Friday, August 2, 2013

Trois cent un

I just wanted to make my 300th blog post a quiet affair. You know the kind. A mug of steaming black coffee and an unopened packet of McVitie's Fruit Shortcake - something that I have developed a fresh addiction to.

Let me first get into McVitie's Fruit Shortcake first, which is probably the greatest invention in the history of mankind since Saridon (I know there are strong competitors like the internet, but I guess McVitie's Fruit Shortcake will probably have the edge).

One of the reasons that I love the thing so much is the fact that it goes superbly with black coffee. A nibble of this and a sip of that - I mean, it's probably the supreme example of food porn in the history of the universe: wine and cheeses simply don't stand a chance.

Shamelessly nicked from some website; found on Google Images
Look at the thing. The purple package (do note that colour names as simple as the word 'purple' are only used by men; for women its possibly quasi-magenta-tri-chrome-semi-fuchsia-purplish mauve or something equivalent; maybe even something like L'Oreal WB03B-9943). The coy, puckered co-existence of wheat and fruits - I mean - it melts in your mouth so seamlessly that you often feel a terrible urge to make love to it.

Unfortunately, one of the problems of life it's quite difficult to sleep on bed-sheets with cookie crumbles on it. With the piping hot coffee also ruled out as a coital option the best you can do is to feel the tastes play with your taste buds for an extended period of time.

Okay, so where was I? I was probably talking about making my 300th post a soft, silent incident. Then I saw Gerard Butler screaming in front of my eyes, almost making me change my trousers.

Screaming people are always scary. More so if they're bearded. Even more if they're kings. From Sparta. And they're armed.
Nicked from Google Images followed by some MS Paint efforts
See what I mean? Look at the heap of corpses behind him. Look at the battered robe, dupatta and all, smeared with blood. Look at the gleaming teeth. Look at the scar across the left eye. Look at the sword-like thing in his hand.

The sword was probably a creation of a man who did not have a clear idea of what a rhombus looked like. This was a common problem for those who purchased Euclid's books second-handed in ancient Greece: the picture quality was terrible.

Just look at what he had done to the man close to the top right corner in the picture (zooming may help): the hapless creature was brutally murdered while swimming free-style on land. If he can do that to an aspiring land-swimmer just think of what he can do to a harmless, innocent blogger like me.

But this is not the place to discuss macabre ruthlessness. This is supposed to be a post to celebrate an achievement - something bloggers all over the world have craved for since the birth of the internet, which, as I have mentioned before, is one of the also-rans in the fight for the second-spot in the list of inventions since Saridon.

Which leads us to the most important creation of mankind, which is also the zeroth wonder of the world and is going to be the topic of this blog post: Saridon.

Let me first put up a quick display of the packaging. It isn't one of those fancy tin-foiled things where you have to put in an effort to tear. Neither is it one of those obnoxious entities where you need to hold on to the pack and push a single tablet with your thumb so that it pops, no.

The first cool thing about Saridon is its packaging: it's soft, which means that it's easy to tear. If you're suffering from a mild headache you can easily snap it in two, have half, and save the rest for future. It's that easy.
Nicked from some website: have you ever seen a packaging this cool?
On the other hand if you're suffering from a strong one you need to give it the full throttle. A strong headache always seems to get the better of you, right? But with Saridon on your side you can show the headache who the boss is.

Do note that the Saridon manufacturers realise that the users may not need the full dose of the magical cure every time. Hence they have been smart enough to put a dividing line that divides the circular cross-section into halves. Basically, if you have small fingers you can easily snap it into two; if you have large fingers you're probably a large person, which means that you've got a significant headache. See how intelligent they are?

The wonder of science
Also, Saridon comes in packs of ten. Ten. A cute, round number, assorted in rows of five and columns of two. Just think. Could anything have been so neatly assorted? Do note that both two and five are prime numbers, which makes it way cooler than those 2 x 4 or 3 x 10 or whatever assortments most of the other tablets can offer.

So how does this King of Drugs work? Let us have a look. A 450 mg Saridon tablet consists of 135 mg of propyphenazone, 260 mg of paracetamol, and 55 mg of caffeine.

Let us consider them one by one. Propyphenazone is one of the coolest chemicals ever. For centuries the benzenes and aldehydes have drooled over propyphenazone, and had kept their doors open at night in anticpation. Sigh. Here is what they look like:

OCD: One cool dude
Take a look at the image. Have you ever seen a chemical that looks more similar to a human being? There is a reason that it has played a role this crucial in the progress of mankind.

