Saturday, September 28, 2013

Random things I dislike: II

I finally have something in common with Woody Allen: people like our 'early comedies'. Nobody has liked the concept of Abhishek's Blog growing up. I have been receiving complaints that I'm getting all pensive and emotional.

Now, this is a serious complaint. It's time for a change of genre. Given the fact that I am seriously challenged in the realm of humour the safe option would probably be to fall back on the aspect of life I'm really good at: rambling.

What's more, this is not even an original topic. This is going to be a sequel of an older one, which means that the usual disclaimer will hold good:

What I'm talking about is things (or people) I dislike with a passion, while other people find them perfectly normal.

1. The Hole Entrepreneurs
I was probably Hitler in my previous life; or maybe I was Marie Antoniette; or maybe Genghis Khan (who basically murdered anybody who misspelled his first name, which was everybody: I himself used the spelling 'Chengiz' in my heydays, but by then he was dead); or maybe I was one of these ladies.

Unlike credit card points sins do get carried forward; they have done in my case, at least. This is probably the reason that God and Satan had got together, had forced me study inorganic chemistry, watch Kirti Reddy trying to act on screen, and - well - purchase leather belts and watches with leather bands.

Don't get me wrong. Leather is cool, more so because I'm not a vegan. Given a choice I would probably have become a non-vegetarian vegan (someone who eats flesh but does not use animal products), but till it has a name I would stick to my habits.

The manufactures - may the sky fall on their heads - have clearly singled me out for this. They do not, I repeat, do not want me to get a perfect fit at first attempt. I always have to get an extra hole or two done to allow it to fit me.

Exactly why they do this to me remains a mystery. As I have mentioned above, it must have been a thing from my past life.

2. The Obstinate Soaplets
The habit of sticking the remaining 1/37 of the last bar of part-elliptical, part-rectangular soap to the fresh one is as old a Bengali middle-class as forming group theatres. It usually works well if both soaps are more or less soft. The fun begins when it is not so.

Two hard bars of soap simply refuse to give in to whatever methods you apply: you may soak them in water and then try to gel them together with your steely grip. They just refuse to stay together the way USB drives refuse to fit at first attempt.

The following chart can be considered a handbook on this:

3. The Humming Pigeons
Don't get me wrong. Pigeons are nice, pigeons are peaceful, pigeons are generally well-behaved, and pigeons have made it to iconic scenes in movies like Parinda and Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jaayenge. I have also heard that they are generally delicious.

They also used to carry letters, which is rather cool. They come in different hues of white, black, blue, and bluish green, and are generally quite tolerable.

Unless they decide to build nests in air-conditioners and go hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm throughout the day, that is.

4. The Weekend Plan Revealers
Okay, let me break this amazing bit of knowledge for the sake of the world: my idea of a perfect weekend involves a lot of reading, a lot of writing, and a lot of thinking. It also involves catching up the random movie and meeting people I want to.

It does not involve meeting people I do not want to meet; it does not involve hanging out or chilling out with anyone who uses the abominable phrases; and seldom does it involve going on a weekend trip, because the preparation and journey typically involves more time than the time spent at the spot itself.

But that is just the proverbial tip of the iceberg. I do not have anything against people who hang out, chill out, or go on weekend trips, no.

What I do have a problem is with the same people asking me what my plans are for the weekend, or how my weekend meant. If you're reading this blog post you do have a fair idea.

If you still do not get it look at the first paragraph of this segment.

If you still do not get it, do leave a comment. I will reconsider our relationship.

5. The Tee-Party
This is more of a question, so I will be curt and to the point. What am I, as a man (I've leaving out the macho alpha male bit, which, however true, is redundant here), supposed to do when a woman wears a t-shirt with a one-liner* or a picture that is possibly funny?

Will the answer change if the woman is reasonably, er, well-endowed?

* This is an assumption from the fact that men wear t-shirts with one-liners as well.

6. The Polo Pizza People
We all know what is common to doughnuts, cheerios, bagels, and Nestle Polo. However, there exists a group of people who believe that the exact opposite holds for pizzas. The following illustration would help prove the point:
So basically every pizza slice ends up looking this after every meal.

Source: The internet
Fine, you cannot like the ends or crusts or whatever they're called. That really doesn't mean you throw them away. This is food, no less. Remember, life always comes with a thin crust option. And I'm not talking about Jennifer Lopez's wardrobe here.

