Panchasati / panchakanya: some serious research

As a Sanskrit shlok (which, given my limited memory, I obviously do not recall word-by-word) goes:
Remembering the five satis destroys the greatest of sins.

The Panchasati have also been referred to as Panchakanya; they basically stand for The Five Virgins, and are typically called so because, er, they were not virgins at all, and had multiple coital partners in their lives. This is probably akin to calling Fardeen Khan an actor because he cannot act, but then, we have seen stranger things in life.

The Panchasati were cool people. They apparently slept with multiple people because the society had decreed them to, not out of their own will. What the epics do not lay stress on is the fact that they had not explicitly refused to sleep with the illustrious males, and presumably found the pleasure women typically find out of the acts.

It's quite amazing how they got to sleep with multiple men and then got credited for doing so. How things have changed since then!

Let us have a look at the Quintet, then, one by one:

Ahalya:

The word ahalya literally means one who has not been ploughed. Alas, she did not live up to her name. as the ploughs did come along her way. Brahma, creator of the Universe of the famous lotus-seat fame, complete with four heads, gifted this perfect beauty to a sage called Gautam to keep her safe (!).

Gautam, the incredible celibate hero that he was, "protected" the most attractive women of the era from the eyes (and other organs) of the world. Brahma was so astonished by Gautam's amazing self-control that at the end of the testing phase he gifted him with Ahalya herself as his spouse. Go figure.

What was going through Ahalya's mind at this point of time?

Damn, won't he do it, just this once? Once? Tonight? Not even tonight? What do I do - smear goat-milk-butter on my skin? What turns him on? Does he even freaking realise he is turning down Miss Universe?

Good - so now I'm being handed back. The Nerd will be getting a prize of some sort and I will finally finally be assigned to someone who will want to perform. Hang on - nooooooooooooooooooooooo!

However, Ahalya herself was not the only one who was crestfallen at this handover. Indra, the king of Gods, the powerful Indra, the one who would probably penetrate his way through the entire female population of the living world, had set his eye on this perfect lady. Even after the wedding, Indra did not give up on this woman of desires.

The incredible string of events that followed was more or less like this: once, when Gautam was out, Indra came disguised as Gautam. There are two versions of what followed:

1. Ahalya saw through the disguise; she still asked Indra to get over with it quickly and leave at the earliest.

2. Ahalya did not see through the disguise; however, she did not show surprise of any kind at her otherwise reluctant husband coming back to have a rubbing-of-privates hour during office hours and accepted that it was, indeed, Gautam himself.

Whatever happened was anybody's guess, but Gautam, given the powerful sage that he was, got to know everything. After he was through with his telepathic voyeurism, he walked into his cottage and cursed Ahalya (he also cursed Indra and apparently to have him castrated temporarily).

Ahalya turned into a rock. Some say that she lived a life of celibacy and penance (what was she doing differently anyway?). She lay there and rocked for many, many years. It was only after Ram came along and touched her with his foot that she got back to normal; and promptly resumed a conjugal life with Gautam.

Summary:

Character name: Ahalya

Partners: 2 (Gautam and Indra; Ram's footjob doesn't count)

Desirability quotients as partner:

Coitus timeline:

Draupadi:

Draupaudi was another story altogether. Unlike the contemporary appeal of Ahalya, Draupadi remains possibly the most desired woman of all time. One look at her and any man could have gone weak in his knees. Men have killed for her. The fiercest war of all time was waged over her. Despite her sharing of five husbands, she remained desirable to each and every of them for an entire lifetime.

Draupadi fell during the mahaprasthan because she had desired Arjun more than his brothers (though she was supposed to love all of them equally, for whatever reason). True, Arjun was the one who had won her over at her swayamvar. However, Kunti and Krishna's diplomatic brains soon realised that the unity of the five brothers depended a lot on Draupadi; she was, after all, neighbour's envy and owner's pride.

So they decided to marry her off to all five. They will have to take turns to remain her bed-partner. In the first year (which was Yudhishthir's), Arjun was famously exiled for twelve years as he stepped inside when Yudhishthir and Draupadi were, well, not fully covered, thereby failing to adhere to the existing conditions.

Take a moment to look at the entire incident from Arjun's point of view: you win the most sensuous, most desired maiden of all times; you have to forego her for two years before you get a chance (that too, after Bheem's year, after which she would have required months to recover). I would not be surprised if Arjun had actually chosen exile.

Take another moment to note the number of years of exile: twelve. It had to be a number divisible by 1, 2, 3 and 4 to stop the calculations getting messed up, right?

Draupadi had two additional men in her life as well. Karna, whom she had apparently desired but could never gain access to (well, perhaps after they had all reached heaven); and Krishna, with whom she was "just friends" in true Bollywood fashion. We will not include them in this research, though.

So, after the twelve years of Arjun's exile, Draupadi continued to have his partners in the order YBANS, once every pentade. The agyatvas year in the Matsya Kingdom probably resulted in Droppy going through a one-year celibacy, but there were bigger things at stake.

Summary:

Character name: Draupadi

Partners: 5 (Yudhishthir, Bheem, Arjun, Nakul, Sahadeb)

Desirability quotients as partner:

Coitus timeline (during Arjun's exile):

Coitus timeline (after Arjun's exile):

Kunti:

Kunti continues to remain one of the shrewdest characters The Greatest Epic that has ever been. Volumes have been written on the role she had played to shape the politics of Hastinapur (I intend to do a write-up some day). However, this is merely a tribute to her satiism and her achievements in turning one of the most unexpected boons to her benefits.

