Tuesday, October 22, 2013

And then, they were born

It had all started with Bhishma.

Devavrata's father Shantanu (read: lustful old pervert) had wanted to marry a woman roughly the age of his son. This was no ordinary woman: Satyavati was born of King Vasu and the apsara (not the pencil) Adrika (also known as Girika) who, for some reason, was disguised as a fish during the intercourse (well, an alternate version is so absurd that it deserves a post in itself: we will get into that later).

As a result Satyavati ended up smelling like a fish (she was also brought up among fishermen); despite that she was seduced by Parashar (the first of the many rishis in this saga):

Parashar: I want to sleep with you.
Satyavati: Huh?
Parashar: See, if you sleep with me you'll get the most awesome son.
Satyavati: Dude, get your things sorted out. I don't want a son. I want men, which is anyway difficult with this body odour.
Parashar: I will bring the son up.
Satyavati: What about my virginity?
Parashar: What about it?
Satyavati: Look, I need some fun, but I need my virginity intact as well.
Parashar: Fine. I will re-virginise you.
Satyavati: Sounds good. What do I get in return?
Parashar: I'll get rid of your body odour. You will be blessed with a fragrance that will attract any man.
Satyavati: Suits me. I'll give you my complete package.

So they made out and Satyavati gave birth to a child called Vyas. Vyas departed with Parashar and ended up writing Mahabharat himself (or rather, dictating it to Ganesh). I know there is a loophole somewhere in this but cannot get what it is.

Shantanu probably had a thing for fish; his first wife was Ganga, and now he became enchanted Satyavati's piscine aroma. He - you have to believe this - decided to ask his son for help.

We all know what followed. Bhishma vowed that he would never marry or rule a kingdom (read: he wanted to collect a cohort of concubines and run the kingdom from the background). As a result Shantanu ended up blessing his son that he could choose his hour of death.

This is something that has always baffled me: Can anyone bless anybody to be anything? I mean, if I had blessed Fardeen Khan that he would rule Bollywood for the next 75 years, would he really have been able to do so? Shouldn't there be a minimum cut-off level for being eligible for granting a boon?

The other blessing was easier to understand but difficult to explain: Devavrata was renamed to Bhishma. Exactly what purpose this served in Bhishma's life is unclear, but he accepted the name anyway.

So Bhishma became the ultimate dude of the book. He was invincible at war (yes, he was officially invincible); add his father's blessings to that, and you will find someone who cannot be beaten and can choose his own death. With a new name.

***

Satyavati and Shantanu ended up having two sons - Chitrangad (no 'a' at the end; the word means 'a decorated armlet') and Vichitravirya ('strange semen'). Someone in Hastinapur must have been very imaginative with names.

Chitrangad was the obvious contender to the throne (which was run, as you must have guessed by now, by Bhishma). However, he went out hunting one day, and met a namesake yaksha. The creature turned out to be rather over-possessive about his name.

What followed was history. The yaksha challenged his namesake to a duel on the extremely sound logic that two people with the same name do not have the right to co-exist in this world (thank goodness I was born in a different era).

The battle that followed has gone down in history as the Battle of the Chitrangads. One of the Chitrangads emerged victorious, and since he did not return to Hastinapur, one can only assume that it was the prince who had fallen.

The baton now passed on to Vichitravirya. Satyavati now sent Bhishma to Kashi to capture all three princesses from the swyamvar for Vichitravirya's sake. This probably made Satyavati the greatest mother in the history of mankind.

These princesses had names that followed the add-two-letters formula: Amba, Ambika (Amba + Ik), and Ambalika (Ambika + al). The general idea was to ensure that anyone who married these women would have the word Amba in the names of their wives.

As we all know, Amba backed out, and following a rather convoluted stretch of events (which involved my hero Parashuram) died, vowing to come back with a mission to kill Bhishma. But that is another story. I promise to write on that at some point of time.

Vichitravirya was shattered at the prospect of a foursome being reduced to a ménage à trois, but he still managed to live with it. Given the fact that he was called Vichitravirya, he died overdoing things a bit (yes, really) before he could father a son.

***

That left Hastinapur with two horny heterosexual women and without a heir. Of course, they had Bhishma, the most eligible bachelor in the country, but ruling a kingdom would have meant that he would have to give up his name of Bhishma and go back to Devavrata, and he would certainly want to give up his well-practised autograph.

Then, one night, Satyavati called Bhishma to her room. I'm not sure whether this is a night, but important conversations typically happen at night. You can even think of a thunderstorm or hailstorm or Himesh Reshammiya's voice or anything as a backdrop for that matter.

Satyavati: Sit.
Bhishma: No. Bhishma never sits.
Satyavati: Don't be stupid.
Bhishma: You should not talk to me like that. Nobody talks to Bhishma like that.
Satyavati: Listen, this is a serious matter. So please sit down and stop referring to yourself in the third person.
Bhishma: Well, what is it?
Satyavati: We need an heir for this kingdom.
Bhishma: So what do you expect me to do? Abduct a husband for you?
Satyavati: Listen, I have something to tell you. I have a son.
Bhishma: You have made two mistakes there - in the tense and in the arithmetic -
Satyavati: No, I had three sons. One of them, the eldest, is still alive.
Bhishma: What exactly are you talking about?
Satyavati: Er, well, I do not have a very pious past...
Bhishma: Which is why I wanted you to marry my father. You made an excellent couple.
Satyavati: This is really not the time for sarcasm.
Bhishma: Fine, what is it that you want?
Satyavati: I want this son of mine to impregnate Ambika and Ambalika.
Bhishma: I see what you mean. 
Satyavati: Do you think I should summon him?
Bhishma: Yes, I guess it's about time. I'm tired of their lewd gestures at me. They have even started calling me Debu.

***

So Satyavati's son arrived, and approached Ambika's room that night.

Ambika was scared. She closed her eyes. Before the action (possibly).

Ambalika was scared. She went pale. Before the action (possibly).

Not willing to take any risk Satyavati wanted to send Ambika again. But the cunning woman sent in a maid, who was happy with what she saw, and slept with Satyavati's son willingly.

So, what was it that intimidated two women and pleased a third? Let me give you a hint: the son was called Vyas, which is Sanskrit for diameter.

A few months later Hastinapur celebrated the birth of three sons: the blind Dhritarashtra, the pale and sickly Pandu, and the super-smart Vidur.

***

Dhri was born blind, which meant that Hastinapur turned a blind eye to his claim to the kingdom. Pandu was made king. This led to the Hastinapur teenagers chanting couplets where the first line almost invariably ended with Pandu.

Dhri worked his way around the system. He soon got to know that the mantle would pass on to the elder son of the next generation, so his son stood a chance as long as he was able to outdo Pandu at it. So he decided to get married.

Bhishma was sent to Gandhar (modern Kandahar). This was the third generation whose wedding Bhishma was supposed to arrange. Gandhar was probably sure of the blind love the groom would be possessed with, and set out for Hastinapur as Dhri kept himself busy with reading Braille porn.

Gandhari's parents were obviously not very imaginative with girl names. What was completely unexpected was the fact that Gandhari turned out to rather moronic as well. For some reason she thought that the best way to keep her marriage running smoothly was to blindfold herself.

General question: If Dhri was a cripple, what would Gandhari have done? Get a leg amputated? Hop on one leg for the rest of her life?

Pandu was not sitting silently, either. He was married to the reserved Kunti (who was, rather unpredictably, from a kingdom called Kunti, and then a Punjabi pataka called Madri to double the probability. Threesomes, you see, ran in his genes.