7. The Elevator Button Champions
This may come as a revelation to a lot of people, but I guess it's time for me to come out with the truth: when you're in the lobby pressing elevator buttons do not make the elevator arrive to you a millisecond earlier than when it is supposed to.

While we are still on elevators I guess I need to add some more information to this. Once again, this is a concept that has eluded the smartest of minds over decades. It is a two-part concept that goes like this:
- If you want to go up, press the button with the Up arrow sign. It looks somewhat like this: 
- If you want to go down, press the button with the Down arrow sign. It looks somewhat like this: 

8. The Deliberate Pluralators
You cannot, I repeat, cannot have ONE patties. Patties is the plural for two words - patty and pattie. These are two completely different kinds of food.

Patty is the thing that goes inside a hamburger. In Mumbai a patty goes by the name of aloo tikki and it goes inside a vada paaw. It's basically the same thing as a beef patty, sans the taste. Below is an illustration.


However, when these people use the word 'patties' - somewhat obnoxiously - this is not what they have in mind. What they have in mind is this:


This is not 'a patties'. This is not a 'patty' either. This goes by the name of a PATTIE.

9. The Informative Callers II (for I, see part one here)
Oh, these people are a class apart. Suppose this person is called X. You have had a gazillion or so conversations with X, and X is perfectly aware that the CLI on your phone shows X's name. And yet, the moment you answer the call you hear that ubiquitous bright, lively voice: "Hey! It's X!"

It's definitely illuminating, X. Thank you for letting me know that you're not Mila Kunis.

10. Kirron Kher Fans
Kirron Kher cannot, cannot, cannot, cannot, cannot, cannot, cannot, cannot, cannot, cannot, cannot, cannot, cannot, cannot, cannot, cannot, cannot, cannot, cannot, cannot act.

She's not a shade on the majestic Farida Jalal or, as Diptakirti has pointed out, the first 'cool mom' of Bollywood - Reema Lagoo.

Bariwali did not work because of her. It worked despite her. She did not act there. Rita Koiral (or Koyral, or Kairal - does this sound similar to Genghis Khan's name?) did. And the National Award did not go to Rita. It went to Kirron.

It went to someone who cannot act.

Kirron Kher cannot act.

36 comments:

  1. also not at par with Surekha Sikri.

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  2. Nice list. FYI, as you used an even number (20) of "cannot"s, perhaps you seem to indicate that Kirron Kher, no matter how many "r"s she decides to add to her name, can, in fact, act? (Just decided to throw in as many commas as I could :).)

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    Replies
    1. There are commas. They add up, the cannots.

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  3. U missed Maine Pyar Kiya -Kabootar jajajah
    u misses "bokbokbokbok bokom bokom..."
    Almost all of them were entertaining ... Lift ta baje bt polo pizza wqs just too good
    btw ur evolved style is good as well but i feel it needs more Ovshakism infused in them

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, but what exactly is Ovshakism?

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    2. And you missed the Massakali Pigeon (I wasn't exactly able to differentiate between Sonam Kappor and the pigeon- But my guess is the pigeon was the one with the better moves)

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    3. Pigeons are okay as long as they do not go hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm from inside your air-conditioning machines.

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    4. Or as long as they don't build nests on your bathroom window sill and plaster it with baby pigeon poop for 1.5 months, and then return again a couple of months later to lay a new batch of eggs.

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    5. Gujju house-hold... Cooking eggs and birds not permitted. I could have smuggled them to my mom's if they weren't so noisy.

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    6. Aah, just take them to the nearest anda-paav-waala.

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  4. Who are those people who waste the pizza crust!! I love them. The elevator one is very true, some people mix it with video games and persistently press both of the buttons with eagerness, even when they are at the ground floor and the elevator is at the 15th, Morons! Great list :)

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    1. There are people like that, kid. Lots of them.

      The elevator thing drives me mad. Seriously.

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    2. Talking of elevators (actually I'm more comfortable calling them lifts) another enduring puzzle is why so many folks press the 'close lift' button as soon as they enter. In my experience this doesn't close the lift door even a nanosecond sooner.

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    3. Yes, that is strange act that eludes me: by the way, welcome to my blog, BadeMian-da.

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  5. Haven't you come across the word 'pattice'?

    And my daughter's a pluralator too! A pair of socks is 'socksies' for her, books are 'booksies'... Generally anything ending with the 'ks' sound get this special treatment... :D

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    Replies
    1. Pluralators are fine. They get back to English once they grow up.

      But what is a 'pattice'?

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    2. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ragda_pattice

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    3. http://samosapedia.com/e/pattice

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    4. So pattice isn't the same as patties. Hmm.

