A woman with the potential to make it big. It is not that she cannot: she simply will not.
The closest anyone has come to being an adopted daughter.

Sunday, July 5, 2015

10 reasons I will die in Mumbai: No. 4 will blow your mind away!

Not really. I have no intention to die with vada paav as my last meal. This was just an attempt to click-bait you. If you have fallen for this, I do not pity you, for you are stupider than the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal.

This post will be a forced one, mostly written with the intention to resurrect my blog, which has not expressed any desire to die with something as obnoxious as vada paav appearing multiple times on its last post either. However, the attempt may be a feeble one.

Language update: I have learned that books are called pustak in Marathi. This is certainly a novelty for me, since Bengali, Hindi, and Sanskrit are the only other languages I know in which the word pustak is used for books. I got so excited when I got to know this that I added three books to my amazon wish-list and updated my friends about it. As you can see, all is well till they start selling pustak paav.

Amazon update: Talking of amazon, I am finally happy. When I land on ‘books’ I do not have to see The Scion of Ikshvaku banner anymore. Amish has used a name so fantastic that I cannot even make a pun on it. The book features a child Lakshman and an adult Ram, which is unfathomable, for Ramayana had taught me that Kaushalya and Sumitra had their kheer (*cough cough*) almost simultaneously. Anyway.

Book update: Talking of books, I read Gerald’s Game, a Stephen King novel that left me shaken (not literally) inside out at two in the morning and kept me awake till at least three despite the fact that it features a dog called Prince.

Fauna update: Talking of critters, the pigeon population of Navi Mumbai has increased tenfold over the past week. I am not exaggerating. It is time for the paav sellers to invest in pigeon paav, which will solve multiple problems at the same time.

Investment update: Talking of investments, I have made National Insurance Company Limited richer for the 15th year in succession. I hope some good comes out of this.

Health update: Talking of health, I have been told I do not lead a healthy lifestyle. Going to bed at three on a daily basis is apparently not the best of practises. But then, when do I get to read horror novels?

Horror update: Talking of horror, had called me at work (there were at least two witnesses) to ask whether I really wanted a babysitter. I tried my level best to convince them I did not, really or otherwise, but I do not think they were convinced. I suspected a ploy, but could not think of a proper reason.

Ploy update: Talking of ploys, a Bank XYZ representative tried to convince me to open a savings account with them. When I pointed out that I already have an XYZ savings account and there was probably an error in their database, XYZ told me that they were providing me with a savings account because my name had been shortlisted. I pointed out again that I already have an XYZ savings account. This confused the representative so much that she transferred it to her manager. I hung up.

Representative update: Talking of representatives, they singled me out to hand out leaflets featuring advertisements of health loss centres whenever I crossed Gariahat. I never blamed them. Things took a U-turn when a sincere-looking youth, probably around 25, offered me one with Mahesh Tutorials written over them outside Vashi Station. I probably look like a college student these days.

College student update: Talking of college students, CricketCountry is hiring interns. If you are interested in internships, are really active on social media, and can tell Shahid Afridi from MS Dhoni, send me an email at you-know-where. Chances are that you may end up getting paid for being on Twitter and Facebook all day, get to watch cricket at work, listen to Rameez Raja, and more. You will need to work out of the Vashi office.

That, my friends, is how you sneak in a free advertisement.

Cricket update: Talking of cricket, this is going to be my first Ashes in a newsroom, and for whatever reason I feel more pumped up than I was before the World Cup. As for the Australians, they ran into Jesse Ryder, who started his innings with 04464444, or in other words, 30 from the first 8 balls he faced. There is a reason why I rate him the most talented batsman I have seen. I am being honest.

Honesty update: Talking of honesty reminds me of Yudhisthir, which, in turn, reminds me of Gajendra Chauhan. When Anand Patwardhan (Google him) mentioned that Chauhan acted in ‘soft pornography’, the FTII Director was quick to point out that his movies were “certified adult films, not soft porn”.

Soft porn update: Talking of soft porn, the trailer of the new Madhur Bhandarkar movie* Calendar Girls indeed looks like one. It stars five or six scantily clad actresses I have probably never seen before, and I already know what the storyline. Fivefold. Or maybe sixfold. At least Corporate starred Bipasha Basu.

*The movie is new, not Mr Bhandarkar.

Movie update: Talking of movies, I got to see Inside Out, yet another Pixar masterpiece, all by myself (heh, heh). This is almost certainly the best Pixar movie since Toy Story 3. This also makes it the best since Nokia stopped making phones with QWERTY keypads. The only exception to this anti-QWERTY rule is Nokia Asha, which has as many features as Nokia 5110 sans the feel of a murder weapon.

Stop update: This is it.


  1. Going to bed at 3 is BAD
    Try 5.30/ 6 ish in the morning.
    Talking of morning, am off to sleep

    1. There's something in that piece of advice, you know. Let me think.

  2. I am now having second thoughts as to whether I should read Amish's new one.

    Speaking of things to do, if you haven't seen it already, might I suggest a movie called "Predestination"?

  3. Replies
    1. On language - There are more words than pustak that are common to Bangla Marathi and Sanskrit. Remember we spoke about Bangla - Shadhu bhasha vs Marathi cholit bhasha... ?

      On Amazon - I shall, of course, read The Scion of Ikshvaku

      On book, health and horror - did you read Puppeteers of Palem?

      On honesty - well...!

      On the rest - Okay!.

    2. Best of luck with The Scion of Iksvaku. Do let me know when you're back to civilisation.

  4. Talking of pao,

  5. Your performance is quite abysmal. A blog after a month??? I mean, which serious blogger does that? Anyway, I envy you for the Ashes thing, and I think (please take note of the spelling) is right. You really need a good babysitter who can make you do things on time so that you can dish out blogs regularly over here.

    1. I think you have a point. Multiple points, actually. :(

  6. Amish Pun: The sequel to The Scion of Ikshvaku will be called The Matunga of Ikshvaku. (Geddit, Mumbaikar?)

    (You can extend the pun: AmishT Puntooa!)

    1. * bangs head *

      Wait, can "bang" and "head" happen together?