Personally, I believe that the kingdom was somewhat partial towards Pandu as well. They probably did not take the number of wives into consideration but probably took into account the sum of the distances required to travel to obtain a wife. The following illustration might tell a thing or two.

 Based on an excellent map of ancient North-West India that I have nicked shamelessly from the internet
***

Despite the fact that everyone is aware of it let me go through Kunti's pre-marital life once. Everyone loves gossip, which, I guess, should improve this blog's hit-rate.

When the notorious Durvasa landed up at Kunti (the kingdom) the king (who was called Kuntibhoj, which literally translates to 'one who eats Kunti'; don't ask me why) got petrified. Cursing random people at the slightest possible lapses was, after all, Durvasa's USP.

Kunti (who was actually Kuntibhoj's adopted daughter), through her six-sigma diligence that lasted over months, could manage to achieve that rare achievement: make Durvasa happy (not in the way you think); Durvasa granted her a boon that she would be able to summon any God whenever she wanted.

As soon as Durvasa left Kunti rushed to her room. She peeked outside the window and gestured at Surya, and he was there. I have no idea what happened to the sky for those few minutes.

Surya: You called me?
Kunti: Yes, Sir. I was granted a boon that I wanted to test.
Surya: What do you think I am? A freaking guinea-pig?
Kunti: No, Sir. I respect you very much and I think you're really hot and those yellow rays totally rock. Those eclipses are quite neat, too.
Surya: See, I don't come cheap. You need to pay me for the lost time.
Kunti: I don't have any money.
Surya: Sleep with me.
Kunti: Fine.

So they made out. Kunti met her parents after a couple of months.

Kunti: Hey, guys. I've got news for you.
Kuntibhoj: Yes, my dear?
Kunti: I'm pregnant.
Kunti's mother whose name I do not know: That's a joke, right?
Kunti: With you? Can you even spell humour?
Kunti's mother whose name I do not know: This is why I tell you not to let her out at night.
Kunti: Hey, this happened in broad daylight.
Kuntibhoj: So, who is the father?
Kunti: Surya.
Kuntibhoj: You mean the guy who makes bulbs and tubelights?
Kunti: Nope, the real one. The big yellow one. The star.
Kuntibhoj: That's cool.
Kunti: That's hot, you mean.
Kunti's mother whose name I do not know: This is not a time for puns!
Kunti: So what do I do now?
Kunti's mother whose name I do not know: There's no MMS, right?
Kunti: Nope, I made sure of that.
Kunti's mother whose name I do not know: Good. So have the baby and dispose off it; then get back into shape and we'll get you married off.

So Karna was born.

***

Then something strange happened. A rishi called Kindam (alternatively called Kindam or Kimindam) had decided to copulate with his wife. This may not seem strange, but the couple - perhaps known for their fertile imagination and inclination of roleplaying - decided to make out in the forest disguised as deer.

Not the greatest fan of deer porn, Pandu shot both the animals with a single arrow, only to discover that they were humans. Kindam then cursed Pandu (what was his fault?) that the Hastinapur King would die the moment he would try to have an intercourse with a woman.

Question: Was Pandu really at fault? I mean, he shot the deer, did not get to eat them, and then got cursed because they turned out to be kinky saints making out? Is that fair?

Kindam then died along with his wife. Owing to the fact that he died of unsafe sex, the word condom might have been named after him. I'm not sure, though.

Pandu, for whatever reason, left the palace to stay in the forest along with both queens.

***

Dhri, obviously, did not waste any time. In those dark days he felt for his wife a lot, and found his way through alleyways hitherto unknown to him. After a few attempts news came out that Gandhari was, indeed, pregnant.

Hell had, however, already broken loose elsewhere. Given that Pandu was now officially unable to produce a son an alternative needed to be found. Pandu had a conversation with his wives.

Pandu: Babes, you realise the need of the hour, right?
Madri: No.
Kunti: Yes.
Madri: Ignore her. She doesn't know what she is talking about.
Kunti: Aryaputra, I think you're talking about heirs to the kingdom; your sons.
Pandu: Yes. But given the current situation there is not much we can do, right?
Madri: No. And I'm hungry. It has been ages since I've eaten. Can I leave?
Pandu: See, the only way out of this is niyog. I am not my father's son, which means that my sons should also not be mine. Does this make sense?
Kunti: No, but I get the general drift.
Madri: Yes. Can I leave?
Kunti: What is it that you ask of us?
Madri: I have found a new recipe today. Do you want to try it?
Pandu: Well, if the two of you oblige...
Madri: Nobody wants to listen to my recipe. Hmph.
Pandu: ... you can sleep with one of those rishis.
Madri: Can't you think of someone better? What if they are actually deer in disguise? Or does it only work the other way round? Hang on, can't we summon Vyas-Sir?
Pandu: Do you have any idea what the family tree would look like if it's him?
Kunti: I know exactly what you mean, Aryaputra.
Madri: What's Aryaputra?
Pandu: ... and?
Kunti: See, I have once pleased Rishi Durvasa...

Pandu raised an eyebrow.

Kunti: Oh no, it's not what you think. I had cooked for him and looked after him when he had visited my father.
Madri: The next thing will be her recipes. And nobody wants to listen to mine. Hmph.
Kunti: Madri, this is serious stuff. So Durvasa gave me a boon: I am eligible to call any God at any point of time.
Pandu: So you think you actually want to do it with the Gods?
Kunti: Isn't that a better option? Gods are, well, Gods.
Madri: What are Gods like? Have you met one?
Kunti (blushing): Nope, haven't tried out this boon. Does this sound good to you, Aryaputra?
Pandu: It does. I guess you should summon Dharma.
Kunti: Why him?
Pandu: He sounds impressive. Look at it this way - if you get sons out of him we can call them Dharma Productions, which sounds quite profound. Something tells me future organisations will be named after him.
Madri: What about me?

So Kunti was duly impregnated after a few days. Nobody bothered about Madri, so she left for Madrid. Okay, I made up the last bit.

***

Things were happening in Hastinapur as well. Gandhari had not managed to deliver despite the fact her pregnancy days were over; she grew impatient. Her belly kept on expanding, and Dhri soon started finding logistic issues. He could handle his blindness, but flexibility was certainly not his forte.

There was also the perpetual issue of Gandhari's smelly blindfold: she had vowed not to remove it; as a result the blindfold had never been washed; Dhri had tried to convince her, but Gandhari somehow remained quite strong on this.

He sought out pleasures elsewhere: he cornered random maids in the palace (my guess would be on his using his ears and nose to seek them out, but I would not rule out him using his other parts of his anatomy as well).

Then, one day, Gandhari could not take it anymore; she called for a maid and asked her to smash Gandhari's belly with an iron rod. Being brought up a couple of oceans away from the United States the maid obviously did not have a baseball environment: she refused.

So Gandhari took up the rod and acted herself; she ended up releasing a humongous ball of flesh (no, it's not what you're thinking about). She was on the verge of destroying it when - all of a sudden - Vyas arrived out of nowhere.

