right now I am sad. Sad, because Yash Chopra is no more. Not the Yash Chopra who directed horrible Punjabi movies like Veer-Zaara or movies like Parampara - where Vinod Khanna (in 1992) seduces two women and dies mid-way - or Chandni, where, for whatever reason, Sridevi is torn between an obese Rishi Kapoor and a geriatric Vinod Khanna. Not even for Vijay, which was basically a mysterious mimicry of Trishul.

My Yash Chopra did not drip Punjabi romance with every word he said. He was not mushy. He was solid, angular, vivid, brisk. He could reach poignancy hitherto unknown in Bollywood.

Instead, think Waqt. Think about the concept. Think about the influence it had on future directors even if you exclude Manmohan Desai. Think about a director daring to screen not two, not three, but four leading men on the same screen.

Think Ittefaq. Have you ever seen a better Bollywood thriller? Could you dream of picking Rajesh Khanna in his pomp, not assigning him a single song and using him in an intense thriller and still make it click? That was my Yash Chopra. No other director would have dared that.

Think Deewaar. Think about the person who never picked up a single paisa that was handed over to him without respect. Think about the masculine aura a man seemed to emit when he told - rather nonchalantly - that yet another coolie would refuse to pay the hafta next week. Think of the Amitabh Bachchan and Parveen Babi walking together.

Think Kaala Patthar. Think of the scene, dripping with intensity as the two angry men - albeit of different stature - ripping each other apart with their eyes - all for an humble cup of tea; few words were exchanged, and yet it was the intensity of the eyes that made the scene so iconic - all cooped up inside a movie that was supposed to be based on a real-life incident.

Think Trishul. Think of the dual-generation magnum opus involving characters of varying shades of gray. Think of the son putting everything at stake to avenge his mother. Think of the assortment of emotions he had to go through to battle his own blood in the ruthless arena of business.

Think Lamhe. Think of the director who could make the most of Sridevi during her golden days. Could anyone make Sridevi act better? Even if you say "yes", would you - I repeat - would you dare to launch Anil Kapoor without a moustache? Ever?

Think Joshila. Have you ever seen a romantic thriller so picturesque?

Think Kabhi Kabhie. Do you really not get goosebumps every time you listen to the recitation?

Think Mashaal. Did you really not feel as impatient as a helpless Dilip Kumar trying desperately to find a transport to take his dying wife to the hospital?

Think Darr. Have you, at least in your bathroom, have not tried to do a K-k-k-k-kiran?

Think Dil to Paagal Hai. Forget everything. Have you seen anyone replicate Karisma's Dance of Envy?

Do not, I repeat, do not think Silsila where Jaya and Rekha had that long, immensely boring, whispering conversation amidst infinite tendrils of smoke. Do not ever think Chandni where Rishi Kapoor is made to dance.

Ignore the production company. Simply remember the director. They don't make them like that anymore.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Panchasati / panchakanya: some serious research

As a Sanskrit shlok (which, given my limited memory, I obviously do not recall word-by-word) goes:
Remembering the five satis destroys the greatest of sins.

The Panchasati have also been referred to as Panchakanya; they basically stand for The Five Virgins, and are typically called so because, er, they were not virgins at all, and had multiple coital partners in their lives. This is probably akin to calling Fardeen Khan an actor because he cannot act, but then, we have seen stranger things in life.

The Panchasati were cool people. They apparently slept with multiple people because the society had decreed them to, not out of their own will. What the epics do not lay stress on is the fact that they had not explicitly refused to sleep with the illustrious males, and presumably found the pleasure women typically find out of the acts.

It's quite amazing how they got to sleep with multiple men and then got credited for doing so. How things have changed since then!

Let us have a look at the Quintet, then, one by one:

Ahalya:
The word ahalya literally means one who has not been ploughed. Alas, she did not live up to her name. as the ploughs did come along her way. Brahma, creator of the Universe of the famous lotus-seat fame, complete with four heads, gifted this perfect beauty to a sage called Gautam to keep her safe (!).

Gautam, the incredible celibate hero that he was, "protected" the most attractive women of the era from the eyes (and other organs) of the world. Brahma was so astonished by Gautam's amazing self-control that at the end of the testing phase he gifted him with Ahalya herself as his spouse. Go figure.

What was going through Ahalya's mind at this point of time?

Damn, won't he do it, just this once? Once? Tonight? Not even tonight? What do I do - smear goat-milk-butter on my skin? What turns him on? Does he even freaking realise he is turning down Miss Universe?