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    5. The first time I was served ragda 'pattice' they had managed to confuse me sufficiently. They put chanachur on the plate and asked me to wait. I stood there as perplexed as a pickpocket in a nudist colony.

      Then the rest of the ingredients appeared. And it wasn't very good, either.

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  6. Er beshir bhaag i ami agey theke jani. tumi bolecho.
    eta dekho:
    https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=582935185105544&set=a.220410031358063.57643.220408858024847&type=1&theater

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. :D :D :D

      Jani je tui janish. We've discussed quite a few of these at lengths.

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    2. And came to the conclusion how uncannily similar we are to each other. :)

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    3. Indeed. There are more points jotted down as well; I'm just waiting for the count to reach ten.

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  7. When Bengalis say "Patties", they usually mean something like this, a turnover -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jamaican_pattie which goes by both Jamaican Patty or Jamaican Pattie globally. We like to call it "Patties" as we are always hopeful about devouring the said thing in multitude.
    The "pattice" as in "Ragda Pattice" is a takeoff from likes of the beef patty that goes in a burger. That, though is not a flaky pastry filled with savory fillings which we Bongs love to gorge on, will soon be in the urban dictionary

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    Replies
    1. I know (see above)! But why the plural? Why the plural? Why patties and not pattie? :(

      Then, again, BongMom on my blog? It's an honour to have you here!

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  8. Arrey Dada, my office and house are on the 14th & 12th floors respectively, so you can imagine how much I can relate to your Elevator point :) Aapne dukhti rag pe haath rakh diya!! Just to add a few more pet hates of my own -

    People who take the elevator for just 1 floor!
    People who jam-in their arms/ legs just a nano-second before the doors close!!
    Related to above, people who jam-in their arms/ legs, get inside, say "Is this going up?? Oh sorry!", then re-jam and go out!!
    People who get in but don't let the doors close because they need to finish conversations/ bid final adiues to their friends!!
    People who hit the wrong floor, then nonchalantly look away when the elevator stops at that floor!!

    Cheers, waiting for more such write-ups....

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, thank you. Keep the tales coming.

      Delete


  9. 1.The belt gives you an incentive to lose weight.If not six packs,you can at least try and be fit as a fiddle.Your sex appeal does not lie in that paunch.
    2.Collect and put those soaplets in an old sock and use it to clean wash basin.
    3.you know,Wireless has killed sparrows.And now you're after pigeons who but have an average life of 10yrs.Leave them alone.
    4.Lying horizontal is your idea of a weekend? Why should i believe you? You don't post enough.
    5.I'd suggest you look at the well endowed woman wearing a captioned shirt,then pretend to look into your mobile phone and smile discreetly to yourself.Write-off that woman as needy.
    6.wasting food is crime.Pizza,more so.
    7.lift these imbeciles up by performing a panicky mime act,depicting the futility of their actions.They will rise enlightened.
    8.Is anyways the plural of anyway?
    9.This point is biased against demented and amnesiacs.They are with low self esteem who need validation by announcing themselves.You will involuntarily find yourself doing the same.
    10.Give her credit for playing a mom who had to marry off her hot son to Abhishek in a movie.Not easy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. 1. Paunches ooze animal magnetism.
      2. Never thought of that. Will try.
      3. It's THEY who do not leave me alone.
      4. That is why I lie horizontally.
      5. Thank you for the idea.
      6. I concur.
      7. Nice pun.
      8. 'anyways', I guess, is not a word.
      9. Never thought of it that way. Will keep in mind.
      10. Abhishek. Is. An. Excellent. Actor.

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  10. I really like Kirron Kher
    I don’t get informative callers because I always respond with ‘Hi XYZ’ when they call.
    I always go to a monginis and say ‘ekta pattice deben’. I have tried patty and got a ‘have you landed from mars’ look.
    I enjoy getting inside the elevator and pressing all the buttons just before getting off at my desired floor. (I do that when I am alone)
    Pizza, I agree cannot be wasted. But when I have eaten enough to not attempt that last piece, I do eat the toppings and leave the crust behind.
    T-shirts with one-liners are meant to be read.
    Woah, long pujo weekend – what are your plans?
    Humming pigeons always makes me go – my dil goes hmmmmmmmm mmmmm mmmm. I like humming pigeons
    Stopped using soap cakes; use body washes.
    I don’t wear belts; I don’t wear watches.

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    Replies
    1. You may have landed up from Mars, but Kirron Kher? Seriously?

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