Friday, June 7, 2013

Random things I dislike

Disclaimer:
This post has not been inspired by this blog, though I love every post on the blog that I can relate to.

Like all mortals, I too have my own dislikes (which may seriously hamper my ambition of being an immortal); the problem is, there are a few items on my list that most people find perfectly normal. I mean, everyone dislikes Videocon television sets, cars that say "this car is backing up" when they go backwards, insurance agents, peanut butter, the voice that says "your call is important to us" when I call up Customer Service, or people who think friendship bands are cool - which is the reason that these won't qualify.

What I'm talking about is things (or people) I dislike with a passion, while other people find them perfectly normal. The list is longer than what I had thought, but still, I guess I should be out with them.

1. The Melody King
I think it went like this: a senior-level management personnel of Eureka Forbes was lying idly in his bathtub, sipping to some Aquaguard water. He was probably humming a tune of sorts in the process. Suddenly he leaped out of the water, and ran shouted 'Eureka!' (shouting 'Forbes!' doesn't quite have the same impact.) as he ran naked along the streets.

That was how the concept of the tune that accompanies filling of bottles using an Aquaguard came into existence. I have resisted hitting the machine with a sledgehammer approximately a couple of thousand times (yes, I know how to turn the music off, but it starts every time I switch the machine on, and I have to turn it off manually).

2. The Fast-Food Chain Employee Training
When medium-scale fast food chains like Monginis and Arambagh's initiate their employees, they make them undergo several courses. The ones at the top of these courses are called
- Smearing Two-Thirds the Paper Plate with Tomato Ketchup before You Actually Put the Food Item on it (ST2P2TKYAPFI), and
- Pouring Copious Amounts of a Brown Powder of Horrible Taste on the Food Item Without Asking the Customer (PCABPHTFIWAC).

It's not about customer satisfaction or dissatisfaction. It's about ignoring the customer completely.

3. Ravi Shastri's Kolkata Affair
The renaming of Calcutta just over a decade back was a watershed moment in Ravi Shastri's career. The Master of Cliches was possibly bored of pronouncing the city 'Calcutta' the way mortals like us do. Once the name was changed, he decided to take things in his own hands and calling it - with the confidence that so defines him - KOLKOTA.

No cricket match at Eden Gardens is complete without Shastri's voice booming over the microphone - NOMOSHKAR KOLKOTA!

4. The Informative Callers
In the age of cellphones, dropping of lines is perhaps a regular activity; it happens to all of us. The interesting people are those who call back after the line gets disconnected, and provide the most valuable bit of information possible: "the line got disconnected".

5. The Masters of the Adjective 
The English language has its limitations. Yes, the conservatives will of course shudder when they come across redundant adjectives, but some people are too keen on improving the language to such an extent that they use the adjectives irrespective of whether they're relevant. Yes, I know that they make a conscious effort to beautify the language.

Examples are 'free gift', 'two equal halves', or 'very unique'.

6. The Bottle-Cap Men: Communists or Statisticians?
By 2013, 99% Indian households have adapted themselves to the act of storing water as their second religion. Now, the general practice is to remove the bottles on a table in a line with their caps placed in a huddle elsewhere.

Now, once the filling bit is put out of the way, some people - presumably communists (my presumption may be wrong) assigns the caps randomly. They possibly think that it's a neat idea to assign bottle-caps randomly. May the Almighty's blessings be with them.

To make things clearer, I will provide pictorial evidence. This is how I place the bottle-caps:
On the other hand, this is how they place the bottle-caps:
On hindsight: these people may actually be statisticians as well, trying their hearts out to solve problems like these.

7. The Text Message Retainers
Txt msgs hv chngd da wrld, spcly India, in da 21st cntry. Dey hv imprvd cmnctn 2 a gr8 extnt, n hv brght da cntry 2gthr in a vry shrt span of tym.

Sm ppl r so hpy wid dis rvltn dat dey dnt wnt 2 del da msgs frm da mbl phn. Dey rck.

8. The Desktop Populators
There were those MS-DOS based monstrosities that came into our lives in the 1990s. And then, they were replaced by a really cool thing - called Windows, which made people dislike Bill Gates and make politically incorrect jokes about why he named his company Microsoft.

This is how I want my desktop to be like (always). A minimalist's approach, basically. Simple living and high thinking. Boring, drab, and colourless.
Picture courtesy: the internet
Obviously, the great minds do not share my utter disdain towards plenty. They live lives King Size, believe in bigger numbers, can handle more complications in life, and believe in the organised glitz that play an instrumental part to elevate them to the next level.

This is what their cool desktops look like. Colourful, smart, suave, chic, and happening. A work of art, if there was one.
Picture courtesy: the internet
Every country needs its icons. And so does every desktop.

9. The lingering finger grease
Kentucky Fried Chicken, that all-conquering chain founded by Colonel Harland David Saunders, had taken Kolkata by storm over the past decade or so - chiefly by adding a vegetarian thali on their menu and removing the classic recipe items.

They claim that their food is 'finger-licking good', which is true. What they do not mention is the fact that however you suck, lick, and perform other activities on your finger, the grease just would not go unless you use tap water. The wash basin, obviously, is located at the farthest corner of the joint.

