Dear vs Bear: The greatest story ever told

There are good movies. There are outstanding movies. Then, there is Gunda. 

And then, there is Dear vs Bear.

While Gunda elevates your understanding of cinema, Dear vs Bear takes you down an unforgettable trip that satiates your senses and leave you churned inside out. It is that kind of movie that questions the neo-dynamics of your quasi-existence.

Gunda makes you analytical and erudite. Dear vs Bear makes you a better person. The two are not comparable. 

While Gunda teaches you to be violent, Dear vs Bear ensures you do not kill humans; or bears; or snakes; or even urinate on them; even if they are animated. 

There are many differences between the movies, but that is the fundamental one.

*** SPOILER ALERT ***

*** Do not read any further if you intend to watch the movie. ***

Let us start with the protagonist, Kapil, played by Uttar Kumar (who has written the story, screenplay, and dialogues for the movie as well). Uttar plays Kapil, a North Indian football player. Do note the subtlety: Uttar, North. Get it?

Two minutes into the movie the team for a club (probably called Hi-Tech Football Club) is chosen with the gorgeous Annie (Lovely Joshi) as captain. On the same evening Annie's and Aryan's parents get together to fix up the engagement between the two. Aryan, after all, is all set to be the captain of the male counterpart.

Overwhelmed by this development, this guy (supposedly a footballer) announces a "small-scale" party.

This is what the "small-scale" party looks like. It is a perfect message for people who constantly complain about space crunch. This is possibly the smallest terrace on which a party this big has been held. 

In case you are wondering why there is no staircase, elevator, or escalator, the director throws more questions at you: where are the light effects coming from?

Obviously, satisfied by this wild party on the most cramped space ever, they promise to host another party two days later on Aryan's appointment as captain.

***

But the selectors obviously had other ideas. They decided to recall Kapil, a person who had been banned as captain three seasons back, to the helm. They also go to fetch Kapil — in this car.

What is Kapil like? As Ruby, Annie's friend, would say, "aandhi hai woh, toofan hai woh". The moment Ruby utters these words, Annie disowns her.

*** 

I thought the fathers would be annoyed and try to bash up Kapil, but to my pleasant surprise, they turned out to be rather sporting. In fact, the following conversation actually happened:

Annie's father: Ek chhoti si ichchha thi, main do captains ki shaadi dekhna chahta tha.

Annie: Papa, aap bilkul chinta mat kijiye. Hum tab tak shaadi nahin karenge, jab tak ye shaadi do captains ke beech mein nahin hoga.

***

Meanwhile, Kapil arrives with his lucky football (?) and hogs Annie's seat in the Maruti Omni. Annie tries to dislodge him, but cannot. Once again, there is an exchange of lines which may find their names in history:

Annie: Main tumhari jaan le loongi.

Kapil: Pehle mujhe theek tarah se jaan lo, phir mera jaan le lena.

Anyway, the car gets going. There are six people in the car barring the driver: Annie, Kapil, Aryan, Ruby, the "small-scale" party-announcer, and the coach. All six, for whatever reason, wear orange shirts.

This is what they encounter on the road, and choose not to notice. Bhaloo Ghaati aka Bears Valley aka Valley of Death.

Once they enter Bhaloo Ghaati, they roam around with only Kapil in the car, snoozing away to glory. Then this happens.

This is Ruby, being eaten by a bear (erm, literally). As the bear eats her, Aryan and Annie argue on whether to save her or to run away. Exactly what the bear is doing to Ruby is, well, debatable.

While Aryan escapes (though not before Annie tells him "you are kaawaard"), Ruby picks up what she undoubtedly thinks is a lethal weapon to chase the bear off (do note the size of the stone).

No self-respecting bear can be happy with this attack. This is also our first glimpse of the bear.

Meanwhile, Ruby falls off the cliff and dies (and nobody bothers). The bear, apparently, is not keen on eating Annie. Instead, it is interested in her coat, which results in one of the most brilliantly thought-out scenes of Bollywood.

But then, clever Annie gets rid of her coat and runs for the car. The bear is obviously not interested in Annie's coat.

Meanwhile, Annie trips, and this is the position she finds herself in.

Meanwhile, Kapil wakes up from his slumber and utters the word "ffffff; bathroom kar leta hoon". 

Unfortunately, he never gets a chance. Realising exactly what is going on, he pulls Annie inside the car. What follows is this.

We now get to know exactly why this car has the words Hi-Tech printed on it. Do note the background, which looks like a cross between Cassiopeia and an alga. 

Here is more proof regarding the Hi-Tech bit. Also note the startling change in backdrop.

They obviously land on the other side, when Annie slips, and hangs by a vine. 

She Tarzans a bit before she lands on this jutting bit of rock. Do note the dimensions. We will come back to this later.

Kapil, meanwhile, had been looking for a spot to relieve himself. A bear and a breakneck car journey had stopped him, but he was not going to hold back any longer.

He goes for it, and find this.

