Thursday, October 31, 2013

And then, they were born: footnote 1

Remember this post? Remember this part?

Devavrata's father Shantanu (read: lustful old pervert) had wanted to marry a woman roughly the age of his son. This was no ordinary woman: Satyavati was born of King Vasu and the apsara (not the pencil) Adrika (also known as Girika) who, for some reason, was disguised as a fish during the intercourse (well, an alternate version is so absurd that it deserves a post in itself: we will get into that later).

***

That was a promise I had made. Now I will live up to it. Do not be surprised (yes, I know you have a right to be surprised). What is more, there will be more information on a couple of the lesser characters and a grand revelation at the end, so stay tuned.

Tale One: Satyavati's birth

Long, long ago, in the kingdom of Chedi (approximately in Bundelkhand: Shishupal hailed from here), there lived a king called Uparichar. Uparichar was named so because he travelled high - literally: one of his favourite hobbies was to pay occasional trips to heaven and socialise with Gods.

Chedi was a relatively peaceful kingdom, with the Kolahal Range and the River Shuktimati cutting it away from threatening attacks, which helped Uparichar pursue his divine trips in peace.

Then, one day, something interesting happened. Kolahal came to Shuktimati with a bizarre proposal:
Kolahal: Hey, gorgeous.
Shuktimati: Wassup?
Kolahal: Fancy a drink?
Shuktimati (raises a wave): You are offering me a drink?
Kolahal: Fine, let me come to the point. Your place or mine?
Shuktimati: Jeez, what are you talking about?
Kolahal: I want to make love to you.
Shuktimati: WHAT?
Kolahal: Babe, I'm hard and you're wet, so what's the big deal?
Shuktimati: You're a pervert. Himalaya will send you to Yamalaya.
Kolahal: He won't. He lost his strength after marrying Bhagyashree. He is now full-time into glasses and contact lens.
Shuktimati: Fine. I will ask somewhere else.

So Shuktimati went to Uparichar.

Shuktimati: Kolahal has made lewd gestures at me.
Uparichar: How does a mountain do that?
Shuktimati: Oops, I should have told you earlier; we have our own mode of communication.
Uparichar: Okay, I don't need the details. Just don't call me 'Oops'.
Shuktimati: Whatever. Now protect me.
Uparichar: Deal.

So Uparichar went to Kolahal and kicked him. The mountain moved sufficiently away from the river and did not disturb her anymore.

[Note: There are some versions that claim that Kolahal and Shuktimati actually made out and had twins, one of which was Satyavati.]

The ordeal done, Uparichar aka Oops went for a tour in one of his pleasure-gardens. Alone. As it often happens with pleasure-gardens, testosterone got the better of him; he took the matter up in his own hands and ended up emitting fluid of some semi-viscous kind.

But that is not the end of the story. Oops wasn't willing to waste the fluid: someone - I have no idea who - must have taught him that the sole purpose of masturbation is reproduction. Also, the person in charge of his sex-education was not really a competent one.

As a result he wanted the queen to use it (I have no idea how). So he made a packet out of leaves, filled it with the aforementioned fluid and summoned his parrot.

Oops: Parrot, you have a task.
Parrot: What's new about that?
Oops: This is not the usual task. I want you to carry this package to my queen.
Parrot: I can't. This stinks. I have seen what you have done.
Oops: What are you talking about? This is fluid that has made kings, administrators...
Parrot: No, dude. They're made through elections. L. Not R.
Oops: You're jealous.
Parrot: Nope, I was just born green. I'm not doing this.
Oops: I will banish you to Kolahal.
Parrot: This is the last time I'm doing this. I would need that mynah when I'm back, though.

So the parrot flew. He was not very keen on carrying the package all the way. He kept whining:
Why am I doing this? Is this the kind of job I was born for? Is there anyone in the world who is doing something that offers less job satisfaction than what I am doing right now? Why does the queen need a parrot? Wouldn't a carrot be a better option?