In Sri Lanka (and in other countries where they prefer longer names) propyphenazone typically goes by the rather formal name 1,5-Dimethyl-2-phenyl-4-propan-2-yl-pyrazol-3-one. Mind you, it is still shorter than Warnakulasooriya Patebendige Ushantha Joseph Chaminda Vaas, but to its credit the chemical has an alphanumeric name.

So what does this dude do? Paracetamol is an analgesic (it's not what you think: there's that spoilsport gesic at the end), which, in a layman's terms, is a pain-killer. Propyphenazone is, well, a pain-killer as well.

So why not go for a 100% paracetamol composition? Here's the catch: propyphenazone hits your pain immediately; once it's subdued paracetamol keeps it tied to the wall, fastens its hands behind its back, puts a noose around its neck, and forces it to watch Prem Aggan until it surrenders.

Why the caffeine, then? Ah, there lies the beauty of the intelligent mind! Caffeine plays a dual role. The first one is quite simple: pain-killers generally make you slightly weak and drowsy; caffeine keeps you alert, awake, live, kicking, all guns blazing.

The other lesser-known advantage of adding caffeine into the pool is that it helps enhance the potency of analgesics by a significant amount. In other words, whatever the propyphenazone-paracetamol combination usually does is improved when caffeine is thrown into the pool. This is how the various combinations work:

Click for a better view
Isn't that cool? As a result of this three-pronged attack the other measures for headache don't stand a chance in front of Saridon. Let us have a look:

Click to enlarge: you'll get the difference
It takes Saridon fifteen minutes to work. Fifteen. What's more, it passes that ultimate benchmark, that Holy Grail for any drug — The Gerard Butler Test.

So, in fifteen minutes the Gerard Butler you see above will be magically transformed to this post-Saridon creature:
Nicked from Google Images
Whereas if you have only a paracetamol or an ibuprofen you'll be left with this Gerard Butler after fifteen minutes:
Nicked from Google Images
This is not a bad Gerard Butler, but is nowhere close to the Saridon Gerard Butler. As is evident, Saridon ranks the highest among all its competitors in the renowned Gerard Butler Fifteen Minutes test. Do note that though he has stopped yelling he has still not withdrawn his sword completely.

On the other hand the post-Saridon Gerard Butler's expression is entirely different. He has discarded his robe and dupatta, has cleaned himself up, has got dressed in a suit and a tie, and is actually laughing at a joke (which probably involves phrases like 'paradigm shift' and 'dynamic environment'.

And even that is not all: within a few minutes he is in the mood of cuddling a woman in bed under an L-shaped sheet that reaches up to his waist and up to the woman's armpits. Do note that the lady is not as willing as Gerard Butler is, and is seriously protective about her bangles.
Nicked from Google Images
This is what Saridon is all about. You decide on what you want to do: would you prefer to wage wars or shouts and get drenched in blood, going around butchering wannabe land-swimmers? Or would you rather prefer a life full of jokes, laughter, and sex with women who keep their bangles on? It's entirely up to you.

It's about choosing love over violence, peace over war, laughter over gore. It's your choice. Think hard. Ponder deep. Choose well.

Amen.

***

PS: Since this is a landmark post I had obviously wanted to include Fardeen Khan, the greatest personality to have embraced the silver screen. However, an ode to Saridon requires something a Gerard Butler Test. A Fardeen Khan Test, however, lucrative, would not have been an appropriate measure. Do look at the illustration below for further clarity:

A lot of pictures nicked from Google Images and assembled on MS Paint

78 comments:

  1. The first comment on your 300th post!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you. I'm sorry,but there's no Apple Product or Amazon gift voucher waiting for you. That will come when the publishers take note of me.

      Delete
    2. If not i-pad or pod at least free mcvities and a long leaf of seradon?

      Delete
    3. Saridon does not come in a long leaf (I loved the literal translation).

      Provide me with your postal address and they will get shipped for free.

      Delete
  2. Also I believe the bangles are on butler's wrist in the picture. Not the woman's. The woman has two separated hands underneath the man's one hand. That is how spooning works.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Not equipped with a PhD in spooning, what I can only say that Saridon makes you perform even more pleasurable activities.

      Proves my point, isn't it?

      Delete
    2. I can think of more pleasurable activities than spooning. Which drug induces those? :D

      Delete
    3. Saridon. Saridon induces everything. It even does your dishes and keeps your clothes clean.

      Delete
  3. Congrats!! And I had my 77th Yesterday! So not far behind!! :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you. Yes, these days you write more frequently than I do. I guess you'll catch up with me in another decade or so.

      Delete
    2. Ohhh yes!! And then We will fight with Durjay and Ravendar with our own books!!

      Delete
    3. Oh yes. That we're definitely going to do!

