Monday, February 7, 2011

The rosy menu

The third planet of the Solar System is rather intriguing. It's unbelievable that people from ethnic backgrounds so diverse exist on the same blue-green orb simultaneously. Most singular, though, is a certain country in Asia - one that hasn't attacked another country for a couple of thousand years; one that worships immortal apes; one that had invented the zero and had produced The Kama Sutra; and above all, one that has allowed Fardeen Khan a career in acting.

The eastern sector of the country is somewhat less glamorous, having just a single city of somewhat fame. At the north-eastern bounds of this city lies a recently developed region called Rajarhat. This sector, though not reputed as a tourist attraction, has hidden in its nooks one of the most spectacular locations ever: Hotel Rose.

Unlike other restaurants, Hotel Rose is not renowned for its food. It's the menu that draws the attraction of the spectator. Even if you're not a cryptic clue connoisseur it will leave you reeling: the sheer mystique draws you in more magically than a Dan Brown thriller. And unlike the 600-odd pages of Dan Brown novels, the masterpiece is laid out in just two pages.

(A special note of thanks to Atanu for letting me use his pictures.)


Let us go through the items one by one:
  • Sunbeej: Someone tried to convince me that these are basically sandwiches. I have my doubts. Beej, as we know, is the Sanskrit/Bangla/Hindi for seed. I'm not sure of this, but my guess is the term means sunflower seeds. So these are basically vegetable, chicken or egg, cooked with sunflower seeds.
  • Momo - 4 PCs with Sup One Ball: Of course, people not only dine there, they also sup. So, everyone who goes for four pieces of momo for breakfast gets to sup as well: and the supper is, well, the menu entry says it all.
  • Fried Chicken Bon 2 PCs: Bon, of course, is the French for "good" (examples are bon appétit and bon voyage). This is one of the easier translations, then. There must be relatively inferior version of fried chicken on the menu as well, but I couldn't find it.
  • Cossa: As we know, cossa is the Punjabi for warm (meetha hai cossa hai, baarish ka bosa hai - remember?). The rest is self-explanatory (iust for the sake of it, bosa is Arabic for a kiss... oh, the magic of Gulzar!).
  • 2Pega: This one is easy: the kind of food item you have with exactly two pegs of liquor; no more, no less.
  • Bhona: Just another term for that extremely popular food product - bhuna.
  • Dhinakhely: In fond remembrance of Dodi Al Fayed. Khely, as we know, is Bengali for I play with.  And Dodi, as we all know, must have addressed The Princess Diana as Dhai-na, just as Bob Christo has taught us over the decades.
  • Rajala: This, of course, is the prelude to the greatest item on the menu, or in other words, the King of the Menu. One bite at rajala, and the eater gets turned on, and asks for The King: Raja La.
  • Motton: Lump. A rarely used slang.
  • Moton: Motton, mis-spelled. An unfortunate typo.
  • Moton Bhoukra: An item made from any species that used to bark, before they were slaughtered.
  • Moton Amrasari: Items that are not available. The Tamil waiter turns up and apologises in Bengali: amra sari (we're sorry).
  • Govi: A tribute to Govinda. They used just an affectionate abbreviation.
  • Plen rice: A plen, of course, is a remote-controlled or bluetooth-controlled miniature robot. Now figure out what plen rice means.
  • Pise pulao: A tribute to the old pice hotels in Kolkata. They haven't apologised for the spelling error.
  • Khuski pulao: Dandruff rice. A delicacy.
  • Dall: Dall, of course, is a species of sheep.
  • Dall Amreshri: A lamb preparation; a tribute paid to Amrish Puri, presumably.
  • Dall Manjara: Manjari, as we know, means a collection of flowers (Tagore had famously used it to talk about mango flowers acting as a diversion for lost travellers). Manjara, of course, is a male flower, the one with only an androecium. A lamb preparation, again.
  • Plan: Worried? Broken relationship? Erectile dysfunction? Health issues? Financial crisis? Forced to watch a Fardeen Khan movie? Do not worry: just ask for a plan from a Hotel Rose waiter, at the unbelievable rate of five rupees. THAT cheap.
  • Plan, Butter, Chilli and Kashmiri Nuns: These pious ladies accompany you for meals at an unbelievably low rate: they represent intelligence, softness, spice and beauty - the four factors one seeks in a woman. Go for your pick.
  • Meshi: The manager brings with him a nubile goddess of love. She comes up to the customer, but is too shy to seek permission. The manager then asks "may she?". Wow. The subtlety.
  • Chicken, Fish, Motton or Veg Combo Milk: Chicken and milk; fish and milk; and so on.
  • Chinies: A phonetic take on genius. Phenomenal displays of culinary skills, these.
  • Monchuren: Taste so good, it will steal your mind.
  • Babicon: This is actually a question. Middle-aged men are allowed to go up to groups of college girls and asks this question. There's a price tag on questions this naughty, though.
  • Sejowwan: You pay up, and shout "say jawaan!". The contribution goes to The Indian Army. The extra W is for numerology.
  • Mixed Greavy Chow: An alcoholic beverage. Check for yourself. Not sure how well it would go with noodles.
  • America Chapsi Mixed: Poor Yanks. They came here in a group. Were captivated. Slaughtered. Thoroughly mixed to eradicate all ethnic factors. Served on a platter.
  • Veg America Chapsi: Same as above, only those who checked Y in the VEGETARIAN Y/N option before they were slaughtered.
  • Shoup: Soup served to keep everyone quiet. Sh-h-h-h-h-h-houp.
  • Hottensouer: Named after brother of Beckenbauer, former German soccer captain and coach.
  • Monchu: Monchuren (see above) served when it's not raining.
  • Chicken Lali Poli: What the British and French had when they tried to usurp Constantinople during the First World War, and failed subsequently. More details here.
  • Chicken Bara Kabab: No comments.