He was crossing Shuktimati when a hawk spotted him. It swooped upon the parrot in the same way that hawks have swooped upon parrots throughout the course of history.

The hawk preyed. The parrot prayed. And then dropped the bundle.

But that is not the end of the story.

There was an apsara called Adrika. Some sources also refer to her as Girika.

[Note: Both words mean 'a small mountain'. Now stop snorting and get back to reading.]

Now, Adrika was loitering in the form of a fish across Shuktimati (such pastimes were considered quite commonplace in the era). The package dropped, releasing its contents.

Adrika swallowed the contents. And got pregnant.

[Note: If any female fish is into fellatio and is reading this post, beware. Not everything is explained by science.]

When the fishermen eventually caught Adrika and opened her up. Adrika, now killed, went back to perform her day job in heaven. The fishermen found twin siblings inside the fish. They took her to their king (called Das), who took her to Oops.

Das: We found these children inside a fish.
Oops: ... and your point being?
Das: They are your children.
Oops: Sounds convincing. The son is mine. Not the daughter.
Das: But they are twins. They must be born of the same father. That's logic.
Oops: I am the king.
Das: Fine.

So they came back. This girl was Satyavati. The boy, on the other hand, is rumoured to have founded Matsya (now in Chambal). This is the same Matsya where Yudi and his family took refuge under King Virat. That is completely another story.

[Note: it must be remembered that the story in Matsya included Yudi telling his only lie in the epic - an incident that usually goes unnoticed. The one regarding Ashwatthama was not a lie; at least the complete sentence was not.]

***

Tale Two: Shantanu's first marriage

The story begins with a king called Mahabhisha. He had probably achieved a lot in life (read: donated cattle to Brahmins), which is why he was granted entry to heaven. He was also granted all the cool perks - including Kamdhenu, Kalpataru, and Chintamani, all of which are meant to fulfill all your desires (why need all three, then?).

Mahabhisha was also eligible to attend Indra's court where all the cabarets were held. Ganga, the most worshipped river in India, was visiting the heavens, possibly for a refill.

Then there was a breeze (not the soap), and lo! Ganga's assets were revealed. Mahabhisha, unable to overcome his lust, stared a bit too shamelessly when the Gods looked at her with *cough cough* respect.

Indra summoned both Mahabhisha and Ganga to the interrogation chamber. One would assume that Ganga was properly clad before she went there, but then again, that is just an assumption.

Indra: MB, you have stared at this woman's breasts unashamedly.
Mahabhisha: What should I have done, O Lord?
Indra: Stared with respect.
Mahabhisha: How does one do that?
Indra: You should have noticed what I do.
Mahabhisha: One word. Ahalya.
Indra: Shut up. You will be banished from heaven and re-born as a man called Shantanu.
Mahabhisha: Big deal.
Indra: As for you, Ganga...
Ganga: Yes, My Lord?
Indra: You will be banished from heaven as well and will have to marry this Shantanu.
Mahabhisha: That is a punishment?
Ganga (winks at Mahabhisha): Seriously?
Indra: Yeah.
Mahabhisha: What's your IQ level, dude? 15?
Ganga: Do I get to keep my name?
Indra: Yes, you do.
Ganga: See you downstairs, then.
Mahabhisha (winks at Ganga): Yeah baby.

Pratip, king of Hastinapur, was sitting on a river bank and meditating and minding nobody's business. Given the location of the place one can safely assume that this river was Yamuna.

Suddenly Ganga arrived out of nowhere and sat on Pratip's right lap.

Pratip: What on Earth do you think you're doing?
Ganga: Are you blind?
Pratip: You know the LLW-RLD rule, right?
Ganga: Yes, I do. Left lap is for wife, right lap is for daughter.
Pratip: So you've come all this way to be adopted?
Ganga: Nope. I want to marry Shantanu.
Pratip: Who in the right frame of mind would want to marry Shantanu?
Ganga: I love him.
Pratip: You love him? Listen, I've got two other sons, Devapi and Vahlik.
Ganga: Nope, I need Shantanu.
Pratip: Suit yourself.