Good - so now I'm being handed back. The Nerd will be getting a prize of some sort and I will finally finally be assigned to someone who will want to perform. Hang on - nooooooooooooooooooooooo!

However, Ahalya herself was not the only one who was crestfallen at this handover. Indra, the king of Gods, the powerful Indra, the one who would probably penetrate his way through the entire female population of the living world, had set his eye on this perfect lady. Even after the wedding, Indra did not give up on this woman of desires.

The incredible string of events that followed was more or less like this: once, when Gautam was out, Indra came disguised as Gautam. There are two versions of what followed:
1. Ahalya saw through the disguise; she still asked Indra to get over with it quickly and leave at the earliest.
2. Ahalya did not see through the disguise; however, she did not show surprise of any kind at her otherwise reluctant husband coming back to have a rubbing-of-privates hour during office hours and accepted that it was, indeed, Gautam himself.

Whatever happened was anybody's guess, but Gautam, given the powerful sage that he was, got to know everything. After he was through with his telepathic voyeurism, he walked into his cottage and cursed Ahalya (he also cursed Indra and apparently to have him castrated temporarily).

Ahalya turned into a rock. Some say that she lived a life of celibacy and penance (what was she doing differently anyway?). She lay there and rocked for many, many years. It was only after Ram came along and touched her with his foot that she got back to normal; and promptly resumed a conjugal life with Gautam.

Summary:
Character name: Ahalya
Partners: 2 (Gautam and Indra; Ram's footjob doesn't count)
Desirability quotients as partner:
Coitus timeline:
Draupadi:
Draupaudi was another story altogether. Unlike the contemporary appeal of Ahalya, Draupadi remains possibly the most desired woman of all time. One look at her and any man could have gone weak in his knees. Men have killed for her. The fiercest war of all time was waged over her. Despite her sharing of five husbands, she remained desirable to each and every of them for an entire lifetime.

Draupadi fell during the mahaprasthan because she had desired Arjun more than his brothers (though she was supposed to love all of them equally, for whatever reason). True, Arjun was the one who had won her over at her swayamvar. However, Kunti and Krishna's diplomatic brains soon realised that the unity of the five brothers depended a lot on Draupadi; she was, after all, neighbour's envy and owner's pride.

So they decided to marry her off to all five. They will have to take turns to remain her bed-partner. In the first year (which was Yudhishthir's), Arjun was famously exiled for twelve years as he stepped inside when Yudhishthir and Draupadi were, well, not fully covered, thereby failing to adhere to the existing conditions.

Take a moment to look at the entire incident from Arjun's point of view: you win the most sensuous, most desired maiden of all times; you have to forego her for two years before you get a chance (that too, after Bheem's year, after which she would have required months to recover). I would not be surprised if Arjun had actually chosen exile.

Take another moment to note the number of years of exile: twelve. It had to be a number divisible by 1, 2, 3 and 4 to stop the calculations getting messed up, right?

Draupadi had two additional men in her life as well. Karna, whom she had apparently desired but could never gain access to (well, perhaps after they had all reached heaven); and Krishna, with whom she was "just friends" in true Bollywood fashion. We will not include them in this research, though.

So, after the twelve years of Arjun's exile, Draupadi continued to have his partners in the order YBANS, once every pentade. The agyatvas year in the Matsya Kingdom probably resulted in Droppy going through a one-year celibacy, but there were bigger things at stake.

Summary:
Character name: Draupadi
Partners: 5 (Yudhishthir, Bheem, Arjun, Nakul, Sahadeb)
Desirability quotients as partner:
Coitus timeline (during Arjun's exile):
Coitus timeline (after Arjun's exile):
Kunti:
Kunti continues to remain one of the shrewdest characters The Greatest Epic that has ever been. Volumes have been written on the role she had played to shape the politics of Hastinapur (I intend to do a write-up some day). However, this is merely a tribute to her satiism and her achievements in turning one of the most unexpected boons to her benefits.

You normally do not associate Durvasa with boons, but on that one occasion Kunti had managed to satisfy (how?) the great sage to such an extent that he showered his blessings on the virgin: she should be able to call any God whenever she felt like.

Kunti did not take Durvasa at face value. As soon as the sage left, Kunti took one look at the sky above her and called Surya. The Sun God appeared in a dazzling display of light; even Gods could not keep away from showing off those days, you see. It's for a reason that Surya went on to become a brand of tubelights and bulbs.

Kunti could have asked for anything - anything - something like a set of golden bangles or a Whateveram sari or the latest in apsara fashion; instead, she decided to keep quiet. Surya told her that he was in a hurry, so a quick steamy session was the best he could offer. Kunti (poor girl, she was so, so unwilling to have coitus with a God and yet had to; my heart goes out to her) kept quiet.