***

Edit: Using Google maps, the location can be easily reached: 22.574038°N, 88.479858°E. Check here.

53 comments:

  1. Abhishek, eta just hote pare na! Etogulo bhool banaan aekshathe ki kore hoy? Ki kore?

    These are killers jodio:
    # Moton Bhoukra: An item made from any species that used to bark, before they were slaughtered.
    # Moton Amrasari: Items that are not available. The Tamil waiter turns up apologises in Bengali: amra sari (we're sorry).

    The dictionary is MUCH appreciated.

    ReplyDelete
  2. ektu jodi spelling mistake ta katiye dish, tailey du akta positive byapar ache kichu menu tar bhetore !!

    Osombhob non-veg menu, with lots of varieties.

    Quite low cost (0.2 * Any Mumbai Dokan)

    Free home delivery

    Best of the lot "Gajar er Halwa Free" :D

    Akta jinis jiges korish toe, hotel er naam ta ki every month change korey kina. Feb e rose, March e Jinia etc types !!

    ReplyDelete
  3. 1. The most interesting info is: Almost none of the items in the menu are available here! If you go and ask, they always reply "today our cook is not here" (or something sort of).

    2. Though, Atanu Samanta does his lunch here, regularly.

    3. There are too many mention of Fardeen Khan in your blog. I am sure no other URL contains this many time mention of him as your blog does. Please try to bring some variation.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Arjun: Why?
    Rimi: This is real; seriously. I shallt try to provide a location on Google Maps.
    Amitava: Dekhbo.
    Tamal: Fardeen Khan is an integral part of my life. Mane, jake bole ongangibhabe jorito.

    ReplyDelete
  5. pete khil dhoriye dile :D thank you!!!

    ReplyDelete
  6. আমার এক্ষুনি Hottensouer খেতে ইচ্ছে করছে :(

    (কী শক্ত বানান বাপরে বাপ! টাইপ করতে গিয়ে ৩ বার scroll করে ওপরে যেতে হল।)

    ReplyDelete
  7. Because I didn't like this article..

    ReplyDelete
  8. This is your best since 'Oh for a normal birth' which was the best since maine pyaar kiya: an exercise in hypothesis testing.

    ReplyDelete
  9. The restaurant reminds me Rajnikanth! Damn sure they are Rajni-fans!! The menu contains few hints..
    1. "Sunbeej"- we all know "Sun TV" is a famous production group in south, they produced latest Rajni flick Robot.

