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Tuesday, October 2, 2012

The Kolkata Maid Conspiracy

Ideally, things should happen this way:

An Ideal Summer
The maid should enter the room; she should turn the fan off and begin sweeping the floor; she should complete this phase as soon as possible and turn the fan on; she should now mop the floor at her leisure and leave.

An Ideal Winter
The maid should enter the room; the fan is closed anyway, so she should sweep the floor at her leisure, turn the fan on, mop it like her life depends on it, switch the fan off as soon as the water dries and leave.

The Moments to Switch it On and Off
The diagram below illustrates this perfectly. In summers the fan should be switched off during B and on during D; in winters they should be switched on during D and switched off during F.
What Really Happens
Instead, they resort to switching off the fan during A and switching it back on during E in summers; and switch the fan on during C and switch if off during G, thereby exposing me to outrageously severe Kolkata temperatures:
Has anyone else been a victim of this conspiracy? Please let me know if you have.
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24 comments:

  1. ShakuntalaOctober 2, 2012 at 12:34 AM

    Ah the days of "ghor jhat dewa" and "ghor mochha" - here, all I do is vacuum the carpet-floors.

    ReplyDelete
  2. SUIRAUQAOctober 2, 2012 at 1:00 AM

    It's not just the housemaids. The universe is conspiring against you. Actively. But don't panic. And always know where your towel is.

    ReplyDelete
  3. ApoorvaOctober 2, 2012 at 6:02 AM

    Great software, and greater imagination :). You are channelling Douglas Adams here :). I forget which book of his, but the one containing strange names for everyday experiences which no one else had the imagination to "name".

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Abhishek MukherjeeOctober 2, 2012 at 8:14 AM

      The software is Microsoft Excel, Apoorva.

      Of course, the book is The Meaning of Liff and its sequel, The Deeper Meaning of Liff. And it's not just strange names - they were names of existing PLACES: names like Brisbane, Ganges and Glasgow are examples.

      Delete
  4. PtenisnetOctober 2, 2012 at 6:33 AM

    hne hne :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. DipteeOctober 2, 2012 at 8:15 AM

    Oh no, I haven't been a victim to this. It's normally the ideal situation at my place.

    ReplyDelete
  6. AnonymousOctober 2, 2012 at 5:28 PM

    No sir,i'm afraid you overthink.
    The maids,knowing that you have legs and feet intact, care for your well being and want you to not slump on that bed and grab that moment to haul your bulk off the bed on the pretext of adjusting the fan and enjoy,at the same time-a cat like stretch.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Abhishek MukherjeeOctober 2, 2012 at 11:46 PM

      No. I do not think my maid is a well-wisher of mine. Especially to that extent.

      Delete
  7. AnonymousOctober 2, 2012 at 5:37 PM

    Is your maid police verified?
    Just asking.

    ReplyDelete
  8. AnonymousOctober 2, 2012 at 8:42 PM

    "mop the floor at her leisure"?!
    Man,there's no leisure or pleasure involved in sweeping.
    And clearly,she's underpaid.
    The blames squrely on you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Abhishek MukherjeeOctober 2, 2012 at 11:47 PM

      You must see her. It will give you the idea that sweeping the floor is the most leisurely activity that has ever existed.

      And, UNDERPAID? I spend more on her than I do on books. BOOKS.

      Delete
  9. TapabrataOctober 2, 2012 at 11:19 PM

    ORom Hoy!!

    ReplyDelete
  10. AnonymousOctober 3, 2012 at 4:04 AM

    Well,I'd ask you to look for other clues.
    Does she ask you for a raise often,or mutters something under her breath,darts corner glances at you,or mops too well under the table you're sitting?
    If yes to more than two,you should help your wife in lookin for another.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Abhishek MukherjeeOctober 3, 2012 at 8:08 AM

      I guess I will have to deactivate Anonymous posts. X(

      Delete
  11. AnonymousOctober 3, 2012 at 5:06 AM

    Jalebi bai :)

    ReplyDelete
  12. innerspaceOctober 3, 2012 at 10:16 AM

    Yes,right this time too.Although in my house the switches go off as soon as my 'maid de honor'enters my house.So just as I am trying to prove that I am not a robot I am stewing in the sweltering heat,saved by an occasional gust of wind,while my MDH is on a cleaning spree. Abhishek tussi great ho!

    ReplyDelete
  13. SaptadweepaOctober 3, 2012 at 11:27 AM

    amader bariteo erom chokranto chole. ami protibad janiye dekhechhi, labh hoyni.
    ogotya, esab somoye ami ghorchhara hote badhyo hoi.
    kintu se jaihok, tumi paro-o!
    TUMI-e paro! :) :D

    ReplyDelete
  14. AnonymousOctober 3, 2012 at 11:04 PM

    :-.

    ReplyDelete
  15. AnonymousOctober 3, 2012 at 11:18 PM

    You really had to scratch your head to come up with this one.why don't you write mythological stories and about your childhood only?
    And your writing is sexy,even if your handwriting isn't:D

    ReplyDelete
  16. Ronroy96October 5, 2012 at 2:17 PM

    Believe me Abhishek da, nobody knows this better than me!
    Gogol(Mohua's son)

    ReplyDelete
  17. AnonymousOctober 5, 2012 at 2:50 PM

    You can remove Kolkata from the subject line and it would still hold true. For what it’s worth, my maid conspires against me in exactly the same way.

    ReplyDelete
  18. AnonymousOctober 9, 2012 at 10:19 PM

    Freezing in Kolkata ?!!!

    ReplyDelete
  19. Aditi DuttaMay 26, 2013 at 2:11 AM

    onno ekta kothau ei mattor fan niei akkhep afshosh aadikkhetha ityadi porlam mone holo..banglay lekha chhilo seta...porpor duto same mood pelam bole hNopchot khelam...ar ektu somoy nie baki gulo roye soye pori :)

    ReplyDelete

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