And then, they were born: footnote 1

Remember this post? Remember this part?

Devavrata's father Shantanu (read: lustful old pervert) had wanted to marry a woman roughly the age of his son. This was no ordinary woman: Satyavati was born of King Vasu and the apsara (not the pencil) Adrika (also known as Girika) who, for some reason, was disguised as a fish during the intercourse (well, an alternate version is so absurd that it deserves a post in itself: we will get into that later).

***

That was a promise I had made. Now I will live up to it. Do not be surprised (yes, I know you have a right to be surprised). What is more, there will be more information on a couple of the lesser characters and a grand revelation at the end, so stay tuned.

Tale One: Satyavati's birth

Long, long ago, in the kingdom of Chedi (approximately in Bundelkhand: Shishupal hailed from here), there lived a king called Uparichar. Uparichar was named so because he travelled high - literally: one of his favourite hobbies was to pay occasional trips to heaven and socialise with Gods.

Chedi was a relatively peaceful kingdom, with the Kolahal Range and the River Shuktimati cutting it away from threatening attacks, which helped Uparichar pursue his divine trips in peace.

Then, one day, something interesting happened. Kolahal came to Shuktimati with a bizarre proposal:

Kolahal: Hey, gorgeous.

Shuktimati: Wassup?

Kolahal: Fancy a drink?

Shuktimati (raises a wave): You are offering me a drink?

Kolahal: Fine, let me come to the point. Your place or mine?

Shuktimati: Jeez, what are you talking about?

Kolahal: I want to make love to you.

Shuktimati: WHAT?

Kolahal: Babe, I'm hard and you're wet, so what's the big deal?

Shuktimati: You're a pervert. Himalaya will send you to Yamalaya.

Kolahal: He won't. He lost his strength after marrying Bhagyashree. He is now full-time into glasses and contact lens.

Shuktimati: Fine. I will ask somewhere else.

So Shuktimati went to Uparichar.

Shuktimati: Kolahal has made lewd gestures at me.

Uparichar: How does a mountain do that?

Shuktimati: Oops, I should have told you earlier; we have our own mode of communication.

Uparichar: Okay, I don't need the details. Just don't call me 'Oops'.

Shuktimati: Whatever. Now protect me.

Uparichar: Deal.

So Uparichar went to Kolahal and kicked him. The mountain moved sufficiently away from the river and did not disturb her anymore.

[Note: There are some versions that claim that Kolahal and Shuktimati actually made out and had twins, one of which was Satyavati.]

The ordeal done, Uparichar aka Oops went for a tour in one of his pleasure-gardens. Alone. As it often happens with pleasure-gardens, testosterone got the better of him; he took the matter up in his own hands and ended up emitting fluid of some semi-viscous kind.

But that is not the end of the story. Oops wasn't willing to waste the fluid: someone - I have no idea who - must have taught him that the sole purpose of masturbation is reproduction. Also, the person in charge of his sex-education was not really a competent one.

As a result he wanted the queen to use it (I have no idea how). So he made a packet out of leaves, filled it with the aforementioned fluid and summoned his parrot.

Oops: Parrot, you have a task.

Parrot: What's new about that?

Oops: This is not the usual task. I want you to carry this package to my queen.

Parrot: I can't. This stinks. I have seen what you have done.

Oops: What are you talking about? This is fluid that has made kings, administrators...

Parrot: No, dude. They're made through elections. L. Not R.

Oops: You're jealous.

Parrot: Nope, I was just born green. I'm not doing this.
Oops: I will banish you to Kolahal.
Parrot: This is the last time I'm doing this. I would need that mynah when I'm back, though.

So the parrot flew. He was not very keen on carrying the package all the way. He kept whining:

Why am I doing this? Is this the kind of job I was born for? Is there anyone in the world who is doing something that offers less job satisfaction than what I am doing right now? Why does the queen need a parrot? Wouldn't a carrot be a better option?

He was crossing Shuktimati when a hawk spotted him. It swooped upon the parrot in the same way that hawks have swooped upon parrots throughout the course of history.

The hawk preyed. The parrot prayed. And then dropped the bundle.

But that is not the end of the story.

There was an apsara called Adrika. Some sources also refer to her as Girika.

[Note: Both words mean 'a small mountain'. Now stop snorting and get back to reading.]