    2. "Cossa"- The mentioned song is from "Guru"..Manirathnam..never worked with Rajnikanth..(negatively related)

    3. "Govi"- He worked with Govinda in "Hum".
    4. "2pega"- Pega=peg (probably the way he pronounces) Remember "Chhalbaaz".



    Cool topic..cool post..Thank you!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Oshadharon!!

    What could possibly be motton combo milk??
    How about Shoup? Jhups e boshe chup kore soup khao, naki?

    ReplyDelete
  11. khushki polao ta actually ki ? kono idea ?

    ReplyDelete
  12. Aryyada: Rajarhat, close to Unitech Infospace.
    Anonymous: Khuska pulao (Google it).

    ReplyDelete
  13. Google map-e laga. Ekbar giye khete hochhe!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Awesome Abishekda..... It actually surfaces one similar aspect between the author and the script, both are extremely creative in their own field.....

    ReplyDelete
  15. eta ami bohu age dekhechhilam, courtsey amrita... ekhon erokom ekta duronto dictionary dekhe apluto holem:)

    ReplyDelete
  16. fardeen ke eber baad din dada
    onno kichhu khan..bajare aro koto kichhu achhe


    menu ta aagei dekhechhilam.
    kintu interpretation ta besh mojar..:)

    ReplyDelete
  17. No comments... asadharon hoechhe could not stop bursting into laughter as I pass each of the items in the menu :D.
    We should thank the author of the menu who has given a good laugh to a number of people

    ReplyDelete
  18. Osadharon. Giye proti-ta dish khete ichha korchhe. Eto sob impressive jaader naam, kheteo nischoi daarun hobe. :)

    ReplyDelete
  19. :D sottyi asombhob menu ! :D

    ReplyDelete
  20. Yes, the laugh attack did come along with a warm fondness for the spirited non-whiners on the margins trying very hard to make peace with big bad globalization. The menu is as intriguing as your introduction and clarifications. Speaking of Dan Brown, I wonder if Robert Langdon would've gone anywhere with this. This also reminds me of Ezekiel's poem "Irani Restaurant Instructions" (it's quoted here http://www.timeoutmumbai.net/food/eating_out_details.asp?code=442&source=3) I wonder if Hotel Rose has cabins and whether people "make mischiefs?" :D

    ReplyDelete
  21. Ami besh koekbar kheachi ai khane.
    Kom khoroch e pet bhoranor bhalo jaiga...
    tobe tomar descriptions gulo darun....
    [:)]

    ReplyDelete
  22. [:O] Fardeen Khan "ongangibhabe jorito" !!!

    ReplyDelete
  23. menu lekhok 10% discoount diechhilo owner ke :)

    ReplyDelete
  24. Now, we understand how intelligent the manager of Hotel Rose is, this is a new way to get popular. Everyone should go there once.....:)

    ReplyDelete
  25. ABOUT FREE GAJAR HALUA: Abhishek hope you know about GAJA the G-Factor.......when I and indramouli went there first time, we asked for this special free service...they told that they met an accident while preparing that. So no free for that day.......:D :D :D :D

    ReplyDelete
  26. Hi Abhishek,
    I just wanted to invite you to the indiblogger meet happening in your city after 2 years at
    CII
    DC-36, Sector - 1, Salt Lake City
    Kolkata - 700 064
    Landmark: Behind City Centre.
    Only 200 seats available. Entry is free with loads of fun. Click here to register = http://www.indiblogger.in/bloggermeet.php?id=113 . See you there!

    ReplyDelete
  27. take me on a date there. multiple dates, daily, rose rose, lol:D

    ReplyDelete
  28. I have an out of context question, just couldn't find your email id, forgive me for that.

    Why is sunshine's blog deceptively observant? I get the observant part, but deceptive? :)

    sunshine-herself

    ReplyDelete
  29. Sunshine:
    Why observant? Because you observe a lot.
    Why deceptively observant? Because you start off in a fashion that you're a non-entity in a crowd, observing nothing at all, you're just one in a crowd. Then come the vivid observations and subtle descriptions.