You normally do not associate Durvasa with boons, but on that one occasion Kunti had managed to satisfy (how?) the great sage to such an extent that he showered his blessings on the virgin: she should be able to call any God whenever she felt like.

Kunti did not take Durvasa at face value. As soon as the sage left, Kunti took one look at the sky above her and called Surya. The Sun God appeared in a dazzling display of light; even Gods could not keep away from showing off those days, you see. It's for a reason that Surya went on to become a brand of tubelights and bulbs.

Kunti could have asked for anything - anything - something like a set of golden bangles or a Whateveram sari or the latest in apsara fashion; instead, she decided to keep quiet. Surya told her that he was in a hurry, so a quick steamy session was the best he could offer. Kunti (poor girl, she was so, so unwilling to have coitus with a God and yet had to; my heart goes out to her) kept quiet.

It was over quickly. The presence of Surya meant that things were heated up already, so it didn't take a while. Karna was conceived, and duly put in a basket and disposed off.

Meanwhile, Pandu, in the merry joy of adolescence, had killed a pair of mating deer; it turned out that it was a sage and his wife at it, fulfilling their fantasies of cervine (not canine) sex. The sage, before dying, told an utterly perplexed Pandu that he would die the moment he attempted coitus.

Pandu still got married. Twice. Beat that.

After years of celibacy, Pandu was petrified of dying without a son; he confided his fear in Kunti. He told her to go ahead and try one of the sages. She pretended horror in the beginning, but then, after a lot of pleading, she realised that she would have to do it. She must have heard stories of Vyas from her mother-in-law Ambalika, and did not have a choice.

She had to tell Pandu about her boon, but obviously did not tell him about the Karna bit. Pandu heard about the boon, completely believed the fact that she did not sleep with any of the Gods despite the fact that he had to lead a life of celibacy and she had every chance to break hers - that too with a God.

He asked her to call Dharma. It was all done very religiously. It was possibly missionary as well.

He asked for Paban next. It was a whirlwind thing involving a lot of airy incidents. I just hope that not a lot of gas was passed.

When Pandu asked Kunti a third time, she made her own choice. Perhaps she had read of Ahalya and Indra and had fantasies all along: Indra was invoked, and what followed was truly regal. Which is possibly why Arjun remained Kunti's favourite son, and is the only one repeatedly referred to as Partha.

Summary:

Character name: Kunti

Partners: 4 (Surya, Dharma, Paban, Indra) with a special reference to Pandu

Desirability quotients as partner:

Coitus timeline:

Tara:

Tara, unlike the other four, was always referred to as Tara the Wise. It's remarkably interesting - the roles Indra (and sometimes Surya) had to play in the lives of the satis. Tara had two partners in her life - Baali (the son of Indra) and Sugrib (the son of Surya).

Tara's chronology was simple: she was married to Baali. They made a fine couple - Baali the invincible and Tara the wise. She often helped her husband in administrative matters. Sugrib, meanwhile, was married to Ruma.

Then, one fine morning, Baali and Sugrib went out to fight a demon called Mayabi. They struck a deal as Mayabi entered a cave: Sugrib would remain in guard outside the cave while Baali would chase Mayabi inside.

Things did not, however, go according to plan. Sugrib was petrified by a continuous flow of mysterious, gory sounds that came his way from inside the cave. When the sounds did not stop, he played monkey business, and placed a few heavy, apparently immovable boulders at the entrance of the cave and fled.

He came back, announced Baali's death, and married Tara and led an enviable bigamous life. Needless to mention, Baali was not happy when he ultimately killed Mayabi, removed the heavy boulders and returned to find the proceedings.

Sugrib actually tried to explain things, but given the circumstances, it was as uphill a task as Himmesh Reshammiya's attempts to prove that he can sing. So he fled. Baali not only re-acquired Tara, but also took possession of Ruma.

Sugrib, after some time, came back aided with the assurance of Ram and got Baali killed. Once again Tara changed hands (along with Ruma), and this time the transfer was permanent. Sugrib was accused of being "too much into Tara" when Lakshman came to remind him of his duty; a tipsy Tara stepped into the scene to cool Lakshman using her charms, but that is another story.

Summary:

Character name: Tara

Partners: 2 (Baali, Sugrib)

Desirability quotients as partner:

Coitus timeline:

Mandodari:

Of the quintet, Mandodari had perhaps the least spectacular of careers. She led a simple life. She got married to Raavan (and was well-reputed for being the only one to live up to the great man's carnal desires), did her level best to stop Raavan in her pursuit of Sita and, well, with the death of Raavan, had to marry Vibhishan, had the greatest career drop in the two epics combined.

Curiously enough, Indra had a role to play in her life as well. Raavan was a long-time adversary of Indra, and their son Meghnad was renamed Indrajit after he vanquished Indra.

Like Tara, Mandodari's husband was also slain by Ram, and she too ended up marrying her husband's younger brother. She had one installment of each brother, though, unlike Tara's two.

Summary:
Character name: Mandodari
Partners: 2 (Raavan, Vibhishan)
Desirability quotients as partner:

Coitus timeline:

Disclaimer: Please ignore the bits where the graphs intersect. They should not have. I am aware of this. Pardon my limited knowledge of Microsoft Excel.