Vyas: Don't do that, baby.
Gandhari: Listen, my husband wants a heir to the throne. I cannot give him a ball instead.
Vyas: Look, just keep the bloody thing submerged in cold water.
Gandhari: Right. That will surely be an improvement: a wet ball instead of a dry one.
Vyas: No, just do what I say. Once you do that it will split into a hundred small pieces.
Gandhari: How small?
Vyas: About this much.
Gandhari: That was insensitive.
Vyas: My bad. About the size of a thumb.
Gandhari: Whose thumb?
Vyas: Mine. Okay, fine. Your forefinger. Got it?
Gandhari: And what exactly am I supposed to do with these?
Vyas: There will be exactly a hundred pieces.
Gandhari: How do you know?
Vyas: I wrote this entire thing, woman. I know all this stuff.
Gandhari: Jeez. A hundred pieces from a ball. So what next?
Vyas: Just take these and put them in a hundred small earthen pots full of ghee. They'd, er, hatch. You'd get a hundred sons.
Gandhari: But I need a daughter. I want someone without hair on its limbs.
Vyas: Fine, 101 it is then. A hundred boys and a girl.
Gandhari: Why would that happen just because you've said?
Vyas: I'm the author, baby.

***

So the race began at various location. Bets were placed. Womb-shaped mementos were sold. There was even a contest where the participants were asked "WHO WOULD WIN? (A) DHARMA'S BALLS OR (B) GANDHARI'S BALL?" The answer was to be sent by pigeon.

Things got a bit tight towards the end but Kunti eventually beat Gandhari to it. She had a son called Yudhishthir. Watching Gandhari give up Kunti decided to rub it in further and summoned Pawan. That ended up in Kunti getting pregnant for a second time.

In fact, Gandhari's sons took a lot of time to happen. Things got so late that Kunti's second son Bheem was born on the same day as Gandhari's first son was hatched. The son was named Duryodhan.

Duryodhan arrived with a bang (no, it's not what you think). He brayed on his arrival, and the bray was responded by calls of foxes, vultures, and crows. Vidur called these ill omens and asked Dhri to discard his son. Dhri probably told him that an asshole didn't really have the right to comment on someone who shouted like an ass. That solved the issue.

A deluge followed thereafter: it took a month for the ball to produce a hundred more children - only one of which was a girl. Meanwhile, Dhri's encounters with the one of the Vaishya maids during Gandhari's pregnancy had earned him another son - whom he decided to call Yuyutsu. Given the name I strongly suspect the use of Japani Tel in the entire matter.

On a side note, as per the following chart Yuyutsu was a Mahishya. Also, if you have not realised, both Dhri and Pandu were Murdhabhishiktas.


***

Things were happening at Pandu's end as well. When Pandu had asked for another son Kunti ended up asking for Indra. The third son was called Arjun.

There is more to this, however. Though both Dharma and Pawan were Pandu's choices, Kunti had chosen Indra herself. This is officially the reason why only Arjun is generally referred to as Kaunteya (Kunti's son) or Partha (the son of Pritha, which, as you must have guessed, is another name of Kunti).

Lesson: If you're a woman your son will be named after you if and only if you get to choose the father of the son.

Pandu's fetish for sons was still not over. He wanted sons, more sons, more and more sons. He met Kunti yet again.

Pandu: Babe...
Kunti: Yes, Aryaputra?
Pandu: Er, can you have another go?
Kunti: But that's not possible, Aryaputra.
Pandu: Why exactly?
Kunti: Well, I cannot sleep with five men.
Pandu: Let me see - myself, Dharma, Pawan, Indra. Yup, you've slept with four.
Kunti (to herself): No, moron. Surya, Dharma, Pawan, and Indra. You never slept with me. You were too busy deer-hunting and fantasising that illiterate bitch.
Pandu: But what's the big deal? Sleep with one more.
Kunti: No, that's not doable.
Pandu: Why exactly?
Kunti: Er, if I sleep with four men I'm just a woman with loose morals. If I sleep with five that would make me a prostitute.
Pandu: Does that even make sense?
Kunti: Yup, that's what that Shwetaketu has mentioned.
Pandu: Who's that?
Kunti: Some prodigy. Hundreds of years ago they all mated randomly. But then it all got confusing when they had to write the father's names in the admit cards, so he started these definitions.
Pandu: Did you actually look up all this stuff?
Kunti: There's this rather cool thing called reading, you know. Something that the two of you are blissfully unaware of.
Pandu: So you mean to say, you can sleep with one of the others?
Kunti: Nope, this is an use-and-throw thing. You cannot recycle Gods to copulate.
Pandu: What happens to my voyeur fetish, then?
Kunti: You can ask Madri.
Pandu: But she cannot summon Gods.
Kunti: I will teach her. Just put up in display. As both of us know, anyone would go after that kudi with his tongue hanging.

[Time-out: So Kunti actually wanted Draupadi to be a prostitute. Now you know why Karna called her so immediately after the game of dice.]

And thus...

Pandu: Baby, I need you to sleep with a God.
Madri: That's not doable.
Pandu: Sure? I don't want to force you...
Madri: What God?
Pandu: Any God.
Madri: I have always wanted a doctor.
Pandu: Kunti here will teach you.
Madri: I don't trust her.
Kunti: Fine, I'm out of this.
Madri: Okay, when?
Pandu: Can I watch?

So Madri learnt how to summon Gods and cheated: she summoned the Ashwinikumars - twin brothers who were the doctors of the Gods. They did some quick stuff with her, and somehow, somehow, somehow, she had twins - one from each twin father.

These guys were called Nakul and Sahadev. Obviously, Madri, charged up by the threesome (did I mention about it being a fashion in the Kuru family?), wanted more fun. This was when Kunti put her foot down and refused point-blank.

You can have sex with another man even when in marriage, but not to two men simultaneously. Thus spake Kunti, adopted daughter of Kuntibhoj, sister of Vasudev, mother of Karna and the Pandavs.

***

Then, one day, Madri was walking about in the forest, draped in a wet, semi-transparent saree (the kind later copyrighted by Mandakini). Exactly why she did so is not mentioned anywhere, but Pandu finally gave in.

Obviously he died. You cannot survive a curse from a saint having fun disguised as a deer. That is out of the question.

Kunti: I cannot live anymore. My husband has passed away. You live, Madri; someone needs to take care of these five.
Madri: No didi, it has to be me. I was the one who had tempted him. Besides, I don't think I would make a really good mother. I've already seen Arjun check me out. You will make the better mother. I guess I'm just too hot for all this.
Kunti: Will it be teak or sandalwood?

Before he died, however, Pandu had asked his sons (who were possibly hanging around to watch him as soon as he started chasing Madri in that attire) to eat his flesh. None of them agreed, but while the bodies were being burnt Sahadev noticed a group of ant carrying a minuscule bit of flesh with them.

Sahadev ate the piece. Stealing from ants was what he was known for.

Immediately, he gained knowledge of the past, the present, of the future. He refused to tell anybody about this, though: the wise seldom speak.

***

Kunti left for Hastinapur with her sons once the funeral got over.

The Pandavs met the Kauravs. It was hatred at first sight.

That, however, is another story.

Meanwhile, whatever you do, whatever you think, whoever you fantasise, whenever you watch porn at work, always remember one thing: SAHADEV KNOWS.

303 comments:

  1. One of the best versions of MB I read :-) didn't know much about 'Sahadev knows it all' piece, so, educate. Few dialogues triumph, like 'can you imagine what happens to the family tree diagram', 'I am the author, baby', 'will it be teak or sandalwood' (do you think Kunti even offered?).. However, did Kunti actually tell Pandu about Surya? (I somehow believe this woman is responsible for most of the MB mishaps like none else!)

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    1. Thank you.

      As for Sahadev, he ate the piece the ants were taking away. Let me tell you what happened after that. Always the perfect son and brother, he ran away to tell Kunti and the brothers about it all - when he was stopped by a stranger.

      Stranger: Dude, I know what you've done.
      Sahadev: So what next?
      Stranger: You want to make most use of it?
      Sahadev: Yeah I guess.
      Stranger: Then don't tell anyone unless they ask you.
      Sahadev: Cool.