Now, Adrika was loitering in the form of a fish across Shuktimati (such pastimes were considered quite commonplace in the era). The package dropped, releasing its contents.

Adrika swallowed the contents. And got pregnant.

[Note: If any female fish is into fellatio and is reading this post, beware. Not everything is explained by science.]

When the fishermen eventually caught Adrika and opened her up. Adrika, now killed, went back to perform her day job in heaven. The fishermen found twin siblings inside the fish. They took her to their king (called Das), who took her to Oops.

Das: We found these children inside a fish.
Oops: ... and your point being?
Das: They are your children.
Oops: Sounds convincing. The son is mine. Not the daughter.
Das: But they are twins. They must be born of the same father. That's logic.
Oops: I am the king.
Das: Fine.

So they came back. This girl was Satyavati. The boy, on the other hand, is rumoured to have founded Matsya (now in Chambal). This is the same Matsya where Yudi and his family took refuge under King Virat. That is completely another story.

[Note: it must be remembered that the story in Matsya included Yudi telling his only lie in the epic - an incident that usually goes unnoticed. The one regarding Ashwatthama was not a lie; at least the complete sentence was not.]

***

Tale Two: Shantanu's first marriage

The story begins with a king called Mahabhisha. He had probably achieved a lot in life (read: donated cattle to Brahmins), which is why he was granted entry to heaven. He was also granted all the cool perks - including Kamdhenu, Kalpataru, and Chintamani, all of which are meant to fulfill all your desires (why need all three, then?).

Mahabhisha was also eligible to attend Indra's court where all the cabarets were held. Ganga, the most worshipped river in India, was visiting the heavens, possibly for a refill.

Then there was a breeze (not the soap), and lo! Ganga's assets were revealed. Mahabhisha, unable to overcome his lust, stared a bit too shamelessly when the Gods looked at her with *cough cough* respect.

Indra summoned both Mahabhisha and Ganga to the interrogation chamber. One would assume that Ganga was properly clad before she went there, but then again, that is just an assumption.

Indra: MB, you have stared at this woman's breasts unashamedly.
Mahabhisha: What should I have done, O Lord?
Indra: Stared with respect.
Mahabhisha: How does one do that?
Indra: You should have noticed what I do.
Mahabhisha: One word. Ahalya.
Indra: Shut up. You will be banished from heaven and re-born as a man called Shantanu.
Mahabhisha: Big deal.
Indra: As for you, Ganga...
Ganga: Yes, My Lord?
Indra: You will be banished from heaven as well and will have to marry this Shantanu.
Mahabhisha: That is a punishment?
Ganga (winks at Mahabhisha): Seriously?
Indra: Yeah.
Mahabhisha: What's your IQ level, dude? 15?
Ganga: Do I get to keep my name?
Indra: Yes, you do.
Ganga: See you downstairs, then.
Mahabhisha (winks at Ganga): Yeah baby.

Pratip, king of Hastinapur, was sitting on a river bank and meditating and minding nobody's business. Given the location of the place one can safely assume that this river was Yamuna.

Suddenly Ganga arrived out of nowhere and sat on Pratip's right lap.

Pratip: What on Earth do you think you're doing?
Ganga: Are you blind?
Pratip: You know the LLW-RLD rule, right?
Ganga: Yes, I do. Left lap is for wife, right lap is for daughter.
Pratip: So you've come all this way to be adopted?
Ganga: Nope. I want to marry Shantanu.
Pratip: Who in the right frame of mind would want to marry Shantanu?
Ganga: I love him.
Pratip: You love him? Listen, I've got two other sons, Devapi and Vahlik.
Ganga: Nope, I need Shantanu.
Pratip: Suit yourself.

So Ganga went up to Shantanu.

Ganga (winks): Remember?
Shantanu: Now or after the wedding?
Ganga: After. But I have a condition.
Shantanu: Anything. Anything.
Ganga: You cannot ask me any question after the wedding. Any.
Shantanu: What about before?
Ganga: Shoot.
Shantanu: That day in heaven - was it intentional? It was such a mild breeze.
Ganga: I have dolphins to look after. Bye.

***

The revelation

Look at the family tree below. You have seldom seen anything like this. Conclusions welcome.

[Note: Yamuna was not necessary. I just put her in there because Bhaiphnota / Bhaidooj is approaching. I apologise, but I had to portray Kunti twice. I have shaded relevant characters in to make sure people notice them.]

I rest my point.