      Delete
  4. I did an initial double-take at the picture of the saridon packaging, before realizing that it was saridon AND safe.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Embodying the various facets indeed - Fardeen Khan, movies, H2G2-type humour (Euclid 2nd hand was a hoot!), and a takeaway message. I will never be able to forget Saridon after reading this!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you. You keep on comparing me to my idol, which is always a great honour for me.

      Delete
  6. Congrats on your tinshotomo!

    In the beginning the whole concept of the American and English cookie/ biscuit got me confused yet another time. American biscuit more like a savory scone. Plus English biscuit is an American cookie. Urgh. We'll discuss this some other time.

    The package left me somewhat nostalgic. I happened to live in Delhi once, and when my son was still a baby, I had to be awake all night in order to feed him. And I used to have this hunger pangs. And I chanced upon this cute purple package one day at the departmental store named The Departmental Store. You won't find it in Google map, because there's no such store. But then, what the heck? You already found your source of Mcvitie's. "I got addicted to this"- would be an understatement. Soon, I finished a whole pack/ night. And then, two, and then many more. I lost count. And then the inevitable happened. My weight, of course. Kept gaining weight like there's no tomorrow. Still I couldn't give up. I just couldn't. Until that day (at the end of time following armageddon when god decided the fates of all individual humans according to the good and evil of their earthly lives) when all hell broke loose and that very departmental store, whose name wasn't The Departmental Store actually, stopped importing what they were born to do.

    This is all what I wanted to say. And I'm done. I didn't even read the rest of your blog post. I hope it's as entertaining as the other ones. Congratulate again. Have a good night's sleep. See you tomorrow. In case you want my home brewed Caffè Americano, I live two blocks away.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes! Finally someone else in love with that purple package!

      I would love that. Do drop me an email at you-know-where. Coffee peene ke liye hum kahin bhi pahonch sakte hain.

      Delete
    2. 'Congratulate again'? What was I thinking?
      Anyway. Did you really buy that? 'Two blocks away' thing?

      Delete
    3. Of course I did! I can go lengths for home-brewed Americano!

      Delete
    4. I'll remember that. ;)

      Delete
    5. Yes, do, by any means. I prefer a tall espresso, actually.

      Delete
    6. Tall, and not a grande. Okay. Noted.

      Delete
  7. There is one pleasant thing that saridon reminds me of, well two: the "sirf ek saridon aur sardard se araam" jingle and Vidhu Vinod Chopra's "Parineeta".

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anything about Saridon is pleasant. Absolutely everything.

      Delete
  8. Congrats at 300!. I open your blog everyday in the morning before I open outlook. The days without a new post go not so well and now I have a remedy - Saridon.

    I have also realised that opening your posts in the morning are dangerous, laughing loud at 9 am is not conducive to office discipline. Will be changing to evening read.... with coffee and cake.... (not sure if McVitie's shortcake is available in Kuala lumpur)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. But thank you for the good words! I'm sure it's available in Kuala Lumpur!

      Delete
  9. now people here are wondering why i am laughing hysterically while sitting on a commode.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Making his way to another man's commode is, I guess, the greatest accomplishment for a blogger.

      PS: Have Saridon instead of whatever you do. It works like magic. Trust me.

      Delete
  10. congratulations on 300. and gerard butler. so much on saridon is a proof that you had a blinding headache at quarter to three in the morning, listening to Gobhir Joler Fish.

    Thanks for information on the McVitie's cookies. haven't tried them yet.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, but do try them!

      Thank you (for both the wishes and the recommendation).

      Delete
  11. The Gerard Butler test is definitely a breakthrough. As much as saridon was :) The shortcake tip will also come in handy since my nutella disorder needs some kind of reining in. Which means replacing. But I definitely feel a bit cheated by that little postscript-nothing. The 300th should have been entirely about Fardeen Khan.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nutella is not a disorder. It was created to restore order to the world.

      I agree that I had not given Fardeen the footage he deserved, given that this is a landmark post. I feel somewhat guilty since I had driven him to Dubai.

      He will be back soon. Keep an eye on this space.

      Delete
  12. Khali pete Saridon khele bod-hojom hoi. Jotoshob baje bhat.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Khali pete Saridon khele mokkholabh hoy. Jotoshob opoprochar.

      Delete
    2. Amar ta tried and tested. Tomar kache proman ache mokkholaabher? Even Fardeen Khan o mokkholaabh paini khali pete Saridon kheye ar tumi to nogonno. Phoo.

      Delete
    3. Achhe. Amar kichhu hoyni.

      Ar Saridon-er moto effective kono kichhu hoyna.