It was over quickly. The presence of Surya meant that things were heated up already, so it didn't take a while. Karna was conceived, and duly put in a basket and disposed off.

Meanwhile, Pandu, in the merry joy of adolescence, had killed a pair of mating deer; it turned out that it was a sage and his wife at it, fulfilling their fantasies of cervine (not canine) sex. The sage, before dying, told an utterly perplexed Pandu that he would die the moment he attempted coitus.

Pandu still got married. Twice. Beat that.

After years of celibacy, Pandu was petrified of dying without a son; he confided his fear in Kunti. He told her to go ahead and try one of the sages. She pretended horror in the beginning, but then, after a lot of pleading, she realised that she would have to do it. She must have heard stories of Vyas from her mother-in-law Ambalika, and did not have a choice.

She had to tell Pandu about her boon, but obviously did not tell him about the Karna bit. Pandu heard about the boon, completely believed the fact that she did not sleep with any of the Gods despite the fact that he had to lead a life of celibacy and she had every chance to break hers - that too with a God.

He asked her to call Dharma. It was all done very religiously. It was possibly missionary as well.

He asked for Paban next. It was a whirlwind thing involving a lot of airy incidents. I just hope that not a lot of gas was passed.

When Pandu asked Kunti a third time, she made her own choice. Perhaps she had read of Ahalya and Indra and had fantasies all along: Indra was invoked, and what followed was truly regal. Which is possibly why Arjun remained Kunti's favourite son, and is the only one repeatedly referred to as Partha.



Summary:
Character name: Kunti
Partners: 4 (Surya, Dharma, Paban, Indra) with a special reference to Pandu
Desirability quotients as partner:
Coitus timeline:

Tara:
Tara, unlike the other four, was always referred to as Tara the Wise. It's remarkably interesting - the roles Indra (and sometimes Surya) had to play in the lives of the satis. Tara had two partners in her life - Baali (the son of Indra) and Sugrib (the son of Surya).

Tara's chronology was simple: she was married to Baali. They made a fine couple - Baali the invincible and Tara the wise. She often helped her husband in administrative matters. Sugrib, meanwhile, was married to Ruma.

Then, one fine morning, Baali and Sugrib went out to fight a demon called Mayabi. They struck a deal as Mayabi entered a cave: Sugrib would remain in guard outside the cave while Baali would chase Mayabi inside.

Things did not, however, go according to plan. Sugrib was petrified by a continuous flow of mysterious, gory sounds that came his way from inside the cave. When the sounds did not stop, he played monkey business, and placed a few heavy, apparently immovable boulders at the entrance of the cave and fled.

He came back, announced Baali's death, and married Tara and led an enviable bigamous life. Needless to mention, Baali was not happy when he ultimately killed Mayabi, removed the heavy boulders and returned to find the proceedings.

Sugrib actually tried to explain things, but given the circumstances, it was as uphill a task as Himmesh Reshammiya's attempts to prove that he can sing. So he fled. Baali not only re-acquired Tara, but also took possession of Ruma.

Sugrib, after some time, came back aided with the assurance of Ram and got Baali killed. Once again Tara changed hands (along with Ruma), and this time the transfer was permanent. Sugrib was accused of being "too much into Tara" when Lakshman came to remind him of his duty; a tipsy Tara stepped into the scene to cool Lakshman using her charms, but that is another story.


Summary:
Character name: Tara
Partners: 2 (Baali, Sugrib)
Desirability quotients as partner:
Coitus timeline:
Mandodari:
Of the quintet, Mandodari had perhaps the least spectacular of careers. She led a simple life. She got married to Raavan (and was well-reputed for being the only one to live up to the great man's carnal desires), did her level best to stop Raavan in her pursuit of Sita and, well, with the death of Raavan, had to marry Vibhishan, had the greatest career drop in the two epics combined.

Curiously enough, Indra had a role to play in her life as well. Raavan was a long-time adversary of Indra, and their son Meghnad was renamed Indrajit after he vanquished Indra.

Like Tara, Mandodari's husband was also slain by Ram, and she too ended up marrying her husband's younger brother. She had one installment of each brother, though, unlike Tara's two.

Summary:
Character name: Mandodari
Partners: 2 (Raavan, Vibhishan)
Desirability quotients as partner:
Coitus timeline:
Disclaimer: Please ignore the bits where the graphs intersect. They should not have. I am aware of this. Pardon my limited knowledge of Microsoft Excel.

Followers