      And so Sahadev never told about this to anyone. Ever.

      PS: The stranger was Krishna. Go figure.

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    2. Jaa taa. I can say you just made up this last line :-)

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  2. u shud not make fun of mahabharat. u ve little knowlege dangerus thing. u banglus don't ve nething bettr to do than insult our gods n godesses? go back to pakistan man.

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    1. Which Gods and Goddesses did I insult? And why should I go to Pakistan? :O

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    2. Congrats!! Fanatics are behind you!! :D

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    3. Good effing grief. Fanatic morons have no sense of humor - quelle surprise. This also means, Abhishek, you've arrived!

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    4. Yes. Hate mail is something I have often dreamed of receiving.

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  3. daaaarun hoyeche... toooo good.. :)

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  4. Can't read aloud without stopping for laughs. Tell me why you are still a statistician?

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    Replies
    1. That is because writing does not pay me enough. :(

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  5. Welcome Back!! Awesome... Darun hoyechhe... "Owing to the fact that he died of unsafe sex, the word condom might have been named after him. I'm not sure, though." Eta jata!!

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  6. I know it's shameful, but I didn't know the whole story of Mahabharata. I only knew about the war of Kurukshetra, about Dhritarashtra and his hundred sons, about the Pandavas and about the 'Shakuni mama'! This is the coolest and trendiest way to read Mahabharata. Very long post for me but worth reading! Keep sharing :)

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    1. Thank you, but you should the Mahabharata, which is possibly the best book ever written.
      If you want to read it in Bangla try Rajsekhar Basu's book.
      If you want to read it in English try C Rajagopalachari's book. It's available here: http://tinyurl.com/lmqs2s5

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  7. Abhishek-da, as I have said many times: your best is reserved for pieces based on Mahabharata and other old tales.

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    1. I will remember that. Watch this space for more.

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  8. The mythology posts are back!!Thank you!

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    1. Thank you. You will have more of them, I promise.

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  9. I love this. Totally. Bhishon bhishon darun.
    Kichu typos achhe. thik korbe.
    *these princesses - ta ekhon mone porche. aro achhe khub choto choto.
    PS: I shall read it again and again. So freaking good.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you. Both for the praise and the typo.

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  10. WOW!
    That was extremely informative/educative, humourous, and brilliantly written.
    Again, you have to come out with your version of the Mahabharat.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Sorry, no, Kunti was named after her mother Kuntala. 'Kindam' as you call him was actually called Akinchan. I think you may have sacrificed research at the alter of wit

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Where did you get the Kuntala bit?

      Let me tell you what it was like. Kunti was born in the Yadav clan and was originally called Pritha. She was also the sister of Vasudev, father of Krishna.

      Now, Kuntibhoj of Kunti kingdom had decided to adopt her and changed her name to Kunti. This is a point where all online/offline versions of Mahabharat agree. And I am talking about 8-9 versions here.

      The same holds for the name of Kindam. I have found three variations, and I have mentioned all.

      Delete
    2. and vichitravirya doesn't mean what you claim it does. vichitra means outstanding, virya means masculinity. again, pervertedness before research.

      Delete
    3. That is the third comment you have made without a proof. See, I know what I am writing, seriously. Do not comment: disprove me with citations.

      Delete
  12. You should really consider writing a book.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Well, another question. Why the name "And then, they were born"? I thought this piece was a perfect prelude to how Kunti thereafter took over the entire story..

    As I said, with this pace of story-telling, you'd probably need another two such write-ups to cover the narration till the Pandavas reach Hell or Heaven.. and together, the trilogy can, well, make history! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Kunti deserves a separate article. She has existed almost throughout the epic. I really want to write the entire thing from her point of view.

      Delete
    2. Question remains. Why "And then, they were born"?

      Delete
    3. Because they were born. The 101 + 1 + 5 + 1 people.

      Delete
    4. Okay :-| I will sincerely await an “And then they lived” and a “Thereafter, they died” then. I will pass these on to my grandchildren in the name of Mahabharata. :D

      Delete
    5. I will get them for your daughter. :)

      Delete
  14. you shuld write more interesting posts, nobody is interested in all tis religious bullsh**

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, it seems that people are interested. Anyway, come up with an interesting topic.

      Delete
    2. Abhishek, given the brilliantly humorous manner in which you write, how is it that your writings are followed by so many humor-challenged arseholes?

      Delete
    3. I am absolutely clueless, but then, you should not want to see some of the profanities I receive in emails as comments. These are the ones I have approved.

      Delete
    4. Abhishek da, what a fantabulous write up!! and you are famous now...the humourless chaddis are after you!

      Delete
    5. Thank you, thank you. But who are you?

      Delete
  15. Given vyas' and shantanu's fascination for fish,i have no doubt they were bongs.
    It is because of kunti we had bundh of pandavas and not pandu havaldars.

    Please read my version of it :http://anakinturnsevil.blogspot.com/2007/11/mahabhrata-6-gandhari-kunti-and-madri.html

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey, you write quite well. I think you should also read Crystal Blur's blog. She has some excellent takes as well: http://aashraya.blogspot.in/

      Delete
    2. Another one in the Crystal Blur type Mahabharat series indeed :). These never get old!

      Delete
  16. Another brilliant one. Love the conversation parts :)

    ReplyDelete
  17. Ovshake back with a bang ! Loved it. Few typos though. Oshadharon! 'This is something that has always baffled me: Can anyone bless anybody be anything? I mean, if I had blessed Fardeen Khan that he would rule Bollywood for the next 75 years, would he really have been able to do so? Shouldn't there be a minimum cut-off level for being eligible for granting a boon?" takes the cakes patties and phuchkas too.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Trying to edit the typos as much as I can. Do keep emailing me about them. That's what zero proofreading does. :)

      Delete
  18. So,what is the moral of the story?

    ReplyDelete
  19. awshadharon!!! the fish, the condom, the teak or sandalwood, the interpretation of the names ... absolutely brilliant! i was giggling throughout. and see, you got the best compliment evah from someone - go back to pakistan, you banglu! (kinda rhymes with paglu. i think that's somehow significant.)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Banglu is also a first for me. But thank you!

      Delete
  20. Excellent article. Really enjoyed it.

    I think many of the names in MB were functional descriptions of the persons. Yudhisthir had a col head during a fight. Bheema was the scary one. Duryodhana did not follow the rules of engagement. Duhshashan was unruly. Vichitravirya probably had a low sperm count and could not have a progeny. Pandu suffered from hepatitis and was advised abstinence by his doctor.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you.

      I also think the same. Holds for Yudhishthir and Bheem as well.

      Delete
  21. Abhishekda,you really spice things up.
    However,I like my Mahabharta with gravitas,and certainly not without Krishna.
    Spare the epic of these threesomes and blow jobs.
    Think of wrathful Krsna and pity your ancestors.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What blowjobs?

      Krishna will come, but I guess Kunti is worth discussing as well. Have given both Kunti and Gandhari serious thought for ages. Time to pen them down.

      Delete
    2. Abhishek, do ask your 'Anonymous' commenter whether they have read the Mahabharata at all, or whether their idea of 'gravitas' is restricted to the size of the hardcover, printed book.

      Delete
    3. I have no idea, but something I have noticed that the ones who react most are the ones who have read the epic the least.

      Delete

    4. Squire,
      I have read the epic and i get what you mean.The Mahabharata is already spiced up.
      But it is not read as porno,because for that,there's kamasutra.

      Delete
    5. Kamasutra isn't pornography either. Also, I have no intention to depict the greatest of all books as pornography, in case you haven't noticed.