So Ganga went up to Shantanu.

Ganga (winks): Remember?
Shantanu: Now or after the wedding?
Ganga: After. But I have a condition.
Shantanu: Anything. Anything.
Ganga: You cannot ask me any question after the wedding. Any.
Shantanu: What about before?
Ganga: Shoot.
Shantanu: That day in heaven - was it intentional? It was such a mild breeze.
Ganga: I have dolphins to look after. Bye.

***

The revelation

Look at the family tree below. You have seldom seen anything like this. Conclusions welcome.

[Note: Yamuna was not necessary. I just put her in there because Bhaiphnota / Bhaidooj is approaching. I apologise, but I had to portray Kunti twice. I have shaded relevant characters in to make sure people notice them.]


I rest my point.

66 comments:

  1. :D :D This is getting very very interesting.

    ReplyDelete
  2. So,surya was kunti's sasur?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies


    1. Well,incestuous relations were all too common in those days.
      The relation between saraswati and Brahma isnt well defined either.Saraswati is considered Durga's daughter.
      So, who is brahma's wife? Maybe Brahma is saraswati's sugar daddy?

      Delete
    2. Saraswati is not considered Durga's daughter in any other place outside Bengal as far as I know.

      Delete
    3. Had a similar discussion today... All devi-s are a roop of durga/parvati in some way - yet kali is saraswati's aunt..

      Delete
    4. Why should all devis be Durga or Parvati in some way?

      Delete
  3. Epic. But you could have placed Karna to the left to avoid duplicating Kunti. These family trees are terribly complicated... I doubt that many, outside of Sahadev (of course), know these well.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I tried. But then, Karna was the youngest son. Anyway, I think I could convey my message.

      Delete
  4. So, karna hochche judhisthir-er dada/kaka. Can we coin th term Daka (as opposed to Kada to avoid confusion, war ta chhara kara hie like chhorachhuri koruk, seta halo dekhabe na).

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Eishob bole kauke dakadaki korishna!

      Delete
    2. aha, samosya to amar noy. Yudi-r. Yui chaile Daka bole daktei paarto.


      Delete
    3. Shei. Kintu Yudir jibone scandal ele ami khub bhenge pori.

      Delete
    4. Yudi ekta most birokti kor lok!

      Delete
    5. Read this: http://ovshake.blogspot.in/2011/06/big-brother.html

      Delete
    6. Scandal-ta to Yudi-r noy. Kunti-r.

      Delete
    7. Aha, o to shudhu biroktikor bolechhe.

      Delete
    8. Kaalke amader ekhane Diwali partite gechhilaam, bujhle? sekhane gie ja bujhlaam ekhaner Indian association-er president je aache se-o tomar mato lok-ke saamne pele chhire felbe. nah, boi lekhar idea-ta cancel koro. tabe ekhankaar tenage chhelepule tomar lekha pore hebbi khushi habe, no doubt.

      Delete
    9. Taderi pora. Ar boier proshnoi nei. Ei boi keu lekhe? Amar barite geruadharir dol eshe chorao hok ar ki!

      Delete
  5. Wait! Kunti had a son with her stepson?! whaaaaaaa......?! SCANDALOUS!

    ReplyDelete
  6. "It was such a mild breeze." :D

    ReplyDelete
  7. Mighty entertaining and very interesting.

    ReplyDelete
  8. yudi was born when kunti screwed the lord of death.
    Is that even possible?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That is a very good question. Indeed, how can the Lord of Death father a son?

      Delete
    2. are, janmo na hole mrityu habe ki kore? Lord of Death should try actively for more life. :)

      Delete
  9. What a fantastic family tree, sirjee! What an unbelievable tree. Ar "daka" khubi bhalo shobdo to!!