I guess KFC actually wants us to take the walk to make sure that we burn down the extra calories consumed. It must have worked at some point of time for some ancient Americans, so it makes perfect sense to stretch the measure to 21st century Indians as well.

10. The generous lemonisers
For every group of people who go out for a meal together, there exists a grouplet that orders a plate of kababs. Each plate of kababs in an average Indian restaurant comes accompanied by one or more slices of lemon, along with other things.

Now, for every such grouplet mentioned above, there always exists a person who picks up the lemon slice (s), and with a triumphant look on his / her face squeezes the slice (s) and soaks the kabab pieces in lemon-juice with the confidence with which a pomfret consumes pomfret-food - without seeking the consent of the others.

These people do have a big heart. Yes, I know that there may be others in the grouplet that do not like lemon smeared on their kababs, but then, these helpful individuals always have the bigger picture in mind: they read up articles like this one, and do whatever they want to with the interest of mankind in their hearts.

***

There are more, but I do not really feel like adding to this list with a splitting headache. I will be back, though.

66 comments:

  1. This cheered me up greatly on an awful day. Both equal halves of the list were very unique. This was, in fact, one of the best free gifts I have ever received.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I guess you're happily cheerful now, and are gratefully thankful to me. Whatever it is, I hope it doesn't linger till tomorrow?

      Delete
  2. :D :D
    Agree with almost all of them. About point No. 5: I just finished reading "Eat, Shites & Leaves" today and I have a longer list :)

    P.S: My desktop looks exactly like the fourth picture of this post. Will you disown me?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have been recommended Eats, Shites, and Leaves by a lot of people whom I have told that Eats, Shoots, and Leaves is an excellent book.

      And yes, I may consider disowning you.

      Delete
  3. Peanut butter, really? I should have stopped reading after the first paragraph.

    Well, I am glad I didn't. :)
    Bhalo hoyeche.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Peanut butter tastes horrible and sticks to the ceiling of your mouth.

      But thanks anyway.

      Delete
    2. No, it doesn't. Taste horrible, that is, and it goes even better with jelly. PBJ, FTW.

      Delete
    3. Yeah ! Peanut Butter Rules !!

      Delete
    4. It is because of you that Snickers is catching up with Fruit 'n' Nut in terms of sales here. X(

      Delete
  4. What about those lingerie ads in Facebook??

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    Replies
    1. Nobody likes them. This list is about things that generally do not annoy people, but they do annoy me.

      Delete
  5. Shudhu peanut butter er jayga ta ektu golmele. Bakita byapok! I can relate to- 1,5,6,7,8,10.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Babu,your friends Diptee and Parama make fun of me.
    I don't like it :'(

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That is probably because they are good friends.

      Delete
    2. Babu, this is Godji's kripa that you've friends like us. :D

      Delete
  7. I'm a desktop populator, a bottle cap anarchist, an informative caller, and a text retainer. how sadly unfortunate.
    This is sparklingly brilliant. Kindly please write the remaining rest.

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    Replies
    1. I will, ASAP. I'm actually amazed at the demand for the sequel - I wrote the list because I had to get rid of a splitting headache.

      You can make up, Amritorupa, if Lord of the Flies turns out to be good.

      Delete
  8. hm..does not match up to your standard of expression

    ReplyDelete
  9. I admit it. I love me a good rant. And what a delicious rant this is!

    I'd beg to disagree about number 4. I am guilty of... [ahem!] being 'interesting' in this manner, but my intention is not to re-state the obvious, but to apologize for a disconcerting event beyond my control - especially when the phone cuts someone off mid-sentence.

    Spot on in number 8. I, too, hate desktop clutterers with a passion. Very few people seem to realize that apart from making their desktops look ugly as hell, up until Windows Vista, this actually made their computers slower to start up, because the desktop folder for each individual user was nested within nests of nests, making for a long path to the actual files - which Windows had to fetch and display every time.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Why should you apologise? It's your service provider that is at fault!

      Delete
  10. 1. Mom is in the habit of anthropomorphising every household appliance. I've since made peace with the water purifier's musical attempt at dissent.

    2. Eyeball every slightest movement of theirs as if the national security depended on it. Vehemently interject at 5 second intervals to keep the miscreants on the straight and the narrow. Refusal or failure to deliver to your exacting standards should be dealt with a prompt walk-out. Don't be afraid to create a scene if all else fails.

    3. Hit the mute button or carry ear plugs. There's not much else you can do.

    4. Well, I've been accused of hanging up on former girlfriends on the other end of the line, so...

    5. "Necessary documents".

    6. Aforementioned anthropomorphism. Water bottles want to start families too, I've been told. See it as a polyamorous, pansexual crown exchange ceremony.

    7. Thk bole6o.

    8. Ah, a fellow OCD case after my own heart!

    9. Learned it the hard way and ever since have held the drumsticks between multiple folds of paper napkins.

    10. Yeeeeesh! Just spotted a Biryani picture with a lemon slice in my Newsfeed! The horror!

    - Saikat Chakraborty (leaving my IP address vulnerable)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Do not worry, Saikat. My blog is too insignificant to be noticed by hackers.