    It feels strange, writing this here. Please email me at ovshake@gmail.com if you want to write anything not related to this post.

    ReplyDelete
  30. just menu ta portei bar bar jaowa jay :D

    ReplyDelete
  31. Ei bishoy ta khub bhalo lageni
    Interpretation ta majar

    ReplyDelete
  32. ai laabh thees powst - cimply delishous!

    ReplyDelete
  33. I am also a sign-tist, and here's my collection:

    http://deponti.livejournal.com/tag/signboard

    and my friend Rohit Girotra, promptly ruined my working day by sending me the link to your post. I was conducting a phone interview at the time and couldn't resist clicking on the link, and my interviewee now thinks I'm rude, or mad, or both, to be laughing suddenly...

    Onek dhonnobaad....one baitu kapi (find out what that is!) is on me, if ever we meet.

    Even the word verification was Bangali...it asked me to type "bacha"!...key bachabe, taa jaani na!


    Deepa Mohan.

    ReplyDelete
  34. @Deepa: No idea how to reach you, but WHAT ON EARTH IS A BAITU KAPI? A coffee shared by two?

    ReplyDelete
  35. I am m o h a n d e e p a at g m a i l dot beshi.

    Yeggjackly. You heet the nale on tha hade! It is a very common phrase, here in Bangalore. We have all-fractions kapi; I have heard "fivebyeight" being ordered unblushingly!

    ReplyDelete
  36. This post was injurious to my health, ribs and sides. OW dammit!

    ReplyDelete
  37. Rib-tickling! Is the menu card up for auction?

    ReplyDelete
  38. Unbelievable!! The singular purpose of eliciting a questioningly puzzled tone before a dawning comprehension. Aha!! :-)

    So perfectly contorted that it could have seemed almost deliberate! :-)

    ReplyDelete
  39. Comment ta post korei dekhlam, aamio praay oi menu lekhoker moto hoye gechhi:) Comment ki kore delete kora jaay, setai khnuje pelam na, taai ei corrigendum:

    Amazing! Chair theke praay porei jachchhilam :) Erakam moni mukto bohu jaygay chhoriye chhitiye aachhe, kintu ek jaygay eto kichhur somahar ei prothom baar dekhlam :) Ebong etao kheyal korlam je tumi jegulo mention korechho, taar baireo onek kichhui aachhe :) Khub sundor interpretation, moja laglo. Aar Fardeen Khan tomar kon paka dhaan-e moi diyechhen, janina...tobe besh ekta amlo-madhur (naki sudhu amlo?)somporko, bujhtei parchhi :)

    ReplyDelete
  40. @Devjani: Tor ager commentta delete kore diyechhi. Kintu ami jegulo mention korechhi shegulo bad diye ar ki achhe, please bol!

    ReplyDelete
  41. hahaahahahahahaahahahaah... must visit this place before dying! ;)

    ReplyDelete
  42. "a certain country... one that has allowed Fardeen Khan a career in acting.."

    Well, we can take pride in the fact that we allow Chetan Bhagat a career in writing too!

    ReplyDelete
  43. I need to visit this place! Now!!

    ReplyDelete
  44. I couldn't stop laughing for full 5 minutes ... I HAVE to go to hotel rose

    ReplyDelete
  45. Can't believe I've missed this post before. Can we go there, together, some time? Please?

    ReplyDelete
  46. Could not stop laughing, and forever lost all appetite for Khushka Polao. Superb!

    ReplyDelete
  47. Have been meaning to come back here and comment on this post for a very long time.... couldn't just stop laughing... will have to go to this place someday

    ReplyDelete
  48. Incredible..have been rolling in laughter. The research work was extensive and introspective
    Plan: Worried? Broken relationship? Erectile dysfunction? Health issues? Financial crisis? Forced to watch a Fardeen Khan movie? Do not worry: just ask for a plan from a Hotel Rose waiter, at the unbelievable rate of five rupees. THAT cheap.
    Plan, Butter, Chilli and Kashmiri Nuns: These pious ladies accompany you for meals at an unbelievably low rate: they represent intelligence, softness, spice and beauty - the four factors one seeks in a woman. Go for your pick.:):):)can't stop.

    ReplyDelete

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