The rosy menu

The third planet of the Solar System is rather intriguing. It's unbelievable that people from ethnic backgrounds so diverse exist on the same blue-green orb simultaneously. Most singular, though, is a certain country in Asia - one that hasn't attacked another country for a couple of thousand years; one that worships immortal apes; one that had invented the zero and had produced The Kama Sutra; and above all, one that has allowed Fardeen Khan a career in acting.

The eastern sector of the country is somewhat less glamorous, having just a single city of somewhat fame. At the north-eastern bounds of this city lies a recently developed region called Rajarhat. This sector, though not reputed as a tourist attraction, has hidden in its nooks one of the most spectacular locations ever: Hotel Rose.

Unlike other restaurants, Hotel Rose is not renowned for its food. It's the menu that draws the attraction of the spectator. Even if you're not a cryptic clue connoisseur it will leave you reeling: the sheer mystique draws you in more magically than a Dan Brown thriller. And unlike the 600-odd pages of Dan Brown novels, the masterpiece is laid out in just two pages.

(A special note of thanks to Atanu for letting me use his pictures.)

Let us go through the items one by one:

• Sunbeej: Someone tried to convince me that these are basically sandwiches. I have my doubts. Beej, as we know, is the Sanskrit/Bangla/Hindi for seed. I'm not sure of this, but my guess is the term means sunflower seeds. So these are basically vegetable, chicken or egg, cooked with sunflower seeds.
• Momo - 4 PCs with Sup One Ball: Of course, people not only dine there, they also sup. So, everyone who goes for four pieces of momo for breakfast gets to sup as well: and the supper is, well, the menu entry says it all.
• Fried Chicken Bon 2 PCs: Bon, of course, is the French for "good" (examples are bon appétit and bon voyage). This is one of the easier translations, then. There must be relatively inferior version of fried chicken on the menu as well, but I couldn't find it.
• Cossa: As we know, cossa is the Punjabi for warm (meetha hai cossa hai, baarish ka bosa hai - remember?). The rest is self-explanatory (iust for the sake of it, bosa is Arabic for a kiss... oh, the magic of Gulzar!).
• 2Pega: This one is easy: the kind of food item you have with exactly two pegs of liquor; no more, no less.
• Bhona: Just another term for that extremely popular food product - bhuna.
• Dhinakhely: In fond remembrance of Dodi Al Fayed. Khely, as we know, is Bengali for I play with.  And Dodi, as we all know, must have addressed The Princess Diana as Dhai-na, just as Bob Christo has taught us over the decades.
• Rajala: This, of course, is the prelude to the greatest item on the menu, or in other words, the King of the Menu. One bite at rajala, and the eater gets turned on, and asks for The King: Raja La.
• Motton: Lump. A rarely used slang.
• Moton: Motton, mis-spelled. An unfortunate typo.
• Moton Bhoukra: An item made from any species that used to bark, before they were slaughtered.
• Moton Amrasari: Items that are not available. The Tamil waiter turns up and apologises in Bengali: amra sari (we're sorry).
• Govi: A tribute to Govinda. They used just an affectionate abbreviation.
• Plen rice: A plen, of course, is a remote-controlled or bluetooth-controlled miniature robot. Now figure out what plen rice means.
• Pise pulao: A tribute to the old pice hotels in Kolkata. They haven't apologised for the spelling error.
• Khuski pulao: Dandruff rice. A delicacy.
• Dall: Dall, of course, is a species of sheep.
• Dall Amreshri: A lamb preparation; a tribute paid to Amrish Puri, presumably.
• Dall Manjara: Manjari, as we know, means a collection of flowers (Tagore had famously used it to talk about mango flowers acting as a diversion for lost travellers). Manjara, of course, is a male flower, the one with only an androecium. A lamb preparation, again.
• Plan: Worried? Broken relationship? Erectile dysfunction? Health issues? Financial crisis? Forced to watch a Fardeen Khan movie? Do not worry: just ask for a plan from a Hotel Rose waiter, at the unbelievable rate of five rupees. THAT cheap.
• Plan, Butter, Chilli and Kashmiri Nuns: These pious ladies accompany you for meals at an unbelievably low rate: they represent intelligence, softness, spice and beauty - the four factors one seeks in a woman. Go for your pick.
• Meshi: The manager brings with him a nubile goddess of love. She comes up to the customer, but is too shy to seek permission. The manager then asks "may she?". Wow. The subtlety.

• Chicken, Fish, Motton or Veg Combo Milk: Chicken and milk; fish and milk; and so on.
• Chinies: A phonetic take on genius. Phenomenal displays of culinary skills, these.
• Monchuren: Taste so good, it will steal your mind.
• Babicon: This is actually a question. Middle-aged men are allowed to go up to groups of college girls and asks this question. There's a price tag on questions this naughty, though.
• Sejowwan: You pay up, and shout "say jawaan!". The contribution goes to The Indian Army. The extra W is for numerology.
• Mixed Greavy Chow: An alcoholic beverage. Check for yourself. Not sure how well it would go with noodles.
• America Chapsi Mixed: Poor Yanks. They came here in a group. Were captivated. Slaughtered. Thoroughly mixed to eradicate all ethnic factors. Served on a platter.
• Veg America Chapsi: Same as above, only those who checked Y in the VEGETARIAN Y/N option before they were slaughtered.
• Shoup: Soup served to keep everyone quiet. Sh-h-h-h-h-h-houp.
• Hottensouer: Named after brother of Beckenbauer, former German soccer captain and coach.
• Monchu: Monchuren (see above) served when it's not raining.
• Chicken Lali Poli: What the British and French had when they tried to usurp Constantinople during the First World War, and failed subsequently. More details here.
• Chicken Bara Kabab: No comments.

***

Edit: Using Google maps, the location can be easily reached: 22.574038°N, 88.479858°E. Check here.