      This is a wonderful comment, though. I love the fact that you agree with virtually everything!

      Delete
  11. I too hate cluttered desktop; I maintain only two icons.

    I often mix up those caps on pet bottles deliberately.

    I use Kent nowadays, it doesn't have any 'melody king' set up, alas! Life is not same any more.

    I exaggerate my adjectives, I am very unique at it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Why do you mix up the caps on the bottles deliberately? They don't even fit. :(

      Delete
  12. I too hate the redundant statements, but while I don't do 5, I do 4 ! And yet everyone complains I hang up on them. 6 (as long as the caps fit, who cares about colour), 7 (unless faced with space constraint, I do not budge, and then hope I can delete all together), possibly 8 (I never look at my desktop).

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Because certain functions like screenshots default to saving files on the desktop.

      Delete
    2. You can change the default settings. I'm sure you're aware of that.

      Delete
    3. Yes. But I have not felt an urge to do so. I hardly ever see my desktop. And compared to my real desktop, it is not that much of a mess either. The real desktop being a mess is more of a problem.

      Delete
    4. But if you don't see your desktop, why do you save files there?

      And what is a real desktop?

      Delete
    5. I can always access files from the desktop like any other directory from the command line.

      A real desktop is the top of a physical desk, where I keep my computer and stuff I read and stuff I write on paper (the last happens rarely these days).

      Delete
    6. It is clear now. There were two desktops in question.

      Delete
  13. Awesome.. Love it.. YOU rock Abhi!!! :-)

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    Replies
    1. I loved the emphasis on the correct word. Thank you. :)

      Delete
  14. I carefully manipulate them, so the heads get mixed up with the bottoms on which they will fit, but overall the table will get a feel of "Banana Republic"; I would like to say in my defence:Motley is fashionably in .

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    Replies
    1. Indeed. Motley is definitely in. In fact, the people that run our country serve as perfect examples.

      Delete
  15. I can bear with most of the other things but Ravi Shastri's horrid "Kolkota" and having to encounter these bottle-cap people day-in and day-out irks me to no end :X

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I feel, too, that Kolkota is the worst of the lot. It somehow makes my blood boil.

      Delete
  16. You mean if i do any of these i live an imperfect,aberent,abhorent and a flawd life?
    And it is such you bring order in your life?
    bwahaha. X-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I guess you really do not care for disclaimers at the beginning of the articles, do you?

      Delete
  17. How does Harsha Bhogle say K-O-L-K-A-T-A ? Have to take note next time.

    P.S. tumi kintu Nutella Heist niye kichhu at least likho.

    ReplyDelete
  18. ** take note. I think I wrote ''a note'' instead, baffled.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Harsha and Gavaskar's K-o-l-k-a-t-a don't hurt the ear, unlike You-Know-Who's.

      Delete
  19. Aww..you changed the bottle caps for this snap to guide the dumb readers.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No, that was to elucidate. My prose is not very descriptive, you see.

      Delete
  20. If you are the answer,
    What is the question?

    ReplyDelete
  21. Just one small piece of information, which may help.

    The tune that accompanies filling of a water bottle from Aquaguard is actually lifted from a symphony called Fur Elise (For Alice in English), composed by a gentleman called Ludwig Van Beethoven. Its sacrilegious to attribute a Beethoven symphony to a pot-bellied management graduate.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. 1. It's not a tune. It's a collection. I even know of a model that offers options.
      2. I have not really attributed the tune to a management graduate. I have merely attributed the idea of using the tune.

      Delete
    2. Why would anyone think of beethowen while doing as mundane a task as filling bottles?
      The noise while flushing & filling up of cistern & backing the car.These are miscarried tunes of some opera singer? Enlighten me.

      Delete
    3. I am clueless regarding what you're talking about. Please, let us not drag the great man into all this.

      Delete
  22. The point on Shastri is bang on! Had read a related joke once - "Dear spectators, please inform Mr Shastri when you are ready, BEFORE HE F...ING SCREAMS THE QUESTION!!!"
    But Dada, unlike all the other points, why would Text msg retention and Desktop population bother you, unless you keep peering into others comps and phones?? :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Worse than that, Straight Cut, he mis-pronounces it as Kolkota.

      Anyway, I am made to see messages; and when you work in an office you cannot miss cluttered desktops if you walk down the aisles.

      Delete
  23. A nice list of stuff you don't like... Which makes me wonder - how do you feel about Raindrops on roses, and whiskers on kittens, bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What, and allow you to sing me a song from Saagar?

      Delete
  24. Just came across this wonderful compilation. Its heartening to know that others share a significant number of dislikes that I always figured were 'very unique' to me :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, the list will pile up, don't worry. And welcome to my blog!

      Delete
  25. Thank you. Your blog was very helpful and efficient For Me,Thanks for Sharing the information.

    ReplyDelete
  26. I am guilty of No. 8. Once my desktop had a folder named New Folder (12).( cringes)

    ReplyDelete

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