      Delete
    6. @anonymous: Good thing you have read Mahabharata and also treat Kamasutra as a porno. However I would suggesst you please consult Sahadev since he seems to be the omniscient one (not the only one maybe :P),
      just to make you happy your comments do make reading these comments far more interesting :)
      Abhishek : Fatafati.. enjoyed the piece through.. my lazy evening (with no intent of doing any work) was really enjoyable. waiting for more to come up.

      Delete
    7. Welcome to my blog, JB. Yes, I guess a lot of people need to consult Sahadev.

      Delete
  22. just too good!!
    please tell me there will be a next installment of this?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you. And yes, just keep an eye on this space.

      Delete

  23. Bwahaha...So Madri was a fulsome punjabi kudi ,Kunti a mod delhiite and Gandhari,straight from Arabian nights!?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nope. Kunti came from somewhere near the Rajasthan-Gujarat border. Look at the map. Hastinapur was just around Delhi.

      Delete
  24. Nrishingho Prasad Bhaduri would do well to consult you the next time he writes a treatise on the Mahabharata characters, Abhishek. Your fertile imagination is a source of wondrous things.

    ReplyDelete
  25. If kunti had her virginity retored,it was almost an immaculate conception.Well,kind of.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Epic! Any plans to continue the story? Would love to read your take on Draupadi's swayamvar and her discovery that she can sleep with five dudes, one per yr, yet retain her virginity after each yr.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, I do have plans to continue with the story. BTW, welcome to my blog!

      Delete
  27. "Satyavati and Shantanu ended up having two sons - Chitrangad (no 'a' at the end; the word means 'a decorated armlet') and Vichitravirya ('strange semen'). Someone in Hastinapur must have been very imaginative with names." Total Epic. Another great part was that kindam-condom bit. And you have ruffled a few conservative (read Asshole) feathers, so you are on your way to total blogsphere stardom. Keep on. :D :D btw, on a more serious note, I think this is precisely why Mahabharat is great- because it has so much inconsistence and ridiculous elements in it. In essence, it is a narrative of folly after folly. You can't beat that. Anyway, carry on O Moffat of the Indian blogsphere.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you. Thank you.

      Yes, that is one thing about Mahabharat that has always intrigued me: the seamless mingling of the larger-than-life and the ridiculous.

      Delete
  28. Mahabhatrata is a mixture of the ublime and the ridiculous.You effaced the sublime,kept the ridiculous.
    The one on draupadi you wrote earlier,was better.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If you call one post better than the other I guess I should thank you.

      Delete
    2. Anonymous has no work other than to read your blog! Nishchoi khub borolok, payer opor pa tule sharadin tomar blog pore r oshojhyo comment gulo kore. He/she is a real entertainer. Amaro khub shokh borolok howar.

      Delete
  29. Its very easy to make fun of Hindu religion .....But you will piss on your pant if I tell you to make fun of other religion.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The Mahabharat is not a religion. It is the best book ever written, but it's still a book.

      Delete
    2. "But you will piss on your pant if I tell you to make fun of other religion." -- says the commenter who prefers to remain anonymous.

      Delete
    3. True, but more importantly, the word that intrigues me is on. Why would writing on other religion make me lay out my trousers and urinate on them?

      Delete
  30. If i call you sasi thoroor,would that be a compliment?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If it's after you read The Great Indian Novel, then yes.

      Delete
    2. Anonymous, it'd be even better if you refer to Abhishek as Shashi Tharoor.

      Delete
    3. Oh, I've seen much worse, trust me. Much, much worse.

      Delete
  31. FYI,
    http://ajitvadakayil.blogspot.in/2012/08/common-characters-of-ramayana-and.html

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This is very informative. Thank you for leading me here. Keep writing, mate!

      Delete
  32. Who is your favourite character in Mahabharata ovshake?
    mmm...kuti?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If you mean Kunti, I guess I should say no. Actually it's difficult to choose. At the end of the day I guess it should go to Bhishma, but it would be a tough fight.

      Delete
    2. I so agree with this choice. Bhishma, that is. I mean, as a younger girl I would drool over Krishna, the lover, or Karna, the "Lover', or on Chitrangada, for inspiration, and can find another few stalwarts.. But then, Bhishma, somehow, gives the feeling of Shelter. And, a feeling of acceptance, progressive mindedness, etc. Someone you can confide in, find peace in. Somewhere resonates with the many 'thakurda' images depicted by that other great old man. If I have just one to chose, it probably has to be Bhishma, too.

      Delete
    3. Bhishma was a very tough choice. Karna doesn't stand a chance - I'd rather pick one of Kunti, Gandhari, and Draupadi. Of course, I have a Yudi-bias.

      Delete
    4. Kunti inspires you? :o
      Draupadi is grossly overrated! :-|
      Gandhari.. well, I could never exactly figure out if she was more loyal to her fathers’ side or to her sons..! But yeah, she lived an entire lifetime on just protest! :(

      Karna.. what would you know! :)

      Delete
    5. For Gandhari do you mean her father's or her husband's?
      Karna is the grossly hyped one. For more visit http://ovshake.blogspot.in/2011/01/son-of-sun.html.
      A lot of Mahabharat has to do with the Kunti versus Gandhari struggle.

      Delete
    6. Nope, I did not mean husband's. Sons. Husband, she always hated I believe. She was with Shakuni to devise the ultimate doom of the kingdom, but then, she hated to give up her sons for it.

      Mahabharata in another way is the revenge story of the Gandhars', no?

      Delete
    7. If you think hard you will find that Mahabharat is an almost entirely a Kunti vs Gandhari thing.

      Delete
    8. How hard? :(

      Well, didn't Gandhari gracefully invite Kunti to stay at Hastinapur, and even accompany them to tirtho-yatra, when the time came? (it’s another thing that Kunti had a special that thing for Vidur, her first legitimate son’s Dad, which is why she didn’t choose the palace.)

      Delete
    9. To me, Mahabharata is a battle between Bhishma and Krishna. Clearly, they continue to battle in my mind to claim the "rajarshi's favorite character in Mahabharata" spot. :)

      Delete
    10. Think a lot harder, Sinjini. PS: Kunti had escaped with her sons the first time; but when they were exiled Kunti stayed at Vidur's place.

      Delete
    11. Rajarshi, do not rule out Yudi. There is more to Yudi than it meets the eye.

      Delete
  33. In the lane that runs by The Statesman building in Chowringhee, a gloomy hole-in-the-wall dispenses jhalmuri and nothing else. We used to despatch the office boy on late-work evenings to pick up jhalmuri. Putting aside crowquill and Rotring, we would shovel fistfuls of the stuff into our mouths, cursing at the fieriness of it and wiping the tears from our eyes. Work would be impossible later anyway, so we’d retire to some nearby beer bar and discuss the future of communism in Bengal.

    Because it is based on puffed rice, you might mistakenly conclude that jhalmuri is probably a cousin of Bombay’s bhelpuri, but the truth couldn’t be further. If puffed rice is the gene pool, then jhalmuri is the warrior and bhelpuri the poet. The biggest mistake you could make would be to try and adapt jhalmuri to local taste, for that would not be murder, it would be assassination.

    ReplyDelete
  34. Abhishek da, why don't you disable anonymous comments? High time. So annoying. If they have so much gyaan to share, they might as well disclose their names, no?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have thought about this. But then, anyone could open an email account like Anonymous239829@gmail.com and post.