    I had a few queries, which it is only natural to ask you: (1) What was the lie Yudi told in Matsya? (Sorry, I forget :(...) (2) If the Ashwatthama lie was not a lie, why did Y's chariot become... well, a chariot, from a hover-chariot, on Day 15 and not from Day 1 itself?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fine. Tell yourself which of the following should be considered a lie:
      - Ashwatthama is dead, but (whisper) it's the name of an elephant.
      - I am Kanka. I used to be in the court of Yudhishthir (basically, I'm not Yudhishthir).

      You tell me whether Vyas has messed it up.

      Delete
    2. - I used to be in the court of Yudhishthir - is not a lie, truely speaking. Yudhishthir himself must be always in "the court of Yudhisthir". He never said, "I am not Yudhisthir" right?

      Delete
    3. Yeah, well, okay. Still doesn't explain the name, and the truth about his identity.

      Delete
  10. "Stared with respect."-guffaw.
    What is LLw-Rld rule?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have mentioned that!

      Pratip: You know the LLW-RLD rule, right?
      Ganga: Yes, I do. Left lap is for wife, right lap is for daughter.

      Delete
  11. Is fish sacred as per hinduism? Can you throw some light on this?
    Vishnu avatar and the appearance of fish in hindu mythology...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There must be. It was the first avatar, after all. There are also other fishy tales. Satyavati is an example. Arjun hit a fish to win Droppy. Many more.

      Delete
  12. You know what'd make for a perfect diwali read?
    Daljit Nagra's ,Ramayana:A retelling.
    It's racy and rollicking.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Tell me more about this book. Is there anything we don't know? Is the style any different?

      Delete
  13. Golden deer,please!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He means time for some Ramayana - but then it's so bland, Big Boss versus Aasthha Channel....

      Delete
    2. Have just started reading Devdutt Pattanaik's Sita. He claims the book is not what it meets the eye. Let me dig deeper.

      Delete
    3. I got that. Pattanaik claims that there is more to Ramayana than it meets the eye.

      Delete
  14. Oh God !! you are hilarious ... How do you write them ??? I am a fan of your write ups !! You make me skip my work at office and read your posts in a different tab

    ReplyDelete
  15. Whenever you write in bengali,disable the comments.I don't want to know how good the work is or what I am missing.
    I read your cricket articles usually and started recently reading this blog recently.

    Sahil

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Er, okay, but you realise I cannot do that, right?

      Delete
  16. Boss,ei article gulo collect kore ekta series korte hoy.

    Asadharan, ekebare Dilagrandi Mefestefelis

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Pagol? Tarpore amar barite fanatic ra chorao hok ar ki!

      Delete
    2. Btw, Mahabharate to onek juicy subplot ache, aro onno kono boi te ache ki, amar knowledge Mahabharat ar Ramayan obdhi limited?

      Delete
    3. Just after quick googling, found Aristophanes (father of old/ancient greek comedy) also used to use a lot of politics with sexual reference. Perhaps tokhonkar time lokera besh chaku hoto, amra amader wit ta hariye felchi :(

      Delete
    4. Oh, Greek mythology is full of you-know-what. Ektu funda bariye likhbo nahoy.

      Delete
  17. Aapni to Sahadeb lok moshai!! tobe Oops er theke Adrika r pregnant hoye porar golpo ta abashya kumarsambhav e kartiker jonmer technique dekha jachhe..:).

    r kono ekta puran mote (most likely matsya puran) Saraswati Brahma r kanya o Stri..kono puran etc i laxmi / saraswati r sange mahadeb (sahadeb non, jodio tinio sab janen) er kono relation nei..

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Are, tokhon onek ghyam ghyam technique chhilo. Tokhon byapartai onyorokom chhilo.

      Of course, Sahadeb bolar jonyo prochur dhonyobad and all that.

      Delete
  18. This is quite interesting I ve never read Mahabharata un this style ever.

    ReplyDelete
  19. I cackled so hard that I fell off from the tree. :D

    ReplyDelete

Followers