Random things I dislike

Disclaimer:

This post has not been inspired by this blog, though I love every post on the blog that I can relate to.

Like all mortals, I too have my own dislikes (which may seriously hamper my ambition of being an immortal); the problem is, there are a few items on my list that most people find perfectly normal. I mean, everyone dislikes Videocon television sets, cars that say "this car is backing up" when they go backwards, insurance agents, peanut butter, the voice that says "your call is important to us" when I call up Customer Service, or people who think friendship bands are cool - which is the reason that these won't qualify.

What I'm talking about is things (or people) I dislike with a passion, while other people find them perfectly normal. The list is longer than what I had thought, but still, I guess I should be out with them.

1. The Melody King

I think it went like this: a senior-level management personnel of Eureka Forbes was lying idly in his bathtub, sipping to some Aquaguard water. He was probably humming a tune of sorts in the process. Suddenly he leaped out of the water, and ran shouted 'Eureka!' (shouting 'Forbes!' doesn't quite have the same impact.) as he ran naked along the streets.

That was how the concept of the tune that accompanies filling of bottles using an Aquaguard came into existence. I have resisted hitting the machine with a sledgehammer approximately a couple of thousand times (yes, I know how to turn the music off, but it starts every time I switch the machine on, and I have to turn it off manually).

2. The Fast-Food Chain Employee Training

When medium-scale fast food chains like Monginis and Arambagh's initiate their employees, they make them undergo several courses. The ones at the top of these courses are called

- Smearing Two-Thirds the Paper Plate with Tomato Ketchup before You Actually Put the Food Item on it (ST2P2TKYAPFI), and

- Pouring Copious Amounts of a Brown Powder of Horrible Taste on the Food Item Without Asking the Customer (PCABPHTFIWAC).

It's not about customer satisfaction or dissatisfaction. It's about ignoring the customer completely.

3. Ravi Shastri's Kolkata Affair

The renaming of Calcutta just over a decade back was a watershed moment in Ravi Shastri's career. The Master of Cliches was possibly bored of pronouncing the city 'Calcutta' the way mortals like us do. Once the name was changed, he decided to take things in his own hands and calling it - with the confidence that so defines him - KOLKOTA.

No cricket match at Eden Gardens is complete without Shastri's voice booming over the microphone - NOMOSHKAR KOLKOTA!

4. The Informative Callers

In the age of cellphones, dropping of lines is perhaps a regular activity; it happens to all of us. The interesting people are those who call back after the line gets disconnected, and provide the most valuable bit of information possible: "the line got disconnected".

5. The Masters of the Adjective 

The English language has its limitations. Yes, the conservatives will of course shudder when they come across redundant adjectives, but some people are too keen on improving the language to such an extent that they use the adjectives irrespective of whether they're relevant. Yes, I know that they make a conscious effort to beautify the language.

Examples are 'free gift', 'two equal halves', or 'very unique'.

6. The Bottle-Cap Men: Communists or Statisticians?

By 2013, 99% Indian households have adapted themselves to the act of storing water as their second religion. Now, the general practice is to remove the bottles on a table in a line with their caps placed in a huddle elsewhere.

Now, once the filling bit is put out of the way, some people - presumably communists (my presumption may be wrong) assigns the caps randomly. They possibly think that it's a neat idea to assign bottle-caps randomly. May the Almighty's blessings be with them.

To make things clearer, I will provide pictorial evidence. This is how I place the bottle-caps:

On the other hand, this is how they place the bottle-caps:

On hindsight: these people may actually be statisticians as well, trying their hearts out to solve problems like these.

7. The Text Message Retainers

Txt msgs hv chngd da wrld, spcly India, in da 21st cntry. Dey hv imprvd cmnctn 2 a gr8 extnt, n hv brght da cntry 2gthr in a vry shrt span of tym.

Sm ppl r so hpy wid dis rvltn dat dey dnt wnt 2 del da msgs frm da mbl phn. Dey rck.

8. The Desktop Populators
There were those MS-DOS based monstrosities that came into our lives in the 1990s. And then, they were replaced by a really cool thing - called Windows, which made people dislike Bill Gates and make politically incorrect jokes about why he named his company Microsoft.

This is how I want my desktop to be like (always). A minimalist's approach, basically. Simple living and high thinking. Boring, drab, and colourless.

Picture courtesy: the internet

Obviously, the great minds do not share my utter disdain towards plenty. They live lives King Size, believe in bigger numbers, can handle more complications in life, and believe in the organised glitz that play an instrumental part to elevate them to the next level.

This is what their cool desktops look like. Colourful, smart, suave, chic, and happening. A work of art, if there was one.

Picture courtesy: the internet

Every country needs its icons. And so does every desktop.

9. The lingering finger grease
Kentucky Fried Chicken, that all-conquering chain founded by Colonel Harland David Saunders, had taken Kolkata by storm over the past decade or so - chiefly by adding a vegetarian thali on their menu and removing the classic recipe items.

They claim that their food is 'finger-licking good', which is true. What they do not mention is the fact that however you suck, lick, and perform other activities on your finger, the grease just would not go unless you use tap water. The wash basin, obviously, is located at the farthest corner of the joint.

I guess KFC actually wants us to take the walk to make sure that we burn down the extra calories consumed. It must have worked at some point of time for some ancient Americans, so it makes perfect sense to stretch the measure to 21st century Indians as well.

10. The generous lemonisers
For every group of people who go out for a meal together, there exists a grouplet that orders a plate of kababs. Each plate of kababs in an average Indian restaurant comes accompanied by one or more slices of lemon, along with other things.

Now, for every such grouplet mentioned above, there always exists a person who picks up the lemon slice (s), and with a triumphant look on his / her face squeezes the slice (s) and soaks the kabab pieces in lemon-juice with the confidence with which a pomfret consumes pomfret-food - without seeking the consent of the others.

These people do have a big heart. Yes, I know that there may be others in the grouplet that do not like lemon smeared on their kababs, but then, these helpful individuals always have the bigger picture in mind: they read up articles like this one, and do whatever they want to with the interest of mankind in their hearts.

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There are more, but I do not really feel like adding to this list with a splitting headache. I will be back, though.