Obviously, he Tarzans a bit and lands on the same rock that Annie is on. They are stuck on the rock, and extending the vine is the only way out, so Kapil asks for Annie's tie.

Annie, unfortunately, comes under the impression that Kapil is trying to molest her. Under these circumstances. More importantly, on this rock: "Nahin nahin, ye tum kya kar rahe ho? Tum itne bure nahin ho sakte!"

Knowing Annie's penchant for reduced surface area (remember "small-scale" party?), this should not come as a surprise.

Thankfully, Annie sees logic, and both decide to hang by the vine to get as low as possible. Unfortunately, this is when Kapil decides his bladder cannot hold any longer, and comes up with this expression.

Obviously, this calls for a solution, so Annie agrees to unzip him with one hand. Exactly how Kapil manages to urinate is best left to guesswork.

Anyway, they fall down, and Annie manages to injure her knee. In a refreshing reversal of traditional Bollywood cliches, Kapil ties Annie's knees to heal her. 

Just when things were warming up between the two, they reach a fork, where this conversation happened:

Annie: Raasta idhar hai.

Kapil: Tu kuchh zyada samajhdaar hai.

Annie: Yes. Graduation kar rahi hoon. DU se. Samajh mein aaya kuchh? Delhi University.

As expected, Annie is chased by a bear, Kapil returns.

Annie: Mujhe laga maine tumhe kho diya.

Kapil: Main koi saamaan hoon, jo kho diya?

But the bear has its vengeance, and this tug-of-war happens. 

Obviously, since Kapil is a footballer, he kicks the bear away, and they start running again...

... until they fly...

... and land somewhere. Annie cannot walk anymore, so Kapil carries her on his back.

Elsewhere, Annie's father is justifiably anxious. To make things worse, Kapil's mother blames Annie for eloping with her son, which leads to this priceless expression on Annie's father's face.

Meanwhile, Kapil and Annie travel through the forest till night falls. This is where the director cleverly inserts a product placement. Kapil tells Annie, "Maine Discovery Channel mein dekha hai, kabhi bhi jangal mein bhatak jaao, to raat humesha ped pe bitaani chahiye."

Dear Discovery Channel, how much did you pay for this?

***

Travelling through Bhaloo Ghaati, Kapil and Annie stumble across this place, complete with mountains, waterfall, an island, clear blue water, and still sky. Obviously, Annie starts to dance.

Things were going fine, unless Annie got a carried away. While this was not too bad...

... this, followed by throwing the orange shirt away (why were they wearing identical orange shirts anyway?), was possibly not the wisest thing to do.

Poor Kapil obviously had to part ways with his own coat.

Meanwhile, the investigating officers come across some mysterious clues. The man in the vardi asks, "woh zinda hai, to kaunsi duniya mein hai?"

While the duniya had a surreal look to it, it was not the safest duniya imaginable, because of this...

... and these.

PS: Do note the return of the lucky ball.

Lost cause? Not quite. Trust Kapil to come up with a solution.

Kapil: Tum ek kaam karo.
Annie: Bolo.
Kapil: Neeche baith jaao. 
Annie: Kiyun (had this been me, I would have been suspicious as well)?
Kapil: Main bhi dikha doon ke main football player hoon.
Annie: Ye tum kya keh rahe ho?

Kapil: Dekho Annie, jabtak mere pairon mein football hai, ye mujhe touch nahin kar sakta.

So the greatest show on earth takes off. Kapil keeps kicking the ball from one bear to another...

 ... while Annie, on her knees, sneaks past the bears.

Unfortunately, Kapil's adventures do not last long. A fourth bear arrives; each one grabs a limb of Kapil's and starts pulling him in four directions.

One of the bears actually does this (the screenshot is not capable of showing that it is actually swinging Kapil).

Poor Kapil somehow gets away joins Annie on the tree (Discovery Channel, anyone?), but the bears are in no mood of giving up.

So Kapil comes down and bashes the bears with a branch (why did this not occur to him before?)

They find (and slide down) a mysterious chute, and land up in this position. This is not what it meets the eye. While the side view reveals the slope...

... the top view gives a completely different idea. Do note the bright blue water.

They eventually fall off, and guess what they land next to? The lucky ball!

For a moment I felt very sad for Kapil and Annie: what if clinging on to each other and the lucky ball was the closest they would come to having a family?

It seems they would lose the battle, but what was that lucky ball for? They spotted the helicopter that was looking for them.

There was, however, one question: what happens to the ball as they climb up the rope? This is how they do it (though they drop the ball midway).

Obviously, Annie breaks up with Aryan once she returns, and asks the question her father had been dying to hear: "Papa, aap do captains ki shaadi dekhna chahte the, na?"

This resulted in the happy family "THE END" picture.

Of course, that was not where it ended. It ended with a simple message. 

With a cohort of bears, snakes, cliffs, forests, and an orange shirt-flinging girl around, who else can you believe in (barring, of course, your magic ball and Discovery Channel)?