      Delete
  35. Which Parashuram is your hero? Treta-dwapar er naki kali yuger?
    I assume Kali yuger...lekhar modhye onar chhap achhe.....byapok hoyeche...:)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Both. You cannot ignore any of them. Kali Yug's Parashuram is the reason behind me writing all this.

      BTW, I guess you know that the other Parashuram is immortal. He still lives. :)

      Delete
  36. লেখার মত লেখা। সিম্পলি সুপার্ব। ডায়ালগগুলো খুব জোরদার। অনেক শুভেচ্ছা রইলো।

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. অজস্র ধন্যবাদ। ভবিষ্যতেও কমেন্টের আশায় রইলাম।

      Delete
  37. Does not KuntiBhoj means ' Kunti kaa Bhoj' , something which Kunti eats ?

    I am also watching the new MB on Colors and I thought they are making up a lot of stuff just to add that twist from the BR Chopra one(from the 'original' version, if there is such a thing)..but was surprised to know that its pretty much the same.(after reading this).Is that(TV series) is what prompted you as well ?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I do not watch that, but I do catch random episodes on Star. I think they dig in deeper than BR Chopra's version.

      But you should really read the book. Seriously.

      Delete
  38. This was a great read! Looking forward to your post on Kunti. She is a very interesting character. Her choices/thought processes led to a lot of other events. Getting Draupadi to marry all five brothers to prevent a rift in the family...masterstroke. Now that I think of it, she is very similar to her nephew Krishna....
    Did not know the Sahadev story. Is this of significance later in the story?

    Maya

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Welcome to my blog, Maya. No, Sahadev's story does not have a significance later in the story as per my knowledge.

      Delete
  39. Best Mahabharata ever!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, but I disagree on the 'best' bit.

      Delete
  40. fatafati likhecho, I am hooked on to your blog from now.

    ReplyDelete
  41. This looks like a Vigil Idiot's review of the Mahabharat. :D Just an observation.

    ReplyDelete
  42. Wow ! Could not stop till I completed the whole thing. Want more please, and why don't you write a book ?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Welcome to my blog, Sharmi, and thank you for those nice words. Get me a publisher now. :)

      Delete
    2. I wish I could, if it meant I could read much more about this :)...... Hopefully I will in this blog. Thanks.

      Delete
    3. I was kidding. Of course you can read more about this. Check the mythology section of my blog at http://ovshake.blogspot.in/search/label/Mythology.

      Delete
  43. I haven't ever come across a woman named draupadi,gandhari,or kunti.
    Can you not write more on the secret lives of these characters?
    Especially Duryodhan.I'm sure he had his reasons for behaving the way he did.
    I never liked Arjun.You can hate me for that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know someone called Panchali. I just Googled and found a Nepali singer called Kunti Moktan. Could not find the name Gandhari, but it is the name of a place in Andhra Pradesh.

      I do not know anything about their secret lives: only what is written in the Mahabharat.

      Why did you not like Arjun?

      Delete
  44. Very entertaining post on Mahabharat. Thoroughly enjoyed the catchy conversations.Just wondering whether you have read Pratibha Basu's 'Mahabharater kotha' where she made Vidur- the villain of the story & Kunti the main vamp, and apparently Yudisthir- to be the son of Vidur and Kunti. Any thoughts on this? Also, have you read Devdutt pattnaik's book 'Jaya'?.. thoroughly enjoyed that version too! Look forward to read more of the epic on your blog.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Toa, and welcome to my blog. I have read Jaya, but have not read (or even, I know it sounds terrible, heard of) Mahabharater Kotha. There have been speculations that Vidur had fathered Yudi, the main reason being that Vidur is actually Dharma cursed as a human being (I assume you know the story of Mandavya).

      It is unlikely that Dharma would have managed a double role: I think it was Vidur himself. Seems very likely.

      Delete
  45. Kunti had five men,Draupadi was given to five men.
    Panchali was never promiscuous,she only wanted a man with five qualities.
    Ovshake,what was the status of women in those times?
    Did women manage to do whatever they wanted,but on the sly.
    And arjun never faced any grave dilemma.He's never complex.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Kunti had four men (I assume you meant coital relationships).

      The status was actually not as easy at it meets the eye. Let me get you started: of all the wives the Pandavas Draupadi was the only one who was allowed to go with the Pandavas to the forest and later at agyatvaas. It's not that the women did not have a say, you see. :)

      Delete
  46. Awesome dude... Let me say this straight... I have never enjoyed mythology so much!! And you have set an excellent tone with the conversations!! Perfect prelude to what is coming up, i guess!! :P

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you. With so much pressure I guess I have to do the sequel, after all.

      Delete
    2. Well for starters... I signed up here with that in mind ;)... oh yeah, and to laud you as well.. in case you are feeling left out!! :P

      Delete
  47. This post is a result of reflection and study.
    Just about how much imagination did you employ in this,huh?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Only in some of the dialogues. It's unbelievable, the number of absurd events Mahabharat has, isn't it?

      Delete
  48. Ramayana predates mahabharata.Why there ere no animals-like monkeys(vanar)and bear(jambavan),bird(garuda)-in mahabharata?
    No animals at all to guide the gods in mahabharata which is more realistic than ramayana.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There are. I can off-hand remember the following (even if you ignore the horses and elephants in the war):
      - Garuda, Hanuman, and Jambavan all make appearances in Mahabharat as well. :)
      - Snakes play a crucial role: Parikshit's death, Janmejay's yagna, Bheem's drowning, Ulupi, Kaliya-daman, Nahush, Khandav-dahan, Balaram's death, etc
      - The stork that asked Yudi the questions
      - The dog that accompanied Yudi to heaven
      - The mongoose that came to Yudi's court
      - The owl in the crow's nest that inspired Ashwatthama

      I'm sure there are more, but cannot recall them as of now.

      Delete
    2. I meant the talking animals.
      But thanks! :)

      Delete
    3. A lot of these could talk as well. A lot.

      Delete
  49. I don't think mahabharata is what it claims to be.
    Our ancestors can't leave such a ludicrous and silly epic for us.
    Maybe the key to deconstruct it will kepp eluding us.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Which part of it seems silly to you? :O

      Delete

    2. To me,the entire epic seems encrypted.
      It's like a manual to reach God which only a sharp intuitive acumen can decode.
      Like a treasure hunt map that not everybody can make sense of.
      An epic like 'life of pie' that also doubles up as an enjoyable,slutty story for lesser mortals to be enjoyed,but nothing less than a golden key for the enlightened.

      Delete
    3. Do let me know if you can decipher that inner meaning. Please.

      Delete
  50. How much of a creative license can one really take with mahabharata?
    Why characters of dwapar yuga acted like those of kaliyuga?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. People have acted the same across ages. Absolutely the same. In fact, people like Shantanu and Yayati have actually wanted their sons to give up a lot so that they could have some 'fun' these days.

      Delete
  51. Awesome stuff man! How much time did this take you??

    And , not that it matters, but are you an atheist?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. More or less straight (I had one break). Why? And yes, I am an atheist.

      Delete
  52. Hebby likhechho Abhishek Da. Office e kaalke eta pore mood ekdom fresh hoye gelo, sent the link to almost everyone on the floor! :D

    We need more such gems from you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you. Aro publicise kor. Tor mukhe phulchondon poruk.

      Delete
  53. super duper hoyechhe. du ekta tuktak typo types royechhe ekhono (ek jaygay devavrata, onyo jaygay debabrata) - naki ota ichha kore lekha?

    baki mythology post gulo o ki erokom i likhechho? :) pore felbo tuktuk kore. ar etar aro onek gulo kisti chai.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hm, baki mythology post-gulo o eiroko'mi mostly. Portei parish. :)

      Ar proofread kor aro.