      Delete
  13. Ei dekho wiki ki likheche (buro angul ta besh anondei dekhalam ebare):

    "Adverse effects were noted in 3% of the Saridon patients, the most common being gastrointestinal disorders, such as diarrhea"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's fine, then, at 5% level of significance.

      Delete
    2. Ta bolte paro. And yes, matha dhora sharate ota ek nombor. Btw, very well written, once again.

      Delete
    3. Thank you, once again, both from me and Saridon.

      Delete
  14. 300 already! It was only yesterday your blog had its first post.
    And viagra pips saridon anyday.You'll see rainbows,and maybe a unicorn ;-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Suit yourself. I have often felt the need to have a Saridon, but as for Viagra, I have never really required one.

      Delete
  15. Congrats!
    Your blog is older than you.
    It is the granddaddy of all blogs asawel.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for the nice words, but how is it older?

      Delete
  16. Congratulations.
    I almost had the taste of biscuits before it was replaced by Saridon.You could have ended on a sweet note as well.
    I am not a fan of medicines but prefer Disprin.

    Dhari

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you. The biscuits are incredible, but Saridon is more so. Disprin works, but Saridon works way faster.

      And I did end with Fardeen. :)

      Delete
  17. khuuuuuuuub bhalo
    onekdin por onek purono priyo Abhishekda k firey pelam
    ajkal boddo refined hoye jachhilo ... tao amar priyo
    bt ei raw ekdom ghanir direct maal ta miss korchilam sotti
    choroiboti abhishekda choroiboti

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you. Amaro taii mot re. Ami eta likhte khub, khub enjoy korechhi, onekdin por.

      Delete
  18. Congrats on your 300th post. Love.

    ReplyDelete
  19. SARIDON!!!!! really!!!But a brilliant post after a long time.I agree completely,onek din por.Bhalo laaglo.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you. Even I had enjoyed writing after a long time.

      And what is wrong with Saridon?

      Delete
  20. What is the cost of one packet of Mcvities and how many grams it actually is?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. 150 grams, 50 rupees (there was a buy-two-get-one offer recently).

      For more details check http://www.healthyworld.in/McVities-Fruit-Bakes-p/mv03.htm

      Delete
  21. Actually trod across your blog from another one!

    Thought that this will be an interesing post and kept reading; Upon Completion, I cannot stop appreciating the patience with which you have put this up.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, and welcome to my blog! I just hope you keep visiting more frequently!

      Delete
  22. You praised the biscuit to the skies by telling us it was orgasmic.
    That my life isn't anything without having tasted it.I got it upon your recommendation and it ..wait for it...tasted it like sugar sprinkled cardboard.You have good taste in literature but spare the foods plz.
    The packet is non-refundable and i'll be saving the biscuits for the pujo now.This was a rant.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Are you sure you got the fruit thing? Anyway, to each his own.

      But why Pujo?

      Delete
  23. Tried Saridon yesterday. did not work. I must be having a contrarian head.

    ReplyDelete
  24. 'ello.Can you tell me what 'ghyam' and 'baje bhat' means?
    Yes,non-bong here.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ghyam is a convex combination of 'outstanding' and 'too cool'.

      Baje bhat is a convex combination of 'gibberish' and 'utter trash'.

      Delete
  25. Ekhane ekta comment na kore pallam-na! Coming from someone who suffers from one "marra-tyok matha-betha" a month, Saridon doesn't even come close to alleviating the pain. Diclowin Plus is the only succour. Even after living in the US for close to 7 years, I have my supply of this magical drug (banned in the US) duly flowing. Each oral Diclowin Plus tablet is composed of 500mg of Acetaminophen and 50mg of Diclofenac Sodium. For me, it is the latter ingredient that is god-given: to temporarily relieve pain and sensitivity of the eye to light.

    But to each, his own! And congratulations on the milestone.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you. Please comment more!

      Where is this divine medicine available? I really need access to it. I don't really think very highly of this "banned in USA" thing. Most good things in life are banned in one country or the other.

      Delete
    2. As far as I know, Diclowin Plus is available OTC in any and all drugstores in Kolkata.

      Delete
    3. Thank you. Will certainly give it a try if Saridon does not work for me.

      Delete
  26. Replies
    1. How come I get asked a "What for?", and Krishnendu Mukhopadhyaya (up there ↑) gets an 'Indeed'? Is it because his smiley has a nose, and mine doesn't?

      Delete
    2. Obviously. Noses matter, as does the facts that KM used to be my Professor during my MStat years.

      Delete
    3. And the golden rule is to never question a professor "What for?" :<) (There! I added a nose. An upturned one.)

      Delete
    4. Good. I will now try to visualise you with that nose.

      Delete

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