Sunday, February 23, 2014

Flavours

This story is the part of a contest for the #ConditionSeriousHai contest arranged by Cadbury 5 Star.

*** *** ***

Hurry up, now!
Just a minute…
Fast... what are you turning the lights on for?
I need to read this.
What do you want to read now?
This.
What the — why are you reading the instruction manual inside a packet of condoms? How old are you?
What do you mean?
Is this your first time or something?
Of course not!
Then?
How can I use something without reading the instruction manual? It may be risky! I may be allergic to it!
How can someone be allergic to rubber?
See, this is a new brand...
What do you mean, new brand?
I mean, this is chocolate-flavoured...
What the hell! It’s me who should be more concerned!
Erm, but what if we kiss afterwards? You know I’m allergic to chocolate!
What if we don’t kiss?
What’s the point of doing it, then?
Well...
Well?
Okay, you do have a point. Didn’t we get a strawberry one too?
Yes. We did. I had finished the manual for that before.
And?
It contains castoreum.
What?
Castoreum. It is typically used for vanilla flavour and is sporadically used as strawberry or raspberry flavouring, but these people use it here as well.
So?
Do you know that castoreum is typically extracted from what is almost the anus of a beaver? Do you really want to taste that?
Er, maybe not.
See?
What do we do, then?
I told you to get the normal ones, remember? You were the ones who wanted to taste the flavours!
Come on, none of my exes were willing to put them on. And for some reason I thought you will be game!
I was game. You have agreed now that we shouldn’t do it.
Hey, we can use them normally, can’t we? I mean, I can well not taste them…
What if the flavour — or some of it — somehow makes its way through our skin membranes?
Oh, come on! You know how much we’ve waited for this! Can’t we go ahead without the thing? You can take it out at the last moment?
What if I cannot? What if I cough or sneeze at the last moment? The thrust will be inwards, isn’t it?
Arre, then let it be! Nothing will happen!
What do you mean by that?
This is my safe period. It has been just a couple of days.
Are you aware that going according to the safe period is one of the more unreliable methods of birth control?
What do you mean? I have done that before and nothing has happened!
Are you sure that it won’t happen this time? I’m not going to risk anything!
Dude, the risk is mine!
I just don’t want to get involved in trouble of any sort.
You were the one who wanted it tonight!
I agree. But with proper protection.
Fine. I will take contraceptives.
Are you carrying some?
No, but we can always get some tomorrow morning.
What if we forget?
We won’t. I won’t, I mean. Can we please get about it now?
Just a second…
WHO ARE YOU TEXTING NOW?
I’m not texting. Just looking up.
Looking up what?
The side-effects of contraceptives.
… and?
They involve dizziness, headaches, nausea, and…
… and?
A reduced libido.
Seriously?
That’s what it says. See?
You’re right! What do we do now?
Are no drugstores open here at this hour?
Are you mad? This is a penthouse, for God’s sake! The only medical store here is half a mile away and doesn’t open till eight!
Can’t we sleep now and wait till eight…?
Are you crazy? I have a conference at eight! I need to leave at five! I have set the alarm at four!
Seems unlikely, then.
Hey, you know something?
What?
You know we can try out other positions, don’t you?
What are you talking about? Do you know how our tongues and mouths will get contaminated? One or both of us may be down with some incurable disease for life!
Does that really happen?
I have looked it up. Do you want to verify?
No, not really. I will take your word on this.
Thank you.
Damn — only if we had got those ordinary condoms! I had wanted this night so badly!
Well, are you sure plain condoms are safe?
They aren’t?
See, about eleven years back a couple had sued a condom manufacturer on the ground that the condom had split during some furious activity, which had resulted in the woman being impregnated.
WHAT? You’re not serious, right?
Dead serious. Nothing is safe.
Why were we using them today, then?
I would not have thrust hard enough, trust me.
Not even during the point of no return?
Not even then. I typically wear two condoms at the same time specifically for that reason.
I guess we should get our clothes back on, then, hug each other, and sleep.
Not so fast! Do you know how you can strain, dislocate, or even fracture a hand if you have a full human being resting on it?
Goodness! I have never thought of that!
You need to think. You’re never serious!
What do we do now?
Sleep, I guess. Or maybe play ludo. Or whatever.
I should not have come here, after all.

*** *** ***

Hello?
Wow! You! Where were you? You never took my calls, never responded to me on email, Facebook, and suddenly after all these days…
Well, I’m in town now. Meet tonight?
Er, well, I’m married now.
Wow! That’s great news!
Can I bring them along?
Them? How many wives do you have?
Nope, just my children. A son and a daughter. Hey, why don’t you come up to our place? The kids have school tomorrow morning. My house is on…
Of course I will. Just text me the address. This number still works, as you can see.
Good, er… what about you? Did you get married?
Me? Oh, no, no! That night was a real eye-opener.
In what sense?
Well, I had that conference in the morning afterwards, remember?
Yes. So?
I quit immediately after that.
WHAT? And what did you do after that?
I took a sabbatical and eased myself down. You were right: I was not thinking hard. I took a break and sorted out a few things that had been going on inside my mind all these years but I had conveniently chosen to ignore.
What did you do after that?
I quit my job. Right now I’m on my own, freelancing.
That is excellent news! So what is it that do you do these days?
I am a motivational speaker. I have actually come here to deliver a few talks. They have also offered me to write a book.
A book? Wow! What are these talks about?
Platonic love.

30 comments:

  1. Thikthak.

    But I couldn't decide who's worse, the pink fonted girl or the blue fonted boy. Author's authority to confuse, I guess.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Interesting gender stereotypical colours!

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  3. Mr. Blue should write a book too- "How to achieve the impossible"!
    How *DID* he produce a son and a daughter???!!! :o

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Blue ki condition serious hai, boss... No woman will *EVER* sleep with him, forget about reproducing with him (offspring with 50% genes from Blue, no wayyyyyy :/ )

      Delete
  4. :D Khub bhalo!

    ...And you wrote the whole thing in pink and blue. :D :D :D :D

    ReplyDelete
  5. The story died on me too :(
    Some are pre-lapsarian naives.
    Enlighten us please.

    Snigdha

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  6. Blue guy? I echo Mlvk. Well written though. Enjoyed:)

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  7. I laughed real hard on the coughing sneezing part ! :D

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  8. Oh Abhishek da... :P
    Very amusing way of writing a story...I love dialogue based stories. ^_^

    Good luck with the contest :D

    ReplyDelete

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