      Delete
  54. Probably one of your best. Chaliye jao guru

    ReplyDelete
  55. Abhishek,
    I know people are going bonkers on your writing but let me share my views as well and I hope everyone including you will be taking it in the correct spirit.
    I agree with the anonymous person that it is easy to make fun of Ramayana and Mahabharata but wonder why you dont even have the guts to make a similar parody of any stories from the Bible History (Stories of Samson, Cain and Able for example) or even stories from the middle east related to Islam religion. Look, I really dont know what were you trying to prove in this writing of yours but let me tell you it has got enough material to hurt a whole lot of people's sentiments. As a responsible writer, I didnt expect this from you. And if you say this is comedy, then let me say it is not - it is crass! I mean I know "Mirakkel" is also a very popular comedy show but is that comedy? Not very sure.
    I am sure you have read "Lokkhoner Shoktishel". Now that is comedy. I am not a puritan nor a fanatic. But the attempt towards an epic which has high literary value is quite shameful and shocking. I have still not got what were you trying to prove with your so called creative genius writing. I may not have the intellect of your fellow bloggers and followers but I still think that this attempt was not required. In fact I find the attempt very cheap.
    I am sure you know that Mahabharat is an epic which in our country is worshipped by a lot of people. One of its appendices is literally worshipped (Gita). There are loads of characters in the epic that are worshipped by a lot of people.
    Was toying with the belief and sentiments of the people of your country so necessary to portray your so called creativity and intellect?
    Lets see, if your favourite author is O Henry or Ruskin Bond and someone would have written a similar nonsense on one of their creations, would you have tolerated it? I guess not.
    Extremely disappointed!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Of course I am taking this in the right spirit. Criticism is always welcome.

      To begin with, I really cannot make fun of other religions for the simple fact that I do not make fun of religions. Mahabharat is not a religion.

      I have made fun of a book that is one of my favourites as well. Of course I can make fun of the Iliad and the Odyssey as well: let me brush up a bit first. I do not know them by heart the way I know Mahabharat.

      Do you know anyone who worships Mahabharat? I don't. I know people who worship Ram, Sita, Hanuman, and the Ramayan, but have you ever come across anyone who worships great characters like Bhishma and Yudi, Kunti and Gandhari, Arjun and Droppy? Krishna gets respect, but that is due to his relationship with Radha and his words in the Geeta, and seldom for the significant role he had played in Indian politics of his era. He was a nation-changer.

      The Geeta is, of course, an exceptional book: however, I refuse to believe that it is merely a religious book. It is, in fact, one of the greatest presentations of marketing strategies - including bearish and bullish strategies. Some day I will write on this at lengths.

      In fact, it is so representative of a recent-day meeting that at the end of it Arjun, desperate to walk out of it, prefers to take on his relatives. You can find a similar example here: http://senantixsimon.blogspot.ch/2011/09/shakespeare-talks-about-meetings.html by a seriously good author.

      Please, please, please do not compare Sukumar Ray to me, let an innocuous blogger like me. Obviously Lokkhoner Shoktishel is comedy. If that is the standards you want to see in my blog I am really honoured. I mean this. Thank you.

      I agree completely with you that the article really does not have a purpose. This is a personal blog. Writing is something I enjoy. If anyone does not enjoy my writing, the person can choose to (a) not read my blog, or (b) voice his/her opinion (the way you have done). Be rest assured, I respond to every comment these days, even if it's just a smiley (as long as it's not a personal attack or there is no direct attack or profane language).

      Once again, I am not trying to portray anything. If you really want a piece of work that portrays anything and has a purpose you should try this book: http://www.chetanbhagat.com/books/what-young-india-wants/. I have heard that it has influenced a lot of people, so it must be having a concrete purpose.

      On the other hand there is something that I do believe in. I believe in an artist's right to create. The quality of the artist or the work is not important here; the right to create is important. I personally feel I have a long, long way to go. This blog had started as a sort of public diary. The fact that people had started reading it simply makes me feel good, that is all.

      If someone makes fun of my favourite authors (the list is endless) I typically take them in the stride. I have read a lot of parodies, some good, some bad, some lewd: I have enjoyed some, and did not enjoy the others. I disliked a few. But I have never questioned the right of the person to make a parody. Humour - irrespective of the quality - can extend to any person in the world irrespective of its stature (that is my opinion, though).

      As for my sense of humour, it has really had its dose of fans and critics; if you think this was crass I guess I should be really thankful to you for telling it on my face.

      Also, thank you for commenting on my blog. Will definitely look forward to subsequent comments.

      Delete
    2. Dear Pankha Sankha,

      I love how you use 5 exclamation marks at the end for the Pandavas. I applaud your responsibility.Would you mind if I worshiped you?

      Delete
    3. Don't! Now people will take this seriously and try to pay homage to the Kauravs!!

      Delete
    4. To my anonymous friend,
      I really dont know what you meant by Pankha Shankha. I do have a name and I am brave enough to comment without being anonymous by using my actual name. Or is it a fashion nowdays to be cool by misbehaving with someone and disrespecting him? its upto you Sir or ma'am whoever you are. You should read more about the usage of exclamation marks. And Yes I would mind if you worshipped me as I would not like someone so low on taste to worship me.

      Abhishek,
      Thanks for your response. Let me again clarify certain things here.
      1. I have never said that Mahabharat is a religion. I have said that the book itself is considered to be holy and worshipped by a lot of people. I have seen a lot of families in cities and villages where they wrap Ramayana and Mahabharata in a red piece of cloth and place it along with the gods in their home. I was merely talking about sentiments out here.
      2. Yes, there are characters of Mahabharata who are worshipped in temples in India. Since you understand the language of links, let me share a few -
      http://www.mustseeindia.com/Mori-Duryodhana-Temple/attraction/11989 (Duryodhan Temple)
      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DR48i-rCpMI (Kunti Temple)
      http://blog.makemytrip.com/have-feet-will-travel/2013/4/16/thimithi-festival-when-draupadi-is-worshipped.html (where draupadi is worshipped)
      http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Draupadi#Draupati_as_a_village_goddess (where draupadi is worshipped)
      http://mahabharata-resources.org/temple_mbh1.html
      If I am not mistaken, one of Arjun's son, Iravan is worshipped by the Aravani tribes of Tamil Nadu. Bheem's son Barbareek, is worshipped as Khatu Shyamji in Rajasthan.
      3. Your assessment of worshipping Krishna is extremely uneducated. Krishna is worshipped by Hindus (both Vaishnava' and Shakta) as an incarnation of Lord Vishnu. And Gita is worshipped. Please dont tell us that he is only worshipped for his relationship with Radha. You have no idea on this subject then.
      4. I will never ever try to compare anyone with Sukumar Ray. The reference was given to point out what a comedy/parody out of an epic is and can be. This was to highlight its path not expecting anyone to to even be in the distant vicinity of its class.
      5. I agree that the right to create is important - but with it comes responsibility. Its scary and quite surprising that you completely oblivious about the same.

      The reason why I am so shocked and have been strong with my comments is that I have always thought that you are a quality writer who creates with a lot of talent and responsibility. But this was a total face loss.

      Delete
    5. Abhishek you are right.. We in the context of religion forget to question it, but on the lighter side it is fun read. Mahabharata is an epic, not a holy book like Bible or Gita.. And gita is more than a book, it is a philosophy of life, same with Upanishads. Our culture is blessed to have books like these. Mahabharata is the perfect punch of Good, Bad and Ugly, and who is what it is best left the readers to ponder...

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    6. 1. Then we agree. I have not come across anyone who has wrapped Mahabharata wrapped in red cloth. The two versions that sometimes get that status are
      - Vyas' Sanskrit Mahabharat which no one reads
      - Kashiram Das' Mahabharat which has a lot of fabrication
      2. My apologies. What I meant to say was universally worshopped.
      3. Maybe I am uneducated, then. But unfortunately, I have never come across any religious person who worships Krishna because of any other reason than his words in the Geeta (a point that you have conveniently overlooked) and Radha. I cannot remember anyone worshipping him for the reason that he was the first real diplomat and successful politician of the subcontinent.
      4. I do not claim my humour is good. Seriously.
      5. I do not think that blogging comes with any major responsibility. Had I been a journalist or someone whose words are taken seriously, I would have been more responsible. But this is just a personal chain of thoughts. Why should I do that?

      Also, please keep commenting. Thank you for considering me a quality writer. It is an honour, for sure.

      Delete
    7. Thank you, Ghumbahadur. What we sometimes forget that a book is a book, and if it's not a fun read then it becomes pointless. I think of Mahabharat on the same lines as Harry Potter: no religion involved, the feeling of an epic, a lesson in both philosophy and psychology, and very very cool people. Both epics in their own rights.

      PS: What does Ghumbahadur mean?

      Delete
    8. Dear Subhro,

      Let me point it, mahabharata is not holy book. It is an epic with multitude of characters, some holy, some unholy and some deamon. Mahabharata is a superset, of these characters. I have a question if Mahabharata is holy and sacred then everything inside should be sacred, then all the characters should be either a Villain or a God. It cannot be a shade of gray.

      Secondly, nowhere in this blog it is denied that the characters are not worshipped, and the blog is about all the characters not being worshipped.

      I could not find any mention of Krishna in the blog.. it might be my search is not working.

      Now coming to some facts, when was Mahabharata written? Best estimates (according to historians) is around 7000BC. Do you think when there was no preservation technology, no paper, no ink, such a vast book survived only though a word of mouth, without any transformation? Just that someone will tell me something is right I cannot stop questioning it. A simple fact of history gets distorted in 50 yrs, I cannot believe we had the same versions for last 10000 years.

      Delete
    9. I agree, Ghumbahadur (I just love this name: what does it really mean?) that Mahabharat is NOT a holy book. It never was. It was perhaps the greatest story ever written - if not then certainly one of the greatest. But then, it was a story: nothing more, nothing less.

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    10. (!Bahadur) who loves to sleep, or better said Bahadur in dreams...

      Delete
    11. Mahabharata is the greatest story. The best part is that it is perfect, optimal. I once asked Gurucharan Das (he is also writing a book on Mahabharata) about changing one fact if he wished, however after some discussion the concluding fact was that it is best in its current form, the ever immortal form

      Delete
  56. @SSM
    I agree with you.This post made me change my earlier assessment of ovshake.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for your feedback. I would really like to know what your earlier assessment was, though.

      Delete

  57. A man passes lewd comments at a woman,wolf whistles at her and sings the lady cheap crass songs.Another holds her gaze,kindly smiles at her and greets her with an unassuming 'hi'.Which one the lady will choose to fall in love with?

    Now that's the difference between this post and 'A love story'

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Understanding a woman, my friend, is something beyond my intelligence. Then, again, perhaps Sahadev knows everything.

      Delete
  58. I agree with SSM. I am seeing you in a different light and also in different darkness. I know now which ISI you went to. It is obvious you are an agent of the Vatican. You are demoralizing Hindus by making fun of Kunti and Surya. Make fun of the virgin birth of Jesus, if can. Do you dare? No. You would not even dare to have a picture of Mohammed, PUBH. You would not even take the name of Voldemort. Yet here you are, writing the nasty. Shame, shame. I appeal to my Hindu brothers like Pankha Sankha Mukherjee to launch a campaign. I will join you after my appendicitis.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Now you're scaring me. But do get well soon. Appendices, as we know, are useless and harmful. I wish we were not born with these vestigial organs.

      You have figured me out all right. I am a meek person by nature. I would dare not take the name of You-Know-Who, or even mention the word 'shaap' after nightfall (which, as we all know, has been Lata Mangeshkar's greatest marketing campaign in Bengal).

      Delete
    2. Sir, you have too much yoni on mind. Vestigial organs...can you not think beyond male organs and female V's. Please remove these rude words.

      Delete
    3. Mahabharat is a tale of yoni and unhoni. You cannot escape the facts.

      Delete
    4. That was a sad pun Abhishek - really sad. I am sure you can do better. And if you think that you cannot escape the facts of your pun, then you are a lost case my friend. Your orientation needs to be seriously corrected. We are talking about literature, history, and mythology out here - you just cant fool around even with your creative licence.

      Delete
    5. Honestly, I can fool around with everything. That is my creative licence, as you have mentioned. This is a personal blog. It's not that I am saying this on air or distributing pamphlets.

      Delete
    6. Anonymous,

      What is the point of considering other religion? I dont understand, are you angry that Abhishek has made a pun on Mahabharata or you are angry that he has not made a pun on others? Is our identity lost that we need to always bring other religion to compare? I am a proud that we have such books we can discuss, not just only one book which you cannot discuss.

      Our identity is our culture, not the lack of others...

      Delete
  59. Awesome! When i opened the page, i never thought i'd read the whole thing! But here i am leaving an applause!

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  60. Write an open letter to krisna seeking his grace.
    Atone for writing this nasty.

    ReplyDelete
  61. amar bandhyu Toa amaye aaj tomar ei blog er link ta pathalo..jhotpot poreo fellam tomar lekha ta...khub valo laglo...tomar lekha ta darun..style tao khub refreshing...very ineresting writeup on a very fascinating story...
    comment gulo o porte moja laglo...protyeker vabna chinta achaar bichaar arekjon er theke aalada..tai amar mone hoye tomar lekha ta ke ekta different insight hishebe nile darun hoye...karur kharap laaga tao anek khani kome jaye,...protyek er jamon tomar ei blog e comment kore nijeder pochondyo opochondyo jananor ekta shujog ache tomar o ja mon chaye lekhar tototai right ache...likhte theko...jaate amra aro emon lekha porte parii...:)

    PS: du ek bochor aage ami chitra roy bannerjee divkarunir "palace of illusions" porechilam ..porte paro..droupodi r chokh diye mahabharat..asha kori valo lagbe...different insight again...


    gunja..

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Gunja. Ami Toa-kei chinina, kajei double publicity. Bhobishyoteo porish (tui-tokarii korchhi). Ar hm, protyeker viewpoint alada dekhe amaro darun lagchhe: amar jeta ichchhe sheta to oboshyoi likhbo. :)

      PS: Palace of Illusions amar besh priyo boi. Tui Gajendranath Mitrar Panchajanya porte parish, Krishner viewpoint theke lekha. Darun boi.

      Delete
    2. Shaonli Mitrar ekta natak ache, 'Nathabati Anathbadh' Draupadi ke niye. parle ota dekho, Mahabharat je kotota relevant, kotota lively, painful bojha jay

      Delete
  62. oboshyoi boi ta jogar korar cheshta korbo...mahabharat amar boddo valo laage.. :)
    tai ekhaneo chokh rakhbo tomar aro lekhar jonyo...

    ReplyDelete
  63. Lot of pent-up feelings you're struggling with...this post seems to show that way.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You sound really confident. That must be it, then.

      Delete
  64. Abhishek gets a day in the world of Mahabharata.What does he say to each character an how do they react?

    ReplyDelete

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